3 Dangers of Having a Controlling Spirit
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Control is something we crave. Each person has preferences, fear, and desires that we desperately want to appease. Yet, God placed us in an ever-changing world and asked for us to surrender to him? How do we manage our need for control in a relationship with a God that leads us towards giving our all to him?
It’s not easy, especially when the things we are trying to manufacture are good on their own. For example, let’s say we have a deep desire to be safe and keep our loved ones safe at all costs. We want to do everything we can to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. This seems like a noble and worthwhile goal. But if we don’t surrender our need for safety to God’s plan for our life, there can become a disconnect between God’s best for us and the life we are living. Risk is a part of doing Kingdom work, but if our primary goal is safety then we may be paralyzed with fear when the invitation from the Holy Spirit comes to be his hands and feet in a way that may feel scary.
The lie of a controlling spirit is that we know best and that our hypervigilance is the answer to our needs. This is a barrier to forming a trusting relationship with God. Control is our god when we let it become ruler in our lives.
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1. A Controlling Spirit Kills Relationships
As a mom, I’ve battled this tendency towards living under the grip of an anxiety-driven controlling spirit, almost on a daily basis. It often feels like my whole family relies on me entirely for what they need, and if I don’t micromanage the details of our lives, chaos quickly ensues. As my kids grow and begin to blossom in new ways, I am more and more challenged to trust and pray instead of dictate. When our desire for control goes unchecked, every relationship in your life suffers.
Even in my marriage the moments I want to “make” my husband do/say/respond in a certain way become the moments he is repelled by me. What we all want is an invitation to partner in our relationships rather than feeling we are being demanded of. The start of abuse is control. Real love allows freedom and choice. I have to surrender my deep need to control the lives of my loved ones, because if I don’t respect their personhood in our relationship by giving them space to be, the love in my home cannot flourish as God intends it to.
God models this truth about love and relationships at the start of Creation. He gave humanity the choice to be obedient to God’s instruction or choose to step outside God’s perfect will and consume the fruit of knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:16:17). As a good Father does, he brought correction when humanity took a step away from God’s best plan. But this did not stop him from still loving us. He made a plan for us to be able to restore the gap that had been created through disobedience and was faithful to send Jesus as payment for our inability to follow God’s instructions. True love walks with others through their choices, giving instruction but never forcing the hand of their beloved.
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2. A Controlling Spirit Grows Anxiety
Researchers have found that the more free play kids have, the better their mental health is. These findings are interesting because freedom from a parent’s point of view can bring a lot more potential stress. That’s why parents often default to being over-involved in their children’s interactions and overschedule kids with too many “organized activities.” We want to shield our kids from stress through control, but when we don’t give our kids proper space to explore, their anxiety grows. The result of bringing too many limitations into our relationships is fear. Perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18).
A controlling spirit does not breed fear in those that rely on us, it is fed by uncontrolled anxiety. Imbalanced control tendencies in our lives come from a place of inflated fear. Everyone should and needs healthy boundaries to stay safe and well, but a controlling spirit goes beyond what is reasonable, healthy, and necessary. When control gets out of hand, we see that a person prioritizes one set of needs, a level of absolute obedience, and intimidation is often used for the person who is grasping for control to maintain a sense of equilibrium.
The Bible gives us another way to live that puts our anxiety into proper perspective. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” That means when you start to feel anxiety to rise up and control your world, pause and invite God into your story. Let Him show you his way that is full of peace that surpasses understanding and marked by wisdom. When we live with God as our guide, anxieties get put into proper perspective and are diminished when we are gazing on our all-powerful God.
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3. A Controlling Spirit Stunts Growth
In order to learn we have to try. That’s true at every age and stage. When that toddler takes those first very wobbly steps, they have to face the very real fear that they will fall and hobble forward. But the reward is immediate joy as they learn something new and overcome their fears. If we never let that toddler rise up and move forward, they would never have the chance to explore the world as God intended them to.
When our desire to control our surroundings is ruling our life, we lose out on opportunities to grow and often those around us suffer too. I see this most clearly as a mom. So many times I have to choose between fear or faith that the thing they so badly want to do is worth the risk. If the freedom they are seeking is one that will bring joy and opportunity, as a parent I need to help them find the best path forward towards this new experience.
If I am trusting God, not my own fear that tells me to control, I can ask him for the wisdom I need to help my child navigate towards new growth or place a healthy boundary if they are not ready yet. Either choice should be made out of love and respect for my child, not out of a fear-fed need to control them.
As a follower of Christ, I have many times felt God call me out into deeper, more uncertain waters that required I loosen the control I have on my own life in order to seek his glory and follow His ways.
On our journey to become foster parents, I felt my fear rise up at every step of the training, reminding me that this obedience had a very real cost. Our life and my control over our life has been changed forever by following the leading of the Holy Spirit. But my spiritual growth, our family’s growth, and my personal growth has been immeasurable and good through this oftentimes uncomfortable journey into the world of foster care and adoption. Trusting God always requires that we surrender our plans to his ways.
Managing our need for control is something that I think every person struggles with. God knows our pride that leads us to believe our way is better than his way is something we need his help to overcome. Romans 12:2 reminds us of how God meets us and empowers us. It says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” When we surrender to his ways, he gives us the power of mind that we need to discern the will of God for our lives.
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