THE THIRD BOOK.
HIS RESIDENCE AT CARTHAOE FROM his SEVENTEENTH TO HIS NINETEENTH YEAR — SOURCE OF his DISORDER* — LOVE OF SHOWS — ADVANCE IN STUDIES, AND LOVE OF WISDOM — distaste for SCRIPTURE—LED AHTRAYTO the n NS — REFUTATION OF SOME OF THEIR TENETS—ORIEF OF HIS MOTHER MONICA AT HIS HERESY, AND PRAYERS FOR HIS CONVERSION — HER VISION FROM GOD, AND ANSWER THROUGH A BISHOP.
I. 1. To Carthage I came, where there sang all around me in my ears a cauldron of unholy loves. I loved not truly, as yet, yet I loved to love, and out of a deep-seated craving, I hated myself for not craving. I sought what I might love, in love with loving, and safety I hated, and a way without snares. For within me was a famine of that inward food, Thyself, my God; yet, through that famine I was not hungered; but was without all longing for incorruptible sustenance, not because filled therewith, but the more empty, the more I loathed it. For this cause my soul was sickly and full of sores, it miserably cast itself forth, desiring to be scraped by the touch of objects of sense. Yet if these had not a soul, they would not be objects of love. To love then, and to be beloved, was sweet to me; but more when I obtained to enjoy the person I loved. I defiled, therefore, the clear spring of friendship with the filth of concupiscence, and I beclouded its brightness with the True and false sympathy. 43
hell of lustfulness; and thus foul and unseemly, I would fain, through exceeding vanity, be fine and courtly. I fell headlong then into the love wherein I longed to be ensnared. My God, my Mercy, with how much gall didst Thou out of Thy great goodness besprinkle for me that sweetness? For I was both beloved, and secretly arrived at the bond of enjoying; and was with joy fettered with sorrow-bringing bonds, that I might be scourged with the iron burning-rods of jealousy, and suspicions, and fears, and angers, and quarrels.
II. 2. Stage plays also carried me away, full of images of my miseries, and of fuel to my fire. Why is it, that man desires to be made sad, beholding doleful and tragical things, which yet himself would by no means suffer? yet he desires as a spectator to feel sorrow at them, and this very sorrow is his pleasure. What is this but a miserable madness? for a man is the more affected with these actions, the less free he is from such affections. When a man suffers in his own person, it is styled misery; when he compassionates others, then it is mercy. But what sort of compassion is this for feigned and scenical passions? for the auditor is not called on to relieve, but only to grieve: and he applauds the actor of these fictions the more, the more he grieves. And if the calamities of those persons (whether of old times, or mere fiction) be so acted that the spectator is not moved to tears, he goes away disgusted and criticising; but if he be moved to passion, he stays intent, and weeps for joy\
44 True and false sympathy.
3. Are griefs then too loved? Verily all desire joy. Or since no man likes to be miserable, is he yet pleased to be merciful? which because it cannot be without sorrow, for this reason alone is sorrow loved? This also springs from the vein of friendship. But whither goes that vein? whither flows it? wherefore runs it into that torrent of pitch bubbling forth those monstrous tides of foul lustfulness, into which it is wilfully changed and transformed, being of its own will precipitated and corrupted from its heavenly clearness? Shall compassion then be put away? by no means. Let griefs then sometimes be loved. But beware of uncleanness, O my soul, under the guardianship of my God, the God of our fathers, who is to be praised and exalted above all for ever,1 beware of uncleanness. For I do not take myself to be without pity; but then in the theatres I rejoiced with lovers, when they wickedly enjoyed one another, although this was imaginary only in the play. And when they lost one another, as if very compassionate, I sorrowed with them, yet had my delight in both. But now I much more pity him that rejoiceth in his wickedness, than him who is thought to suffer hardship, by missing some pernicious pleasure, and the loss of some miserable felicity. This certainly is the truer mercy, but in it, grief delights not. For though he that grieves for the miserable, be commended for his office of charity; yet had he, who is genuinely compassionate, rather there were nothing to grieve for. For if good will be i 11— Injury of false sympathy.
1 Song of the Three Children ver. 3.
willed (which can never be), then may he, who truly and sincerely commiserates, wish there might be some miserable, that he might commiserate. Some sorrow may then be allowed, none loved. For thus dost Thou, O Lord God, who lovest souls far more purely than we, and hast a more incorruptible pity, yet art wounded with no sorrowfulness. And -who is sufficient for these things?1
4. But I, miserable, then loved to grieve, and sought out what to grieve at; and that acting best pleased me, and attracted me the most vehemently, which drew tears from me. What marvel was it that a forlorn sheep, straying from Thy flock, and impatient of Thy keeping, I became infected with a foul disease? And hence the love of griefs; not such as should sink deep into me; for I loved not to suffer what I loved to look on; but such as upon hearing their fictions should lightly scratch the surface; from which, as from envenomed nails, followed inflamed swelling, impostumes, and a putrefied sore. My life being such, was it life, O my God?
III. 5. And Thy faithful mercy hovered over me from afar. Upon how grievous iniquities consumed I myself, following a sacrilegious curiosity, that having forsaken Thee, it might bring me to the treacherous abyss, and the beguiling service of devils, to whom I offered my evil actions as a sacrifice. And in all these things Thou didst scourge me! I dared even, while Thy solemnities were celebrated within the walls of Thy church, to lust, and to compass a business 46 Augustine's literary ambition.
1 2 Cor. ii. 16.
having death for its fruits, for which Thou scourgeilst me with grievous punishments, though nothing to my eternal undoing, O Thou my exceeding mercy, my God, my refuge from those terrible destroyers, among whom I wandered with a stiff neck, withdrawing further from Thee, loving mine own ways, and not Thine; loving a vagrant liberty.
6. Those studies, also, which were accounted commendable, had a view to excelling in the courts of litigation; the more be-praised, the craftier. Such is men's blindness, glorying even in their blindness! And now I was chief in the rhetoric school, whereat I rejoiced proudly, and I swelled with arroganey; although (Lord, Thou knowest) far quieter and altogether removed from the subvertings of those "subverters"1 (for this ill-omened and devilish name was the very badge of gallantry) among whom I lived, with a shameless shame that I was not even as they. With them I lived, and was sometimes delighted with their friendship, whose doings I ever did abhor; t. e., their "subvertings,"2 wherewith they wantonly persecuted the modesty of strangers, whom they disturbed by a gratuitous jeering, feeding their malicious mirth. Nothing can be liker the very actions of devils than these. What then could they be more truly called than "subverters"? themselves subverted and perverted first, the deceiving spirits se
1 Ettermres: who are described in Augustine's Liber De vera religions (75), as " homines qui gaudent miseriis alienis, et risus sibi ac ludicra pjx'Ctaculn exhibent, vel exbiberi rolunt eversiouibus et erroribus aliorum "— Em
Philosophy commenced his conversion. 47
cretly deriding and seducing them, by that wherein they themselves delighted to jeer at and deceive others.
IV. 7. Among such as these, in that unsettled age of mine, learned I books of eloquence, wherein I desired to be eminent, out of a damnable and inglorious end, a joy in human vanity. In the ordinary course of study, I fell upon a certain book of Cicero, whose speech almost all admire; not so his heart. This book of his contains an exhortation to philosophy, and is called "Jlortensius." But this book altered my feelings, and turned my prayers to Thyself, O Lord; and made me have other purposes and desires. Every vain hope at once became worthless to me; and I longed with an incredibly burning desire for an immortality of wisdom, and began now to arise, that I might return to Thee. For not to sharpen my tongue (which thing I seemed to be purchasing with my mother's allowances, in that my nineteenth year, my father being dead two years before), not to sharpen my tongue did I employ that book; nor did it infuse into me its style, but its matter.
8. How did I burn then, my God, how did I burn to remount from earthly things to Thee; nor knew I what Thou wouldest do with me. For with Thee is wisdom. But the love of wisdom is in Greek called "philosophy," with which that book inflamed me. Some there be that seduce through philosophy, under a great, and smooth, and honorable name coloring and disguising their own errors: and almost all 48 Augustine's looe of the name of Christ,
who in that and former ages were such, are in that book censured and set forth. There also is made plain that wholesome advice of Thy Spirit, by Thy good V and devout servant: Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ. For in Him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily} And since at that time (Thou, O Light of my heart, knowest) Apostolic Scripture was not known to me, I was delighted with that exhortation, so far only, that I was thereby strongly roused, and kindled, and inflamed to love, and seek and obtain, and hold, and embrace, not this or that sect, but wisdom itself, whatever it were; and this alone checked me, thus enkindled, that the name of Christ was not in it. For this name, according to Thy mercy, O Lord, this name of my Saviour Thy Son, had my tender heart, even with my mother's milk, devoutly drunk in, and deeply treasured; and whatsoever was without that name, though never so learned, polished, or true, took not entire hold of me.
V. 9. I resolved then to bend my mind to the holy Scriptures, that I might see what they were. But behold, I see a thing not understood by the proud, nor laid open to children, lowly in access, in its recesses lofty, and veiled with mysteries; and I was not such as could enter into it, or stoop my neck to follow its steps. For not as I now speak, did I feel when I turned to those Scriptures; but they but distaste for Scripture. 49
1 Col. ii. 8, 9.
seemed to me unworthy to be compared to the stateliness of Tully: for my swelling pride shrunk from their lowliness, nor could my sharp wit pierce the interior thereof. Yet were they such as would grow up in a little one. But I disdained to be a little one; and, swollen with pride, took myself to be a great one.
VI. 10. Therefore I fell among men proudly doting, exceeding carnal and prating, in whose mouths were the snares of the devil, limed with the mixture of the syllables of Thy name, and of our Lord Jesus Christ, and of the Holy Ghost, the Paraclete, our Comforter. These names were frequent in their mouth, so far forth as the sound and the noise of the tongue went, but their heart was void of truth. Yet they cried out "Truth, Truth," and spake much thereof to me, though it was not in them:1 and they spake falsehood, not of Thee only (who truly art Truth), but even of those elements of this world, Thy creatures. And I indeed ought to have passed by even philosophers who spake truth concerning them, for love of Thee, my Father, supremely good, Beauty of all things beautiful. O Truth, Truth, how inwardly did even then the marrow of my soul pant after Thee, when they often and diversely, and in many and huge books, echoed of Thee to me, though it was but an echo. And these were the dishes wherein to me, hungering after Thee, they, instead of Thee, served up the Sun and Moon, beautiful works of Thine, but yet Thy works, not Thyself, no, nor Thy 50 His love of truth while he fell into error.
l John ii. 4
first works. For Thy spiritual works are before these corporeal works, celestial though they be, and shining. But now I hungered and thirsted not even after those first works of Thine, but after Thee Thyself, the Truth in whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning:1 yet still they set before me in those dishes glittering fantasies, than which better were it to love this very sun (which is real to our sight at least), than those fantasies which by our eyes deceive our mind. Yet because I thought them to be Thee, I fed thereon; not eagerly, for Thou didst not in them taste to me as Thou art; for Thou wast not in these fictions, nor was I nourished by them, but exhausted rather. Food in sleep shows very like our food awake; yet are not those asleep nourished by it, because they are asleep. But those fictions were not in any way like to Thee, as Thou hast since revealed Thyself to me; for those were corporeal fantasies, false bodies, than which these true bodies, celestial or terrestrial, which with our fleshly sight we behold, are far more certain: these things the beasts and birds discern as well as we, and they are more certain than when we imagine them. And again, we do with more certainty imagine them, than by them conjecture other vaster and infinite bodies which have no being. Sueh empty husks was I then fed on: and was not fed. But Thou, my soul's Love, towards whom I languish, that I may gather strength, art neither those bodies which we see, though in heaven; nor those which we do not see there; for erroneous belief in God nourishes not. 51
1 James i. 17.
Thou hast created them, nor dost Thou account them among the chiefest of Thy works. How far then art Thou from those fantasies of mine, fantasies of bodies which are not at all; than which the images of those bodies, which are, are far more certain; and more certain still the bodies themselves, which yet Thou art not; no, nor yet the soul, which is the life of the bodies. Better and more certain is the life of the bodies, than the bodies; but Thou art the life of souls, the life of lives, having life in Thyself; and Thou changest not, O life of my soul.
11. Where then wert Thou then to me, and how far from me? Far, verily, was I straying from Thee, barred from the very husks of the swine, whom with husks I fed. For how much better are the fables of poets and grammarians, than these snares? For verses, and poems, and "Medea flying," are more profitable truly, than these men's five elements,1 variously disguised, answering to five dens of darkness, which have no being, yet slay the believer. For erses and poems I can turn to true food, and though I did sing " Medea flying," yet I maintained it not as true; though I heard it sung, I believed it not: but those things I did believe. Woe, woe, by what steps was I brought down to the depths of hell/2 toiling and turmoiling through want of Truth! For I sought after Thee, my God (to Thee I confess it, who hadst mercy on me, before I confessed), not according to the understanding of the mind, wherein Thou willedst that I should excel the beasts, but according to o2 Erroneous belief/ in God nourishes not.
1 The allusion is to the Manicluesn " elements." — Ed. 2 Prov. u. 18. 1 l'rov. ix. 13—17. 2 1 Kings xviii. 40. 3 John iv, 24.
the sense of the flesh. But Thou wert more inward to me, than my most inward part; and higher than my highest. I lighted upon that bold woman, simple and knoweth nothing, shadowed out in Solomon, sitting at the door, and saying, Eat ye bread of secrecies willingly, and drink ye stolen waters which are sweet:1 she seduced me, because she found my soul dwelling abroad in the eye of my flesh, and ruminating on such food as through it I had devoured.
VII. 12. For other than this, that which really is, I knew not; and was, as it were through sharpness of wit, persuaded to assent to foolish deceivers, when they asked me, " Whence is evil?" "Is God bounded by a bodily shape, and has hairs and nails?" "Are they to be esteemed righteous, who had many wives at once, and did kill men, and sacrificed living creatures?"2 At which I, in my ignorance, was much troubled, and departing from the truth, seemed to myself to be making towards it; because as yet I knew not that evil was nothing but a privation of^ good, until at last a thing ceases altogether to be'J which how should I see, the sight of whose eyes reached only to bodies, and of my mind to a phantasm? And I knew not God to be a Spirit? not one who hath parts extended in length and breadth, or whose being was bulk; for every bulk is less in a part, than in the whole: and if it be infinite, it must be less in such part as is defined by a certain space, than in its infinitude; and so is not wholly everywhere, as Spirit, as God. And what that is in us, by
God sought wrongly is not found. 53
which we are like to God, and in Scripture are rightly said to be after the image of God,1 I was altogether ignorant.
13. Nor knew I that true inward righteousness, which judgeth not according to custom, but out of the most rightful law of God Almighty, whereby the ways of places and times were disposed, according to those times and places; itself meantime being the same always and everywhere, not one thing in one place, and another in another; according to which Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, and Moses, and David, were righteous, and all those commended by the mouth of God; but were judged unrighteous by silly men, judging out of man's judgment,2 and measuring by their own petty habits the moral habits of the whole human race. As if in an armory, one, ignorant what were adapted to each part, should cover his head with greaves, or seek to be shod with a helmet, and complain that they fitted not; or as if n a day, when business is publicly stopped in the ernoon, one were angered at not being allowed to keep open shop, because he had been in the forenoon; or when in one house he observeth some servant take a thing in his hand, which the butler is not suffered to meddle with ; or something permitted out of doors, which is forbidden in the dining-room; and should be angry, that in one house, and one family, the same thing is not allotted everywhere, and to all. Even such are they, who are fretted to hear something to have been lawful for righteous men for54 God's law the same / in application varies.
l Gen. i. 27. 2 1 Cor. iv. 8.
merly, which now is not; or that God, for certain temporal respects, commanded some one thing, and some another, while both obeyed the same righteousness: whereas they see, in one man, and one day, and one house, different things to be fit for different members, and a thing formerly lawful, after a certain time not so; in one corner permitted or commanded, but in another rightly forbidden and punished. In justice therefore various or mutable? No, but the times, over which it presides, flow not evenly, be-' cause they are times. Men, whose days are few upon the earth,1 by their senses cannot harmonize the causes of things in former ages and other nations, which they have had no experience of, with those which they have experience of; whereas in one and the same body, day, or family, they easily see what is fitting for each member, and season, part, and person; to the one they take exceptions, to the other they submit.
14. These things I then knew not, nor observed; they struck my sight on all sides, but I saw them not. I indited verses, in which I might not place every foot everywhere, but differently in different metres; nor even in any one metre the self-same foot in all places. Yet the art itself, by which I indited, had not different principles for these different cases, but comprised all in one. Still I saw not how that righteousness, which good and holy men obeyed, did far more excellently and sublimely contain in one all those things which God commanded, and in no Actions of Patriarchs prophetic. 55
1 Job xiv. 1.
part varied; although in varying times it prescribed not everything at once, but apportioned and enjoined what was fit for each. And I, in my blindness, censured the holy Fathers, not only wherein they made use of things present as God commanded and inspired them, but also wherein they were fortelling things 'to come, as God was revealing in them.
VIII. 15. Can it at any time or place be unjust to love God with all his heart, with all his soul, and with all his mind; and his neighbor as himself fl Therefore are those foul offences which are against nature, to be everywhere and at all times detested and punished; such as those of the men of Sodom: which, should all nations commit, they would all stand guilty of the same crime, by the law of God, who hath not made men that they should so abuse one another. For even that intercourse which should be between God and us is violated, when that same nature, of which He is Author, is polluted by perversity of lust. But those actions which are offences against the customs of men, are to be avoided according to the customs severally prevailing; so that a thing agreed upon, and confirmed, by custom or law of any city or nation, may not be violated at the lawless pleasure of any, whether native or foreigner. For any part which harmonizeth not with its whole, is offensive. But when God commands a thing to be done, against the customs or compacts of any people, though it were never done
by them heretofore, it is to be done; and if inter
1 Matt. xxii. 37-39.
56 God to be obeyed in, or against human laws.
mitted, it is to be restored; and if never ordained, is now to be ordained. For if it be lawful for a king, in the state which he reigns over, to command what no one before him, nor he himself heretofore, had commanded; and if to obey him cannot be against the common weal of the state (nay, it were against it if he were not obeyed, for to obey princes is a general compact of human society); how much more unhesitatingly ought we to obey God, in all which He commands, the Ruler of all His creatures! For, as among the powers in man's society, the greater authority is obeyed in preference to the lesser, so must God above all.
16. So in acts of violence, where there is a wish to hurt, whether by reproach or injury; and this either for revenge, as one enemy against another; or for some profit belonging to another, as the robber to the traveller; or to avoid some evil, as towards one who is feared; or through envy, as one less fortunate to one more so, or one well thriven in anything, to him whose being on a par with himself he fears, or grieves at; or for the mere pleasure at another's pain, as spectators of gladiators, or deriders and mockers of others: all these are the varied forms of iniquity, which spring from the lust of the flesh, of the eye,1 or of rule, either singly, or two combined, or all together. And so do men live ill against the three and seven, that psaltery of ten strings, 2 Thy Ten Commandments, O God, most high, and most sweet. But what foul offences can there be Self-will and self-love source of all sin. hi
11 John ii. 16. 2 Ps. cxliv. 9.
against Thee, who canst not be defiled? or what acts of violence against Thee, who canst not be harmed? But Thou avengest what men commit against themselves, since when they sin against Thee, they do wickedly against their own souls, and iniquity gives itself the lie,1 by corrupting and perverting the nature which Thou hast created and ordained; either by an immoderate use of things allowed; or in burning in things unallowed, to that use which is against nature;2 or in guiltily raging with heart and tongue against Thee, kicking against the pricks ;3 or when, bursting the pale of human society, they boldly joy in self-willed combinations or divisions, according as they have any object to gain or cause of offence. And these things are done when Thou art forsaken, O Fountain of Life, who art the only and true Creator and Governor of the Universe, and by a selfwilled pride any one false thing is selected therefrom and loved. So then by a humble devoutness we return to Thee; and Thou cleansest us from our evil habits, and art merciful to those who confess their sins, and hearest the groaning of the prisoner* and loosest us from the chains which we made for ourselves, if we lift not up against Thee the horns of an unreal liberty, suffering the loss of all through covetousness of more, by loving more our own private good, than Thee, the Good of all.
IX. 17. Amidst these offences of foulness and violence, and these many iniquities, are the sins of those men, who are, on the whole, making proficiency; 58 Self-will and self-love, source of all sin.
1 Ps. xxvi. 12. Vulg. 2 Rom. i. 27. 3 acts ix. 5. 4 Ps cii. 20.
which, by those that judge rightly according to the rule of perfection, are condemned, yet the persons themselves are commended, upon hope of future fruit, as in the green blade of growing corn. And there are some actions resembling offences of foulness or violence, which yet are no sins; because they offend neither Thee, our Lord God, nor human society; as when things fitting for a given period are obtained for the service of the whole life, and we know not whether out of a lust of having; or when things are, for the sake of correction, by constituted authority punished, and we know not whether out of a lust of hurting. Many an action, also, which in men's sight is disapproved, is by Thy testimony approved; and many, by men praised, are (Thou being witness), condemned: because the appearance of the action, and the mind of the doer, and the unknown exigency of the time, severally vary. But when Thou on a sudden commandest an unwonted and unthought-of thing, yea, although Thou hast heretofore forbidden it, and still for the time hidest the reason of Thy command, and it be against the ordinance of some society of men, who doubts but it is to be done, seeing that that society of men is just which serves Thee? But blessed are they who know that Thou hast given commands! For all things are done by Thy servants, either to show forth what is needful for the present, or to foreshow things to come.
X. 18. Being ignorant of these things, I scoffed at those Thy holy servants and prophets. And what Who speak against truth fall into gross error. 59
gained I by scoffing at them, but to be scoffed at by Thee, being insensibly and step by step drawn on to such follies, as to believe that a fig wept when it was plucked, and the tree, its mother, shed milky tears? Which fig, notwithstanding (plucked by some other's, not his own, guilt), had some (Manichaean) saint eaten, and mingled with his bowels, he should breathe out of it angels ; yea, there should burst forth particles of divinity, at every moan or groan in his prayer; which particles of the most high and true God had remained bound in that fig, unless they had been set at liberty by the teeth or belly of some "Elect" saint! And I, miserable, believed that more mercy was to be shown to the fruits of the earth, than to men, for whom they were created. For if any one an hungered, not a Manichaean, should ask for any, that morsel would seem as it were condemned to capital punishment, which should be given him.1
XI. 19. And Thou sentest Thine handfrom above,2 and drewest my soul out of that profound darkness; my mother, thy faithful one, weeping to Thee for me, more than mothers weep the bodily deaths of their children. For she, by that faith and spirit which she had from Thee, discerned the death wherein I lay, and Thou heardest her, O Lord; Thou heardest her, and despisedst not her tears, when, streaming down, they watered the ground under her eyes in every place where she prayed; yea, Thou heardest her. For whence was that 60 Augustine's conversion foretold to
1 See Guericke'8 Church History, 5 54, p. 190. —ed. 2 Ps. cxliv. 7.
dream whereby Thou comfortedest her, so that she allowed me to live with her, and to eat at the same table in the house, which she had begun to shrink from, abhorring and detesting the blasphemies of my error? For she saw herself standing on a certain - wooden rule, and a shining youth coming towards her, cheerful, and smiling upon her who was sad, and overwhelmed with grief. But he having (in order to instruct, as is their wont, and not to be instructed) inquired of her the causes of her grief and daily tears, and she answering that she was bewailing my perdition, he bade her rest contented, and told her to look and observe, "That where she was, there was I also." And when she looked, she saw me standing by her on the same rule. Whence was this, but that Thine ears were towards her heart? O Thou Good omnipotent, who so carest for every one of us, as if Thou caredst for him only; and so for all, as if all were but one!
20. Whence was this, also, that when she had toldme this vision, and I would fain bend it to mean, "That she rather should not despair of being one day what I was;" she presently, without any hesitation, replies: "No; for it was not told me that, 'where he, there thou also;' but 'where thou, there he also?'" I confess to Thee, O Lord, that to the best of my remembrance (and I have often spoken of this), that Thy answer through my waking mother— in that she was not perplexed by the plausibility of my false interpretation, and so quickly saw what was to be seen, and which I certainly had not his mother in a dream. 61
perceived before she spake — even then moved me more than the dream itself, whereby the joy to that holy woman, to be fulfilled so long after, was foretold for the consolation of her present anguish. For almost nine years passed, in which I wallowed in the mire of that deep pit, and the darkness of falsehood, often essaying to rise, but dashed down the more grievously. All which time that chaste, godly, and sober widow (such as Thou lovest), now more cheered with hope, yet no whit relaxing in her weeping and mourning, ceased not at all hours of her devotions to bewail my case unto Thee. And her prayers entered into Thy presence;1 and yet Thou sufferedst me to be involved and re-involved in that darkness.
XII. 21. Thou gavest her meantime another answer, which I call to mind; for I pass by much, to confess those things which are most important, and much I do not remember. Thou gavest her then another answer, by a priest of Thine, a certain bishop brought up in Thy Church, and well studied in Thy books. Whom when she had entreated him to converse with me, refute my errors, unteach me ill things, and teach me good things (for this he was wont to do, when he found persons fitted to receive it), he refused, wisely, as I afterwards perceived. For he answered, that I was yet unteachable, being puffed up with the novelty of that heresy, and had already perplexed divers unskilful persons with captious questions, as she had told him: "But let him 62 unceasing prayers and tears never fail.
1 Ps. Ixxxriii. 1.
alone awhile," saith he, "only pray God for him; he will of himself, by reading, find what that error is, and how great its impiety." At the same time, he told her how himself, when a little one, had by his seduced mother been consigned over to the Manichees, and had not only read, but frequently copied out almost all their books, and had (without any argument or proof from any one) seen how much that sect was to be avoided; and had avoided it. And when she would not be satisfied, but urged him more, with entreaties and many tears, that he would see me, and discourse with me, a little displeased at her importunity, he said, "Go thy ways, and God bless thee, for it is not possible that the son of these tears should perish." Which answer she took (as she often mentioned in her conversations with me) as if it had sounded from heaven.