These are actual quotes taken from Job Performance Reviews:

- I would not allow this employee to breed.
- This associate is really not so much of a has-been but a won't be.
- Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- Sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together
- Fell out of the family tree.
- Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Illustration submitted by: Tom Niemann