How Should We Respond When Other Christians Hurt Us?

One of the biggest misconceptions among believers and nonbelievers alike is that Christians are capable, on their own, of living up to a different moral standard than others. The reality is that believers fail every day to live up to the high standards for which we were created because of sin.

One of the most difficult moments in the life of a believer is when another Christian is responsible for causing harm. Whether it is another Christian who gossips or lies, a pastor who betrays his congregation, a friend who stops behaving like one, or a believer who caves to a grave sin, these moments bring shame to the community, cause division, and cause deep personal harm. Trying to navigate those waters in a way that is Christ-like, God-honoring, and personally healing can be difficult, but God has given believers the Holy Spirit, the Bible, and one another to find peace and healing when another Christian behaves in a way that is not God-honoring.

Why Do Christians Hurt Each Other?

In so many places in the New Testament, believers are encouraged to love one another, build each other up, and be an encouragement.

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Unfortunately, sin is an inherent part of living in this world. While someone who is a Christian is forgiven for their sins, they are not immune from temptation, and every believer does commit sin after they’ve begun a relationship with Jesus Christ. God continues to work in them, but it is inevitable each one will stumble in their walk. Sometimes, that stumbling comes by accident, sometimes it is due to a deep underlying sin the Christian has resisted dealing with, but it often comes from pride. This sin is the root of many others, and usually comes from an overestimation in one’s own sanctification and standing before the Lord.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself” (Galatians 6:3). Unless one believer hurt another by accident, pride often is the source of in-fighting or tensions between brothers and sisters in Christ.

Are There Examples in the New Testament of Believers Hurting One Another?

There are not overt examples of the reconciliation process, there are subtle ones.

In the two letters to the Church in Corinth, Paul writes to them about a person in the church committing a grievous sin. While there is no direct mention that he offended another member in the church, he did offend Paul, some of the missionaries working for and with Paul, and God.

“It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father's wife. And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you. For though absent in body, I am present in spirit; and as if present, I have already pronounced judgment on the one who did such a thing” (1 Corinthians 5:1-3).

This man was in a sexual relationship with his father’s wife - it is believed his step-mother. There are some scholars who believe the relationship was more repugnant to the first century Christians than just the incest. By the time Paul wrote his second letter, however, he wrote, “For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow…Anyone whom you forgive” (2 Corinthians 2:6-10a). The person had been expelled from fellowship, repented, and Paul encouraged them to accept the sinner back into the fold as a brother.

Paul had his own conflicts. Through the epistles, Paul had disagreements with Barnabas about bringing Mark on missionary journeys, since Mark left partway through. By the end of his life, he found comfort in the friendship of both men.

The book of Philemon is also a type of reconciliation of injury between two believers. Philemon owned a slave named Onesimus, though both men had come to faith in Jesus Christ. Though it was legal in Philemon’s culture to have slaves, Paul and the growing church were coming to the consensus that believers should not own other believers. Paul was, in some ways, stepping in as a witness on behalf of Onesimus to pursue reconciliation through the freedom of the enslaved man.

What Does the Bible Actually Say about Reconciliation?

The Bible has several passages about how Christians should handle conflict.

The first comes from the Lord Jesus:

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them” (Matthew 18:15-20).

First and foremost, injury between two Christians should be handled privately, between the two. Rather than making a public spectacle, go in respect and love to the party that has caused injury. If there cannot be agreement, bring in two or three individuals trusted by both parties to hear both sides, try to bring compromise, and give advice. If reconciliation cannot be found, then the issue can be brought before the whole church.

In the unfortunate event the church condemns the offending party, but that person refuses to make amends, the Bible says that person is to be removed from fellowship until they humble themselves and make it right. This procedure is how reconciliation is pursued corporately.

Jesus also said, “But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). When someone, especially a believer, causes offense or harm, Christians should pray for that person, since they are probably not in right accord with God.

For the individual who was injured, the Apostle Paul gave this advice:

“Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful” (Colossians 3:12-15).

The person who is injured is obliged to forgive the offending party, since the Lord Jesus died so their sins could be forgiven. They are to continue to strive to love the other person and strive for harmony. Internally, they should ask the Holy Spirit to cultivate peace and gratitude within them, even as they wrestle with the pain caused by the situation.

Paul does not say that Christians are only obligated to forgive if the other person apologizes. Within themselves they need to be prepared to extend forgiveness, and not to harbor anger, seek revenge, or to be bitter about the situation. It is possible that in this life there may never be true reconciliation, but believers should take comfort knowing the division between themselves and the brother or sister who injured them will be healed eternally in Heaven.

A Prayer for Christians Hurt by Other Christians

Holy Father,

Thank you so much for the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, and for forgiving me for all of my sins. Lord, You know my situation, and how this other believer has hurt me deeply. They are not treating me as a brother or sister in Christ, and I am in anguish at the division in my spiritual family.

Oh Lord, help me not to harbor anger against them, to release all hatred, bitterness, and desire for revenge. You and You alone have the right to enact justice. Lord, I pray that as we go through the process of reconciliation, that You will seize hold of their heart and their conscience, that we may find peace. I wish to be in right accord with all of my brothers and sisters in Your family.

Send Your Holy Spirit to give wisdom to those who will help us as we pursue reconciliation, so they may discern the truth. Lord, I know that may not happen. Please continue to work in this person’s life and heart, so they may be blessed and have a deeper relationship with You, and perhaps have their conscience pricked. Lord, may Your will ultimately be done through this pain. May it be resolved for Your glory.

In the name of Jesus Christ,

Amen.

Ultimately, a Christian injured by another should handle it biblically, with love, prayer, and through the reconciliation process prescribed by the Lord Jesus, informed by the advice of Paul. God can heal all wounds, and He is the ultimate peacemaker. There will be peace, healing, and forgiveness between all who put their faith in Jesus Christ.

“Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you” (2 Corinthians 13:11).

Sources

Alcorn, Randy. If God is Good Why Do We Hurt? Colorado Springs: Multnomah Books, 2010.

Lederach, John Paul. Reconcile Conflict Transformation for Ordinary Christians. Harrisonburg: Herald Press, 2014. 

Murphy, Tiji. There’s No Hurt Like the Church 21 Days to Healing and Wholeness. Create Space, 2015.

Photo credit: ©Getty Images/KTStock

Bethany Verrett is a freelance writer who uses her passion for God, reading, and writing to glorify God. She and her husband have lived all over the country serving their Lord and Savior in ministry. She has a blog on graceandgrowing.com.