Shut Up!

Proverbs 26:18-28

Main Idea: Harmful words damage relationships and reveal a heart out of tune with Jesus.

1. Don’t Use Harmful Words (26:18-28).
   1. Contentious speech (26:21)
   2. Perverse speech (2:12; 4:24; 15:4; 24:24; 30:20)
   3. Flattery (26:28)
   4. Deception (26:18-19)
   5. Gossip and slander (11:13)
   6. Bragging (27:2)
2. Harmful Words Hurt Relationships (26:18-19).
3. Forgiveness and Change Are Possible in Jesus.

We’ve all heard the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” That statement is not true, and we all know it. Physical wounds often heal long before emotional ones. There are words that still haunt you. When you hear them, your stomach turns. Or there are words that you really regret saying and wish you could have back.

Words are powerful. Words like “I hate you” or “I love you” or “You will never amount to anything” or “I’m so proud of you” change lives! Words change history. Words like “I have a dream” or “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall” shape the course of history. Words can shape the course of eternity: “For God loved the world in this way: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life” ( John 3:16); “If you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (Rom 10:9).

The tongue holds the power of life and death (Prov 18:21). The problem is that while our tongues contain this power, we often cannot control them. We try to, but we just cannot. A lack of self-control when it comes to our tongues destroys marriages, families, and friendships. You blow up on your kids, you continually interrupt your wife, you constantly nitpick your husband, you repeatedly bring up past mistakes, you flirt with a coworker, or you betray a confidence, and the results are ruinous.

As James the brother of Jesus incredulously observes, with our tongues we bless God and curse men made in his image ( Jas 3:9). Solomon understands the harmful power of our words, and he warns us about them repeatedly. We know this, and we do not really need to be convinced. Who among us has not thought at one time, “I really wish I had not said that”? We all struggle with using harmful words that hurt us, our relationships with others, and our relationship with God. Let’s look at what Proverbs says about harmful words and see if change is possible.

Don’t Use Harmful Words

Proverbs 26:18-28

Proverbs describes numerous kinds of harmful words, and it includes a lot more than just cursing. There are ways to talk and use our words that are very destructive. Let’s examine what Proverbs says.

Contentious Speech (26:21)

Proverbs talks about contentious or quarrelsome speech. Proverbs 26:21 says, “As charcoal for embers and wood for fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife.” Contentious speech is speech that loves to stir up conflict. It loves to argue and disagree. It thinks that it is cool to constantly criticize things. The argument can be on any topic under the sun. The contentious person loves to argue about sports, sitcoms, the Bible, or politics. They usually start their end of a conversation with, “Well, actually that is not the case . . .” You can find this guy commenting on Facebook a lot!

Unfortunately, you also frequently see this in churches: folks who like to complain about what other people wear or grumble if they do not get their way. Nothing seems to be to their liking. They love to spread dissension and stir trouble in an attempt to get what they want. They even make ultimatums and threats like, “If things do not change around here, I will just have to leave the church.”

Perverse Speech (2:12; 4:24; 15:4; 24:24; 30:20)

Wisdom is meant to deliver us from perverse or devious speech (2:12; 4:24; 15:4). Perverse speech is speech that distorts truth and reality.^[36]Proverbs talks extensively about this. Perverse speech is not the same thing as deception (see below). Perverse speech distorts truth itself. The person using it may—and probably does—think that what they are saying is true.

Perverse speech would include false religions and false ideas. False religions tell you distortions like, if you kill infidels, you will get numerous virgins in paradise. Or if you just believe in Jesus, he will make you healthy and wealthy.

The category of perverse speech would also include speech that calls sin a good thing. That claim leads people astray. Proverbs 24:24 says, “Whoever says to the guilty, ‘You are innocent’—peoples will curse him, and nations will denounce him.” Calling a sin something other than sin is perverse. Many in our culture want to do this with things like homosexuality, and even in the church people are waffling on whether or not it is a sin. But we do the same thing when we minimize divorce, gluttony, gossiping, or self-righteousness. It is perverse to call sin anything other than what it is.

Perverse speech also includes the justification of sin. Proverbs 30:20 says, “This is the way of an adulteress: she eats and wipes her mouth and says, ‘I’ve done nothing wrong.’” We can act like our sin is not sin, or we can justify it like it is not that big a deal. Perverse speech justifies our way of life (Garrett, Proverbs, 76). This might manifest itself as a lady justifying living with her boyfriend or a man justifying his divorce. With our mouths we can rationalize and minimize and excuse our sin.

Why do we talk like this? We do it because we want to live how we want to live. We want to avoid repentance. We want to live life on our terms and still be able to say, “I am a good person.” Instead of trusting Jesus to justify us, we want to prove ourselves right!

Flattery (26:28)

Proverbs 26:28 says, “A lying tongue hates those it crushes, and a flattering mouth causes ruin.” Flattery is smooth talk (Goldsworthy, Tree of Life, 168). Proverbs condemns flirting with or praising others to manipulate the circumstances for your advantage.

Flattery can be deception (Goldsworthy, Tree of Life, 168). Flattery can be exaggerating the truth to elicit a reaction from someone who will gratify you. Yes, this includes flirting, but it can also be any situation where you praise another so that they like you or respond the way you want. Flattery is a form of manipulation to advance yourself. It’s not a genuine compliment.

Proverbs 7:21 says, “She seduces him with her persistent pleading; she lures with her flattering talk.” So flattery can be flirting or flirting back with someone at work, at your children’s ballgame, in chat rooms, or by text messages. According to Proverbs, flattery is the number-one factor in cheating. Flattery and listening to flattery pulls your heart away from your spouse. I read the testimony of a pastor who fell morally, and he said it started with flattery. It was fun to him at first, and then he let it linger too long. He began to rationalize what he was doing because he was frustrated and thought there was not really any harm in it. He thought it was not a big deal and that he would not really do anything anyway. Then, all of a sudden, he ended up cheating on his wife! It all started with flattery. Be warned.

Flattery also happens outside of romantic relationships. People are obsequious to others who they think can advance them. People tell others what they want to hear. Why? They want admiration, self-advancement, or some other desired outcome. Proverbs condemns this kind of speech.

Deception (26:18-19)

Proverbs 26:18-19 says, “Like a madman who throws flaming darts and deadly arrows, so is the person who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I was only joking!’” Deception can be embellishment, exaggeration, half-truths, omission, intentional misrepresentation, truth in jest, or perjury. Verse 19 mentions the truth in jesting. You hurt someone’s feelings, so you say, “I was just joking,” in order to minimize their pain, but really you meant it.

We can use our words to construct false realities. Pro athletes caught using performance-enhancing drugs try to convince people, “I would never do something like that.” I ( Jon) remember a new kid coming to our high school, and his dad tried to convince our basketball coach that the University of Kentucky was recruiting him because he was such a stud athlete. The kid could barely make the junior varsity team, but his dad tried to convince people he was an all-star.

All of us do this kind of thing. Who has not exaggerated or left details out to come off looking better? We are born deceivers. Children do it to avoid trouble or to get out of trouble. Even when we tell our children, “If you tell me the truth, you won’t get in trouble,” our children still struggle to come clean. Teenagers are deceivers. They cheat in school to get good grades, and they lie to their parents about where they are going. Adults are deceivers. They lie to their boss about being sick so they can stay home. They hide things from their spouse or omit things to keep the serenity in marriage. In conversations, adults will put the blame on someone else, even when it is their fault, so that their spouse is mad at someone else rather than at them. Adults can exaggerate the truth to avoid doing something they do not want to do. Or adults will tell part of the truth so that they can say to themselves, “Well, technically I didn’t lie.” They are still trying to manipulate the outcome.

Why do we deceive? We do it because we want something, and we think manipulating the truth will help us get it. This reveals idolatry because it shows we are seeking satisfaction and joy in something other than God. We try to find satisfaction in people’s approval, and we value it more than God’s approval.

Gossip and Slander (11:13)

Proverbs condemns gossip and slander. Gossip is revealing a secret, while slander is defaming people’s reputation or mocking them. When it comes to gossip, some folks just love to be in the know. Some just cannot keep secrets. Proverbs 11:13 says, “A gossip goes around revealing a secret, but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence.” Ask yourself: can you keep a confidence, or do you regularly start sentences with “Don’t tell anyone else this, but . . .”? Some even try to disguise their gossip and slander as a prayer request: “He’s really gone off the deep end. We need to pray for him.” Why do we gossip and slander? We do it for revenge, out of jealousy, or out of the pride of wanting to be in the know.

Bragging (27:2)

Proverbs condemns bragging. It says, “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth—a stranger, and not your own lips” (27:2). Do not praise yourself or embellish your accomplishments. A modern paraphrase of this might be something like, “Let another tweet about you and not your own tweet—a stranger and not your own account!” So often self-exaltation is seen as good and necessary to get ahead in our culture. Or you know people who always turn the conversation back to themselves no matter what you say. Toby Keith sings about this when he wants to “talk about me.” Why do we do this? We do it because either we are insecure or we want to exalt ourselves. The gospel can cure both of those things because God’s approval in Christ is incompatible with insecurity, and the humility of Christ in laying down his life for others is antithetical to self-exaltation.

Harmful Words Hurt Relationships

Proverbs 26:18-19

Walking in foolishness with your words has all kinds of negative consequences, including destroying your relationships. This is pretty obvious. Proverbs 17:9 says, “Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends.” Gossip spoils friendships (Waltke, Proverbs, Chapters 15–31, 50). Those who constantly stir up arguments are annoying to be around. Those who deceive hurt their neighbors (26:18-19). Harmful speech ruins relationships.

But it’s more than that. It’s not just that being a contentious person will cause conflict and divide groups, although it does. It’s not just that flattery ruins marriages and families, although it does. It’s not just that deception ruins friendships or careers, although it does. It’s not just that gossip divides friends and hurts people’s feelings, although it does. It’s not just that bragging makes people nauseated to be around you, although it does. The biggest problem is that harmful speech separates you from a relationship with God and invites judgment. All of the temporal consequences of broken relationships are just a foretaste of hell. Jesus says we will be held accountable for every careless word we utter (Matt 12:36). Verses like Proverbs 10:31 teach us, “The mouth of the righteous produces wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut out.” And 19:9 adds, “A false witness will not go unpunished, and one who utters lies perishes.”

Forgiveness and Change Are Possible in Jesus

Jesus never sinned with his mouth. He never harmed anyone with his words. He never let deceit slip from his lips (1 Pet 2:22). He fully lived out Proverbs. And yet he took the final judgment for our harmful speech to provide us forgiveness in full. The one with no deceit in his mouth died for deceivers like us. The humble died for the bragger. The reconciler died for the contentious.

To the degree that the truth of the gospel grips you, you will no longer need to lie, gossip, slander, or flirt. You will no longer need to exalt yourself with your words because Jesus gives grace to the humble. You will not need to justify yourself because in Christ you have already been justified. You will not need to be slanderous and unforgiving because Jesus has forgiven you. You will not need to lie to get others’ approval because you have the approval of Jesus.

Conclusion

Words are powerful indeed. The tongue is difficult to tame. But there are words that overcome our sinful and uncontrolled tongues. They are words like, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus” (Rom 8:1), and words like “The fruit of the Spirit is . . . self-control” (Gal 5:22-23). Praise God for those words!

Reflect and Discuss

1. How is the sticks and stones rhyme so inaccurate?
2. How can you avoid being an argumentative person?
3. Why do we justify our sin but critique the sin of others?
4. Why is flattery so dangerous?
5. In what ways do we deceive people?
6. Why is gossip such a big temptation?
7. How does the social media culture seem to encourage bragging?
8. How has harmful speech hurt your relationships?
9. In what ways can you do a better job of thinking before you speak?
10. How does the gospel help free you from using your tongue in a sinful way?