How Grief Is Helping Me Let Go of Control
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Every morning when I get up, I say to myself, “My dad is gone.” I don’t do this to be morbid or because I can’t remember what happened a few months ago, but because it helps me prepare for the new reality of my life right now.
A few days after Christmas, the man I knew and loved as my dad passed away after a short illness, despite the round-the-clock prayers of my family, friends, and co-workers in hopes that God would bring a quick recovery and a return to normalcy.
I can’t explain the sadness I feel in losing my dad, as very few days go by where I don’t shed a tear for the man who taught me so much, and I’m still very new in the grieving process.
But God has shown Himself in a new light to me in this time and helped me most in learning that to grieve the best for my dad is to have a new understanding of control and what I do and don’t have in my control.
So here are some ways I am learning to release my hold on life and how I want my life to go, and how God has lovingly accepted my relinquishing of control and has blessed me in the process.
1. Letting Go of Control of People
Before my dad’s passing, I would get easily frustrated when people would do things that were opposite of what I would do in situations. If they knew better about a situation, why didn’t they take the obvious route instead of the one they took?
But when my dad passed away, a lightbulb went off in my mind that just because I feel I know the right way to do something, doesn’t mean I can influence people to follow suit. God made each of us in a unique way with an original personality and struggles that only you/me and God can overcome.
The book of Proverbs has a wealth of information about the importance of self-control, as this shows the difference between a fool and a wise person. Proverbs 16:32 (NKJV) states that “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” The sentiment is that the person who is calm around others in whatever situation is better than one who is quick to unleash their anger on others.
When going through grief, it is easy to think that people should do certain things or react in certain ways to help you in your grief. But understand that they may not experience grief in the same way that you do. So instead of being so upset about what others do and don’t do, it is better to come to the realization that God is your greatest comforter in this time and whatever anyone else does is just icing on the cake.
You can still be sad about the actions of others when you are in your time of grief, but you can’t control what they do and don’t do; only God can.
2. Letting Go of Control of My Emotions
If there is one thing that all books and discussions about grief say in common, it is the understanding that your emotions will be all over the place as you grieve a person’s loss.
I have found that my emotions pop up in the most unusual ways and sometimes not because anything was remotely said or done that was a reminder of my dad. Grief is like waves in an ocean, where you might go through one wave of grief and it might bring just a few tears, while another grief wave will have you sobbing uncontrollably for a few minutes.
But getting frustrated with yourself over your uncontrollable emotions is not something that will help nor what God wants. God gave us a wealth of emotions to experience and in grief, you can go from laughing to crying to screaming to smiling. But you must go through these changes of emotion to grieve properly the one who is no longer here.
1 Peter 5:10 states “But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.” One Scripture that I have clung to during this time has been Psalm 34:18: “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.”
You aren’t alone in your unpredictable emotions as God is there to comfort you as you feel it all.
3. Letting Go of Control of Death and Loss
In my readings about grief, one aspect of loss people deal with is wanting to know if they could have done something to keep their loved one alive. I admit I grappled with that a little bit, that I should have encouraged my dad to get healthier or to stop some unhealthy habits.
But in the end when it was clear my dad’s time was short, I had to release my control of the outcome to God and embrace the time I had left with him. It’s a reminder that life is short and that you shouldn’t put off time with your loved ones because a time will come when they won’t be there anymore.
One of the best reminders of death and loss from Scripture comes from Revelation 21:4: “And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
Though I miss my dad every day, I take comfort in knowing that the God who is wiping my tears with His peace while I grieve on earth will bless me with no more pain once we get to heaven. The loved ones we said goodbye to will be there to greet us in heaven.
4. Letting Go of Control of My Plans for Life
As we have all dealt with several difficulties over the last few years, many are craving the chance to return to what they saw as “normal.” But one thing my dad’s passing has taught me is that when someone you love passes, normal is not an option anymore.
That’s why I start the day reminding myself that my dad has passed. It is not to beat myself up or cause myself heartache, but to remind myself as I step into a new day that this day won’t be like what was planned.
Loss can show us that our plans are not God’s plans and what we think should be our lives may not be what God has planned. However, God’s plans are better than what we could even conceive for ourselves.
Though I would love to have my dad back in my life again, I rest in the countless memories of good times spent together and the close relationship I had with my dad, the eternal jokester. I rest in knowing that my dad impacted the lives of others in ways that will be shared with my family days, months, and years down the road. I rest in the fact that I will want to do things that remind me of my dad in good ways and my journey through grief could help others experiencing the loss of a parent or loved one as well.
So, in essence, life won’t be normal, but it is still something to embrace and appreciate for every breath taken, every smile given, every flutter of joy in one’s heart. John 16:22 says: “Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.”
Let God Lead
Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a parent or loved one, and nothing could prepare me for the loss of my dad in such a short amount of time. Missing his guidance, love, and support are daily challenges I will have to cope with for a long time.
But God has taught me a valuable lesson about control and the grief over my dad has shown that it is better to give God the reins of my life and see where He leads me next. Grief has taught me to let God lead me through my emotions, my understanding of others, my acceptance of loss and death, and my expectations of my life plans.
Grief has taught me that I don’t have control over a lot of things in life, but I do have control over who I trust to lead my way and how to view things in this life in comparison to my final destination of heaven. It’s a long road ahead but I trust the Guide who has my heart.
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Photo credit: Unsplash/Riccardo Mion
