How to Move Forward When Forgiveness Doesn't Erase Your Pain
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As one year ends and another begins, we often reflect on changes we want to make. We also evaluate choices that have brought us closer to God’s purposes.
One area of life where we achieve this is with forgiveness, whether of ourselves, family, friends, or even those we don’t know. We remember that when we offer forgiveness, God forgives us of the wrong we did (Mark 11:25).
But as we enter a new year, we could be confused about why the hurt can still linger in our minds, continuing to cause us heartbreak and making us wonder if we offered forgiveness at all. Forgiveness doesn’t lead to forgetting what was done to us, but we can take steps to encourage healing of the hurts through God’s guidance in His Word. Only through this approach can the hurting stop and the mending of our hearts begin.
Why Do We Forgive?
When someone has wronged us, whether intentionally or unintentionally, various emotions can roll through us, influencing how we respond. Some turn to earthly options, such as exacting revenge, building a grudge, or even blaming themselves for the hurt caused. However, none of these ways can bring forgiveness that lasts.
God calls us to forgive people as He forgave us, even having Jesus go to the cross for our sins to be forgiven by Him (Matthew 6:14-15). In God’s eyes, forgiveness is for us, not for the person who hurt us. We release them from any apology or reconciliation they could provide, but that may or may not come to us.
Sometimes it can be as simple as quietly saying, “I forgive you” to ourselves, while other times it can be as involved as finding the offending person and telling them to their face that you forgive them. Either way, we take this desire to forgive to God, and He instructs us in how to go about forgiving the person (or even ourselves) (Colossians 3:13).
What we gain from making the choice to forgive is peace over the hurt – peace that begins with forgiving. Now this peace may not be instant in some circumstances; it might be a while after the forgiving before you get a sense of peace over what happened. But what you do find is favor from God in opening the door to healing that wouldn’t have been possible any other way.
Forgiveness Given, Hurt Remains
So, what if you have offered forgiveness, experienced peace in making the right decision, and feel ready to undergo the healing you have waited for, but you only feel the same pain as before when you see the person? Every time you see the person, hear their name, or have to interact in some way, the pain that they inflicted still wells up inside of you.
This may cause you to question whether you truly forgave that person or not. Isn’t it stated in the Bible that we will bond with one another if we all accept Jesus’s sacrifice for our sins and walk in the path of the Lord (1 John 1:7)? Even though this is true, some hurts will still resonate in our lives, whether we interact with the person or not.
If we find ourselves in that situation, especially as we venture into a new year, it might be necessary to take more actions after our initial forgiveness. For true healing to commence in our lives, we must further open the door for God to bring this healing in and help it to stay.
Initial Step: Acknowledging the Hurt
One of the most powerful steps we can take can be one of the hardest as well. That is saying out loud that we are hurt and need to heal because the pain is real. Many of us, especially Christians, think that once forgiveness is given, the hurt just evaporates and we don’t feel it anymore. Stuffing it down deep inside to avoid acknowledging the pain feels like a good option, but that is not realistic either.
So, we must admit that what the person did still hurt us, it did happen, and we still need time to heal from the aftermath of the hurt. For myself, I found this approach to be difficult at first because I was always quick to think the hurt wasn’t as deep as it was, until I couldn’t deny that every time I saw the person, the hurt popped up as though it had just happened.
By admitting out loud that this person really hurt you, the door to healing opens wider, and you become more connected with God for the soothing balm His Word, love, and discernment can provide you.
Steps to Follow: Boundaries, Memento Removal, Prayer
Acknowledging the pain caused by someone else is powerful as it brings clarity about what you need to do next. The following are just a few suggestions on what you can do to allow healing to flow more freely into your life, guided by God.
Setting boundaries with the person, whether in the situation that caused the hurt or in general, might be necessary at first to provide space from the hurt and the person who caused the hurt. Maybe it is only seeing the person in business settings and not in non-business settings, maybe it can even be about what topics are okay to discuss and what are off-limits. It could be not seeing one another in person at all.
Sometimes boundaries may not work for your healing, or it could be that you don’t see the person anymore (due to death or not being involved in each other’s lives), so boundaries aren’t necessary. But even without seeing the person, the hurt can remain. For example, the clock on your wall was a gift from the person who hurt you, or the shirt you are currently wearing, or any kind of gift or memento that conjures up sad memories instead of happy ones.
In this situation, a prayerful conversation with God about the item might be needed. Discuss if the time has come to let go of the item to encourage your healing. Obviously, if memories aren’t as strong with some items as with others, doing a complete purge of everything from the person might cause you to regress in your healing rather than move forward, so allow God to lead you to what items to keep and which to let go.
I found that when I felt led to give some items away, it felt like the cage door was open a bit on my hurt, and my healing gained a little more momentum.
The biggest step toward progress, especially for those who follow Christ, is being at a point where you can pray for those who hurt you, even praying for blessings for them. Of course, this depends on the hurt that has been caused, and prayers for blessings can range from beneficial things to happen to them to help with their obvious struggles in relationships with others.
Yet, in being able to pray for someone who has hurt you, this means you have reached a point where the healing has overcome the hurt. Whether you see this person or not, praying for them means that, even though the hurt will always be there in some way, it doesn’t overpower your desire for God’s love to be upon them. “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not cruse” (Romans 12:14).
There are other steps you could take to help in relieving the hurt from others, outside of those suggested here, but the hope is that with each step you take, healing replaces the hurt. The understanding is that, although you did not deserve to experience the hurt, you can grow from it and become more confident and loving of yourself in this pursuit of healing.
Don’t Give Up
Though a new year can bring fresh beginnings for people, old wounds from the year before (or even years before) could make it hard to see the blessings ahead. If you are dealing with a hurt from someone that you thought was healed through forgiveness, only to find out it is still there, don’t fear that forgiveness didn’t occur.
Coming to terms with the hurt that was caused, the trust that may need to be restored (or not), and the work ahead to reach healing will help you realize that healing takes time, but is well worth achieving.
If Jesus told Simon Peter that we are to forgive our fellow man seventy times seven times, He was well aware that hurts would happen in this world and we would need to forgive others to move forward. But, we are able to heal with God’s help, so these hurts won’t destroy what God has ahead.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Natalija Grigel
