7 Ways to Help a Hurting Friend Without Spiritually Bypassing Them
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“God, you’ve been so good to me.”
The lyrics to the church worship song fell flat on my heavy heart. With my mind, I trust in the goodness of God — it’s one of my deepest core beliefs. But that day, my emotions were a tangled mess of confusion, grief, and anger as I walked through a very painful season.
“God, this doesn’t feel good. I’m struggling to sing these words today.” I wanted to keep believing he’s good, but clinging to hope when the future looked bleak took some serious wrestling with God.
Hold it together. Don’t bawl in front of everyone. You did that last week, surely you can keep your composure this week. I wish I had a tissue.
Suddenly, I felt a friend standing next to me. She put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a welcomed hug. From where she sat two rows behind me, she’d noticed my struggle. Maybe it was the way I kept dabbing at my eyes as I tried to be discreet. Maybe it was my hunched shoulders, tense with bottled-up emotions. Somehow, she noticed me hurting and didn’t want me to stand there alone.
A minute later, a second friend put her arm around me from the other side. Then I felt a hand on my back from someone in the row behind me.
The dam broke. The tears flowed. Sobs shook my body. And my friends stayed right by my side. They didn’t care that I fell apart. They just wanted me to know I wasn’t alone.
As we stood there, God’s Spirit whispered silently to my soul. I do love you, even though circumstances are hard. I am good, even when life is not. You’re surrounded by mercy.
And quite literally, I was.
As someone whose story is riddled with religious trauma, leaning into church life can be a challenge for me. But through this beautiful community we call our church home, I’m learning how God invites us to walk together through suffering.
Beware of Spiritual Bypassing
One of the greatest hindrances to helping our hurting friends is the practice of spiritual bypassing. Psychotherapist Dr. Alison Cook explains that spiritual bypassing is “using spiritual concepts, platitudes, or spiritual language to bypass or over-spiritualize the real struggles that we face.” It shortcuts the deep work God wants to do in our hearts by offering a quick-fix, a mind-over-matter solution, a focus on performance rather than a process of inner renewal.
Regrettably, I’ve been guilty of spiritual bypassing on many occasions. In response to someone’s painful story, I’ve quoted Bible verses, offered simplistic solutions, or evaded my own discomfort by promising to pray for them, then walking away. (And I may or may not have remembered to pray.) Sometimes I’ve even patted myself on the back afterwards, congratulating myself for “sharing the truth.”
In reality, though, my help was not helpful.
In a previous article, we looked at ways spiritual bypassing harms people — misrepresenting God’s heart, hindering authentic connection, causing us to feel unknown, and ignoring the whole person. In that article, we explored how to avoid this on a personal level. Today, let’s focus on the broader picture of avoiding spiritual bypassing in our communities.
Here are seven ways we can offer life-giving support instead:
1. Be Present
Author and therapist Chuck DeGroat emphasizes the importance of presence when he points out that “Disconnection from oneself, God, and each other is the essence of trauma.” Pain borne in isolation can be paralyzing. The gift of a compassionate witness and a loving companion can lighten overwhelming burdens and renew lagging hope.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12 attests to this truth: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. … Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Like my friends standing with me in that church service, we reflect Emmanuel, God with us, when we offer the gift of presence.
2. Actively Listen
Sometimes, a hurting friend just needs to know they’re not alone. Other times they need a listening ear. James 1:19 counsels us to “be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Before offering advice, we must choose to listen well.
"Active listening,” says psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, “requires de-centering from one’s fixed position to be fully present with another. It helps people feel more understood and strengthens relationships as it signals a willingness to sit with the other’s perspective and empathy for their situation instead of singular focus on oneself."
As we listen, it’s important to pay attention to body language, look our friends in the eyes, and notice underlying emotions. We should ask clarifying, open-ended questions to help us understand their perspective and grasp their situation. With our own body language, we can help them feel seen, heard, and respected.
3. Give Validation
When someone’s walking through a hard season, it’s common for them to experience a wide range of emotions. We can foster open communication by affirming the significance of their feelings. Some emotions are more culturally acceptable than others, but we must remember that feeling emotion is part of being made in God’s image. He experiences joy and grief, peace and anger, delight and disgust, etc. In themselves, emotions are good. How they’re handled, well, that’s another story for another time.
Simple statements like, “Wow, that sounds really hard” or “I can see why you’d feel that way” go a long way in communicating empathy. They affirm our friends’ inherent worth and value. They help us “Accept one another… just as Christ accepted [us], in order to bring praise to God” (Romans 15:7). They leave open the door for discussions on how to handle those emotions well so we can walk with wisdom and love.
4. Respond as God Leads
After we’ve listened to and validated our hurting friends, God may lead us to speak or act in some way. One of the friends who comforted me in church later explained that God had prompted her to watch the people around her. When she did, she noticed I was struggling. God led her to look around, then nudged her to come stand with me, and she did.
If God gives us words to say, let’s speak with grace and truth, with gentleness and respect. If he prompts us to do something practical, let’s act with kindness and humility, remembering to “do everything in love” (1 Corinthians 16:14).
5. Nudge Them Toward Jesus
Whether our friends know Jesus or not, he’s ultimately the One their souls need. Throughout Scripture, God describes himself as our Source. He’s the Living Water who quenches our spiritual thirst. He’s the Bread of Life who satisfies our souls. He’s the Healer and Comforter who’s near to the brokenhearted. He’s the Vine who gives life to those connected with him.
As we have opportunity, let’s share how God’s Spirit meets us in our own places of need. Let’s describe the comfort and healing we find in Christ. Let’s proclaim the deep love of God and encourage them to find rest by turning toward Christ (Matthew 11:28).
6. Offer Prayer
Prayer is one of the most beautiful gifts we can give our struggling friends. When we pray, we step into the throne room of the God of grace (Hebrews 4:16). We converse with the One who parts seas and moves mountains and joins his people in the fire. We advocate for those we love with the One who loves them even more.
Through listening, we may discern ways in which we can pray for our friends. We should also ask if and how they’d like us to pray for them. If it feels appropriate, we can offer to pray with them in the moment.
We should be sensitive to how the Holy Spirit wants to direct our prayers, too. He knows their needs best of all, so if he points out a particular need, we can pray for that as well (silently, if that is best).
7. Check up on Them
What a comfort it is when a friend texts just to see how I’m doing. Such a simple gesture, but it reminds me I’m not forgotten.
We can continue supporting our hurting friends by reaching out as they come to mind. If a Scripture verse encourages us to pray something specific for them, we can type the verse out and send it as a text. If we notice their favorite snack on sale, we can drop it by their house as an “I’m thinking of you” gesture.
In big and little ways, let’s embody the love of God by being the hands and feet of him who is our very present help in times of need (Psalm 46:1).
God has given us a beautiful gift in the Body of Christ. As we lean into community, learning to give and receive support without spiritually bypassing, we can help each other become whole through the tender love and healing power of Christ.
Related article: What Is Spiritual Bypassing and Why Is It Harming Our Faith?
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Sarah Mason
