Help! My Loved One Is Deconstructing Their Faith
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How can you help someone whose faith is in pieces? When a Christian you love questions beliefs you hold dear, is it possible to walk with them through faith deconstruction?
As someone who experienced the collapse of my faith (and its eventual renewal), I’m deeply grateful for believers who want to come alongside and help. The gift of your presence can make Christ’s love tangible.
If you’ve never walked through deconstruction yourself, however, you may struggle to know just how to help. Understanding the terminology is a good place to begin.
Understanding Faith Deconstruction
No two deconstruction stories are the same. From the initial crisis to an eventual landing place and every detail in between, each story is as unique as the individual living it. Adding to the issue’s complexity, there’s no single, agreed-upon definition.
In general, faith deconstruction is the rethinking of one’s foundational beliefs. Beyond this, the range of definitions varies widely.
Some Christians compare it to literary and philosophical deconstruction, a practice developed in the 1960’s. In those fields, modern readers reinterpret older works based on the belief that truth is relative. When applied to Christianity, this type of deconstruction often leads to significant theological shifts, sometimes even leading to deconversion. Alisa Childers and Tim Barnett seem to have this perspective in mind when they define faith deconstruction as “a postmodern process of rethinking your faith without regarding Scripture as a standard.”
On the other end of the spectrum, Grace Ruiter compares faith deconstruction to a necessary renovation project. She describes it this way, “If you think of Christian faith as a home, pursuing tough questions about your faith is a bit like tearing away the carpeting and knocking out the drywall to see the bones that lie beneath. It pulls apart your beliefs to reveal what they’re made of and what holds them together.” This definition aligns with my own deconstruction experience.
When discussing deconstruction with your loved one, it’s wise to start by understanding how they’re using the term.
Related article: 6 Times Deconstruction Really Is a Good Thing
Common Denominators in Deconstruction
While each deconstruction story is different, there are often some commonalities. Based on my own experience and the stories I’ve witnessed, here are some realities you’ll want to keep in mind.
Deconstruction Is Painful
For many of us, deconstruction comes on the heels of a traumatic experience. My faith imploded when I learned of the betrayal of a trusted spiritual leader. Though I hadn’t seen him in years, his teachings had shaped my spiritual formation. His betrayal wounded me, and his double-life caused me to question nearly everything I believed.
In addition to the pain from the actual crisis, the journey through deconstruction felt intensely lonely. I was ashamed of my questions and doubts, of the depression that took up residence in me during that season. I was afraid to let people into my process lest they see the mess I’d become. It was easier just to quietly withdraw.
Your loved one may be carrying a very deep wound. They’re trying to figure out where to go from here and how to make sense of what they’ve experienced. By offering the gift of your presence, you can provide a haven through the lonely process.
Deconstruction May Be Unavoidable
Like many others who deconstruct, I didn’t flippantly decide to dismantle my faith. Besides abandoning Christianity altogether, I truly had no other option. My faith was broken and starting over was my only hope for its survival.
As I evaluated my belief system with fresh eyes, I recognized a tangled mess of truth and lies — transactional Christianity that left me exhausted, opinions held because a teacher told me so, Scripture misinterpreted and taken out of context. Deconstruction offered the overhaul my faith required.
Your loved one is likely deconstructing because they must. By supporting them through the process, you can extend a lifeline that gives the option of holding onto faith.
Deconstruction Impacts People Differently
When God’s good gifts are instead used to harm, surprising triggers can result.
Because my faith crisis came after a leader’s betrayal of trust, to this day I struggle with trusting those in positions of spiritual authority. In other situations, when God’s Word was used to shame, manipulate, or control, those affected may have great difficulty reading the Bible or hearing it taught. In situations where harm occurred in a church setting, those wounded in this way may find it impossible to go to church right now — even a different church altogether.
Your loved one may experience triggers that surprise you. When you extend love and compassion, you create space for them to heal at their own pace.
Deconstruction Is a Process
Where your loved one is today is not necessarily their final destination. They’re asking questions and seeking answers, but don’t assume where they’ve landed is where they’ll stay.
My faith deconstruction started over a decade ago. Along the way I discovered it’s more of a journey than an arrival point. As Paul David Tripp put it, “We should all be deconstructing our faith. We better do it. Because our faith becomes a culture, a culture so webbed into the purity of truth, it’s hard to separate the two.”
Healthy faith is curious — always growing, always aware of how much we don’t yet know, always on guard against lies masquerading as the truth.
Your loved one is in process (as we all are). When you love them where they’re at, you keep the door open for an ongoing relationship.
4 Ways to Support Your Loved One through Deconstruction
Micah 6:8 describes qualities that are dear to God’s heart. They can also provide reference points for relating to your loved one.
“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”
1. Do Justly
Many a deconstruction story begins with some sort of injustice. Maybe your loved one or someone they care about was harmed. Perhaps they’ve heard one too many stories about yet another church scandal. Whatever the situation, your loved one is likely trying to make sense of it within their worldview.
Affirm their desire for truth and justice. Their heart cry echoes the heart of God. Resist the temptation to rationalize their concerns. Don’t express doubt or downplay their story. This will only add to their pain. Instead, hold gently the concerns they’ve shared with you.
2. Love Kindness
In the Bible’s original Hebrew, the word used in Micah 6:8 for kindness means loyal love. The same word shows up in Proverbs 19:22a, “What a person desires is unfailing love.” This need for consistent, merciful love is especially strong during deconstruction.
Consider how Jesus received the hurting people who came to him. He looked them in the eyes, noticed their struggle, and welcomed them to spend time with him. He didn’t hold them at arm’s length until they figured out the right theology or cleaned up their messes. No, he wept with them and listened to their stories. He loved them right where they were.
This is still God’s heart for people today. Ask him to fill you with his loyal love and to help you see your loved one through his eyes. Allow kindness to characterize your conversations so they feel valued, honored, and loved.
3. Walk Humbly
Part of deconstruction involves asking messy questions, questions rarely voiced within the walls of a church building. While this may make you uncomfortable, verbalize your willingness to listen and your desire to understand your loved one’s perspective. Make room for curiosity and affirm the concerns behind their questions.
While we recognize truth is not relative and historical Christianity rests on some essential basic tenants, we must also acknowledge that gray areas exist. Christians come to different conclusions on secondary and tertiary topics. It’s important to hold your convictions with confidence and humility, acknowledging that believers with different perspectives may have valid Biblical basis for their beliefs. This allows room for differences within the faith community. It validates other Christian voices and shows that genuine faith can exist outside the structure of one specific denomination. Ultimately, it allows your loved one to take a different position on non-essential issues and still hold on to Christ.
4. Trust the Holy Spirit
While faith deconstruction can be alarming, you can rest in the awareness that God is at work behind the scenes. He loves your friend or family member more than any human ever could. He wants a relationship with them and is drawing them in with his kindness (Romans 2:4). No, you can’t guarantee the outcome, but you can trust that his heart is for them.
So, when you’re tempted to correct uncomfortable questions or take control of their process, choose instead to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). If God leads you to speak truth or share your perspective, do so with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15). Allow God’s perfect love to displace any fear within your heart so you can speak and act with love.
How to Pray for Your Loved One
More than anything, your loved one needs your prayers, especially in these two areas:
1. Pray They Will Experience Christ
Deconstruction is extremely personal. Your loved one is reevaluating beliefs they’ve held at their core. God alone knows the depth of transformation taking place. He sees every hidden wound and hears each unspoken question. He longs to meet them with compassion.
The Living Bible paraphrases Matthew 12:20-21 beautifully as it depicts Jesus’ heart for the hurting. “He does not crush the weak or quench the smallest hope; he will end all conflict with his final victory, and his name shall be the hope of all the world.”
This describes how I experienced Christ when my faith fell apart. Where I expected him to be disappointed in me (as I was in myself), I sensed mercy and open-hearted welcome instead. He dazzled my weary, wounded soul with his grace. Grace I’d sung about and talked about since I was a church kid. Grace far greater than I’d dreamed possible.
The person of Christ held me in the faith. Not well-defined doctrines or convincing arguments. Not creeds or checklists or even the fear of judgment.
Jesus himself is present in deconstruction, inviting people to bring their wounds and their questions and find healing and hope in him.
Your loved one needs to experience Christ. Whether they recognize this need or not, you can pray they will encounter him in soul-mending, faith-building ways.
2. Pray That Deconstruction Leads to Reconstruction
Deconstruction can be beautiful if it leads to restored faith. Just as renovating a historical building is a valuable endeavor, the Christian faith is worth rebuilding when it’s fallen into disrepair. But tearing out what’s rotten and throwing away what’s broken is only part of the process.
God desires to rebuild your loved one’s faith — not just as it was, but as he designed it be so they can flourish.
Before deconstruction, my faith was driven by duty. “Try harder” was my subconscious mantra. I wondered at Jesus’ promise of soul rest, and I secretly doubted he really had abundant life to offer. During deconstruction, he replaced the lies that led me to burnout and taught my soul to rest. He set me on a life-long quest to know his heart and deepened my relationship with him along the way.
Your loved one’s faith needs renewal, too. Pray that as they deconstruct, God himself will rebuild a flourishing faith.
May God’s Spirit guide you as you walk with your loved one through deconstruction, giving you understanding, helping you offer support, and teaching you how to pray for them.
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