Speak Up!

Only after you have worked through forgiveness can you then confront. Proverbs 10:12 states, “Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all offenses.” If your confrontation is motivated by a desire to get someone back, it will not work. In fact, it will only make it worse. There are some things that you just need to let go. But if your desire is forgiveness and reconciliation, there is hope!

Also, the right way to confront someone is to do it with gentleness and love, or what Paul calls, “speaking the truth in love” (Eph 4:15). Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.” The temperaments we bring to the confrontation will make all the difference (Garrett, Proverbs, 150). Do you have the self-control to give a reasoned response? (Waltke, Proverbs, Chapters 1–15, 612–13). Gentleness does not imply mealy mouthed or indirect—it can be a tough gentleness! The question is, Are your words motivated by love for her or by a desire to put her in her place? Are you genuinely concerned for the person, and therefore you will confront her kindly? Or do you just want to prove her wrong? If it is truly done gently, the hearer can say in her heart, “I do not want to hear this, but I at least know this person loves me, and it kind of hurt him to have to say this to me.” That kind of attitude can help in persuading someone of his or her need to change. Slamming that person or being sarcastic will not help bring about change. After all, Proverbs 16:21 states, “Anyone with a wise heart is called discerning, and pleasant speech increases learning.”

Finally, speaking up in the right way means speaking directly. Do not beat around the bush. Do not try to use spin. Do not be passive aggressive. Proverbs 24:26 says, “He who gives an honest answer gives a kiss on the lips.” Being honest and straightforward is beneficial to the hearer. That said, let me give you a word of caution. Often those good at directness are bad at gentleness. And those who are good at gentleness can struggle with directness. We need both in our speaking.

It is crucial that you speak up at the right time. Proverbs 25:11-12 states, “A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples in silver settings. A wise correction to a receptive ear is like a gold ring or an ornament of gold.” You have to speak at the right moment (Murphy and Huwiler, Proverbs, 126).

You may have the truth and say it in a gentle way, but it will not be well received because you do not speak up at the right time. Proverbs does not give us a “how-to” manual to know when is the right time. Knowing the right time requires discernment. Thankfully, God promises that if we lack wisdom, we can ask him and he will give it to us ( Jas 1).

A fool, on the other hand, speaks with no regard to the circumstances. He comes in when his wife looks frazzled and is complaining about how the kids have been a handful all day, and he says, “Honey, we need to have a talk.” Or the fool wants to criticize the church to the pastor right after the pastor gets done preaching his heart out to his people.

Proverbs 15:23 says, “A person takes joy in giving an answer; and a timely word—how good that is!” Goldsworthy notes, “There is great satisfaction in being able to give a wise word at the right time” (Tree of Life, 116). Too many people who actually do speak up have the mentality, “I told them the truth. If they do not receive it, that’s their problem.” No! Proverbs says that it is your problem. Truth that is not delivered at the right time will not be received. Sometimes you need to wait. At other times you need take courage and speak immediately. Ask the Lord to help you with discernment.

Some people will never respond rightly, nor will they receive what you say no matter how gentle you are or how timely you are. Proverbs describes these folks as “mockers” when it says,

The one who corrects a mocker will bring abuse on himself;

the one who rebukes the wicked will get hurt.

Don’t rebuke a mocker, or he will hate you;

rebuke the wise, and he will love you. (9:7-8)

The mocker will not listen to your correction no matter how you go about it. On the other hand, the wise person will receive correction and will want to grow and change.

This does not mean that people—even wise people—will always immediately receive your confrontation well. Sometimes it will take a while for them to see why what you are saying is good for them. It will require the work of the Holy Spirit. Proverbs 28:23 states, “One who rebukes a person will later find more favor than one who flatters with his tongue.” Yes, you can flatter people and tell them what they want to hear, but that is ultimately unloving and unhelpful. The verse observes that a good reception may not happen immediately, but it will happen ultimately—“later.” Longman writes, “Although it is true that initially people are likely to get a bad reaction from those whose faults they are highlighting, this proverb indicates that favor, gratitude for the advice, will come not immediately but ‘afterward’” (Proverbs, 496).

Unfortunately, we often do not confront because we prefer the short-term comfort to the long-term hard work. That is true with disciplining our children as well. Correction and confrontation may hurt in the short term, but it is better in the long term. You may have to risk a friendship, only to get it back later!

Early in ministry I ( Jon) was discipling a guy who had a particular struggle with pornography. One time when we were hanging out, I confronted him very directly about his struggles and his excuses for them. He got up and walked out on me. It strained our relationship, but thankfully God used that and some other things to get this guy’s attention. Several years later he wrote me a thank-you note on Facebook:

I realize it’s been a while since I talked to you but want again to thank you for something you did for me several years ago. Remember probably in 2000–2001 maybe when you confronted me about some sin and I walked out on you? Thank you so much for being strong in that moment. I am involved in conversations with a person who used to attend our church that has done some pretty bad things and I’ve been able to repeatedly share God’s love with him as well as his imminent danger should he not repent. I honestly believe that had you not gotten into my business then and confronted me, I would be in a different place in life. You have my utmost respect for being strong in the faith and confronting me. My own experience from this tells me that your job can be both fantastically awesome and heartbreaking in the same day. I pray for you.

Change may be slow in coming, but trust the Lord to do good work as you are faithful to speak up.

Finally, we need to be the kind of people who can receive a confrontation and respond well. That is what wise people do. Proverbs 17:10 says, “A rebuke cuts into a perceptive person more than a hundred lashes into a fool.” Do not get mad when confronted. Ask, “What can I learn from this?”

Proverbs 27:5-6 says, “Better an open reprimand than concealed love. The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.” These verses point us to the gospel, not merely because Jesus was kissed by an enemy whom he thought was his friend but also because Jesus was wise enough to know how to confront. Jesus is the Son who grows in wisdom, and he is the Wisdom of God. He lived out these truths, and he can empower us to live them out as well.

Whether or not you can give or receive a confrontation reveals whether or not the gospel is central in your life. If you are too scared to confront or too prideful to receive a confrontation, you have a problem with Jesus. The cross should not merely be a hoop you jump through to get into the Christian life; the cross transforms your life if you really rest in it! If you truly rest in the gospel, you can give a rebuke and receive one without getting mad like people usually do.^[38]

When someone confronts us, they can be right or wrong, they can do it for the right reason or the wrong reason, and they can go about it in the right way or the wrong way. Our typical—sinful—response is to get angry and say things like, “Oh, no I didn’t!” We get angry because in our pride we want to be right all the time. Therefore, in order to be seen as right we lose relationships or surround ourselves with yes men. But Proverbs tells us that confrontation is for our good. And if we truly believe the gospel, we can see how that is true. If I believe in the cross, I am crucified with Christ, and I died back there at Calvary. If I believe in the cross, it means that I agree with God’s judgment of me and admit, “I am a sinner!” So I can say to any rebuke—fair or unfair—that it is just a fraction of my sin. And if I believe in the cross, I also agree with God’s justification of my life—that God sees me now as he sees his beloved Son. I have God’s approval. Since pride starts fights out of a desire to justify myself, God’s verdict can alleviate that. I do not have to justify myself because God has done so in Christ.

Therefore, you can handle and receive any criticism because no one can criticize you more than the cross. God has criticized your shortcomings in the cross far more than anyone else can. You can thank the person for their correction, even if it is wrong, because it reminds you of your true faults that led to the crucifixion of Jesus. You are now free to consider, “Is there anything valid here that I need to listen to?” And you can handle any confrontation without getting crushed or angry because you do not need man’s approval since you have God’s in Christ!

If you can take confrontation well, then you can learn to confront with gracious intent. You do it for the right reason, not to be seen as right or to get others’ approval but because you have God’s approval in Christ. Giving and receiving confrontation in a wise manner comes down to the gospel.