Shut Up!

Flattery can be deception (Goldsworthy, Tree of Life, 168). Flattery can be exaggerating the truth to elicit a reaction from someone who will gratify you. Yes, this includes flirting, but it can also be any situation where you praise another so that they like you or respond the way you want. Flattery is a form of manipulation to advance yourself. It’s not a genuine compliment.

Proverbs 7:21 says, “She seduces him with her persistent pleading; she lures with her flattering talk.” So flattery can be flirting or flirting back with someone at work, at your children’s ballgame, in chat rooms, or by text messages. According to Proverbs, flattery is the number-one factor in cheating. Flattery and listening to flattery pulls your heart away from your spouse. I read the testimony of a pastor who fell morally, and he said it started with flattery. It was fun to him at first, and then he let it linger too long. He began to rationalize what he was doing because he was frustrated and thought there was not really any harm in it. He thought it was not a big deal and that he would not really do anything anyway. Then, all of a sudden, he ended up cheating on his wife! It all started with flattery. Be warned.

Flattery also happens outside of romantic relationships. People are obsequious to others who they think can advance them. People tell others what they want to hear. Why? They want admiration, self-advancement, or some other desired outcome. Proverbs condemns this kind of speech.

Proverbs 26:18-19 says, “Like a madman who throws flaming darts and deadly arrows, so is the person who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I was only joking!’” Deception can be embellishment, exaggeration, half-truths, omission, intentional misrepresentation, truth in jest, or perjury. Verse 19 mentions the truth in jesting. You hurt someone’s feelings, so you say, “I was just joking,” in order to minimize their pain, but really you meant it.

We can use our words to construct false realities. Pro athletes caught using performance-enhancing drugs try to convince people, “I would never do something like that.” I ( Jon) remember a new kid coming to our high school, and his dad tried to convince our basketball coach that the University of Kentucky was recruiting him because he was such a stud athlete. The kid could barely make the junior varsity team, but his dad tried to convince people he was an all-star.

All of us do this kind of thing. Who has not exaggerated or left details out to come off looking better? We are born deceivers. Children do it to avoid trouble or to get out of trouble. Even when we tell our children, “If you tell me the truth, you won’t get in trouble,” our children still struggle to come clean. Teenagers are deceivers. They cheat in school to get good grades, and they lie to their parents about where they are going. Adults are deceivers. They lie to their boss about being sick so they can stay home. They hide things from their spouse or omit things to keep the serenity in marriage. In conversations, adults will put the blame on someone else, even when it is their fault, so that their spouse is mad at someone else rather than at them. Adults can exaggerate the truth to avoid doing something they do not want to do. Or adults will tell part of the truth so that they can say to themselves, “Well, technically I didn’t lie.” They are still trying to manipulate the outcome.

Why do we deceive? We do it because we want something, and we think manipulating the truth will help us get it. This reveals idolatry because it shows we are seeking satisfaction and joy in something other than God. We try to find satisfaction in people’s approval, and we value it more than God’s approval.

Proverbs condemns gossip and slander. Gossip is revealing a secret, while slander is defaming people’s reputation or mocking them. When it comes to gossip, some folks just love to be in the know. Some just cannot keep secrets. Proverbs 11:13 says, “A gossip goes around revealing a secret, but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence.” Ask yourself: can you keep a confidence, or do you regularly start sentences with “Don’t tell anyone else this, but . . .”? Some even try to disguise their gossip and slander as a prayer request: “He’s really gone off the deep end. We need to pray for him.” Why do we gossip and slander? We do it for revenge, out of jealousy, or out of the pride of wanting to be in the know.

Proverbs condemns bragging. It says, “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth—a stranger, and not your own lips” (27:2). Do not praise yourself or embellish your accomplishments. A modern paraphrase of this might be something like, “Let another tweet about you and not your own tweet—a stranger and not your own account!” So often self-exaltation is seen as good and necessary to get ahead in our culture. Or you know people who always turn the conversation back to themselves no matter what you say. Toby Keith sings about this when he wants to “talk about me.” Why do we do this? We do it because either we are insecure or we want to exalt ourselves. The gospel can cure both of those things because God’s approval in Christ is incompatible with insecurity, and the humility of Christ in laying down his life for others is antithetical to self-exaltation.

Proverbs 26:18-19

Walking in foolishness with your words has all kinds of negative consequences, including destroying your relationships. This is pretty obvious. Proverbs 17:9 says, “Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends.” Gossip spoils friendships (Waltke, Proverbs, Chapters 15–31, 50). Those who constantly stir up arguments are annoying to be around. Those who deceive hurt their neighbors (26:18-19). Harmful speech ruins relationships.

But it’s more than that. It’s not just that being a contentious person will cause conflict and divide groups, although it does. It’s not just that flattery ruins marriages and families, although it does. It’s not just that deception ruins friendships or careers, although it does. It’s not just that gossip divides friends and hurts people’s feelings, although it does. It’s not just that bragging makes people nauseated to be around you, although it does. The biggest problem is that harmful speech separates you from a relationship with God and invites judgment. All of the temporal consequences of broken relationships are just a foretaste of hell. Jesus says we will be held accountable for every careless word we utter (Matt 12:36). Verses like Proverbs 10:31 teach us, “The mouth of the righteous produces wisdom, but a perverse tongue will be cut out.” And 19:9 adds, “A false witness will not go unpunished, and one who utters lies perishes.”

Jesus never sinned with his mouth. He never harmed anyone with his words. He never let deceit slip from his lips (1 Pet 2:22). He fully lived out Proverbs. And yet he took the final judgment for our harmful speech to provide us forgiveness in full. The one with no deceit in his mouth died for deceivers like us. The humble died for the bragger. The reconciler died for the contentious.

To the degree that the truth of the gospel grips you, you will no longer need to lie, gossip, slander, or flirt. You will no longer need to exalt yourself with your words because Jesus gives grace to the humble. You will not need to justify yourself because in Christ you have already been justified. You will not need to be slanderous and unforgiving because Jesus has forgiven you. You will not need to lie to get others’ approval because you have the approval of Jesus.

Words are powerful indeed. The tongue is difficult to tame. But there are words that overcome our sinful and uncontrolled tongues. They are words like, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus” (Rom 8:1), and words like “The fruit of the Spirit is . . . self-control” (Gal 5:22-23). Praise God for those words!