Six The Encouraging Community

One of my favorite verses is found in Hebrews. It offers a clear call to challenge one another to live as apprentices of Jesus: “Let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another” (Hebrews 10:24-25). Notice the phrase “let us consider.” We need to think about how we could encourage our fellow Christ-followers—literally, “provoke one another”—to love and good deeds. We need people around us who can encourage us to become the kinds of people Christ has called us to be.

All of this sounds good on paper, but in real life this kind of enterprise involves many ups and downs, successes and failures, happy surprises and deep disappointments. Accountability involves the art of encouragement and admonishment. Encouragement is needed when we begin to lose sight or strength to keep fighting the good fight. We need someone in our corner to strengthen and encourage us, just as Paul and his fellow workers did when they visited the churches Paul had planted: “They returned to Lystra, then on to Iconium and Antioch. There they strengthened the souls of the disciples and encouraged them to continue in the faith” (Acts 14:21-22). In the next chapter of Acts, Judas and Silas do the same: “Judas and Silas, who were themselves prophets, said much to encourage and strengthen the believers” (Acts 15:32).

Encouragement is an indispensable part of accountability. We
often think of accountability as a negative thing, as an interaction of tough love. But in reality it is as much about the art of encouragement as it is about the art of keeping high expectations. There is so much in life that beats us down and discourages us that we need a steady dose of encouragement. We each need a fellow Christ-follower who is absolutely convinced that we are great and can do great things. We each need fellow apprentices who applaud us when we succeed and pull us up when we fail.

Encouragement also entails admonishment. To admonish is to warn, to watch out for and to offer guidance to another. Paul told the Colossians, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom” (Colossians 3:16).

When we open our lives to another, we do so with the expectation that he or she will freely offer us a word of warning when we need it. I was in an accountability group with four other men, and we met weekly to share what was going on in our lives. It was quite common for one of us to challenge someone who needed it. This was never done maliciously or with a hint of meanness. Quite the opposite; it was done carefully, and with love.

For example, at one point I had accepted several speaking engagements, and while the ministry work was good, it was taking a toll on several other areas of my life. The guys could see I was tired, and they heard guilt in my voice when I spoke about having to be away from my family, especially when our kids were small. One of the guys said gently, “Jim, I am not sure that you need to take every invitation you are offered. I think it is hurting your soul and your family, even though it is obvious you are doing good work.” The others concurred. Then we talked about working together to decide which engagements I would accept. We came up with a plan, and they offered to help me decide, through prayer, how I would respond. They stepped in, had the courage to admonish me and then offered to bear this burden with me. It was community at its best.

Holding someone accountable is not easy; it takes discernment. Paul told the Thessalonians to treat certain people in certain ways, fitting their condition: “We urge you, beloved, to admonish the idlers, encourage the faint hearted, help the weak, be patient with all of them” (1 Thessalonians 5:14). I love the verbs in this verse: admonish, encourage, help and be patient. This is the grammar of community. Certainly encouragement is necessary, as is helping others and being patient. Those are the characteristics of an apprentice of Jesus, and they are birthed only in community, not in isolation. But the first verb, admonish (warn), is not something many of us feel comfortable with. Still, it is a dimension of love.

What if my accountability group had chosen not to admonish me? What if they, out of fear of hurting my feelings, had simply looked the other way? They would not have been loving me, which by our definition is “to will the good of another.” I understand the reservations: Will the person we admonish get angry? Will he or she leave the fellowship? What if my discernment is wrong? Those are good questions, but they must not prevent us from doing the hard but necessary work of admonishment. If we are to watch over one another in love, we will have to overcome our fear of speaking the truth to a fellow apprentice. Always, though, we must speak the truth in love.

In the eighteenth century the early Methodists were one of the purest examples of the power of accountability in community. The leader, John Wesley, preached to countless people, and thousands were converted. John was encouraged to preach outdoors to the masses by his longtime friend George Whitefield. Whitefield was, by most people’s estimates, a far better preacher than Wesley. He preached to larger audiences and saw greater numbers of conversions than Wesley. But there was a difference in how they instructed people to live after conversion. Whitefield had no plan; he simply assumed that people who gave their life to Christ would find a church and live out the Christian life.

Wesley, on the other hand, insisted that people join what were called societies, which functioned very much like churches (though without Communion, as Wesley was a true Anglican and wanted people to attend an Anglican church as well). In these Methodist societies the people were encouraged to attend many times a week to hear the preaching of Wesley or one of his other ministers. In addition, they were asked to join a class, which consisted of twelve people and a class leader. Each week they were challenged to come to the class meeting to share candidly with one another about the state of their souls. Wesley was so serious about this that if people failed to attend the class meeting, they would not be allowed to return unless they came to him and shared why they were absent.

Though Wesley’s practice might not work in today’s world, it certainly did in his time. He offered people a method (hence the name Methodists) to grow in Christlikeness in the context of communities. The movement spread rapidly and continued to grow in astounding numbers. He asked a lot of his people, but he saw a lot of transformation. The Methodist movement stands as one of the great movements in the church. The work of Wesley continued on through many generations. George Whitefield, however, left no such legacy. While considered one of the greatest preachers, Whitefield never started a movement.

In one stark entry in Wesley’s journal, he commented on a time when he failed to establish societies and classes in a region where he had preached. He returned twenty years after a great revival in a region called Pembrokeshire and was grieved to see that no evidence of their evangelistic success remained. He concluded,

Though “begetting children for the murderer” is quite harsh, it shows how important discipline, order and connection were to Wesley. And they should be to us as well.

I know three things from experience. First, people rise to the level of expectation. We fail because we do not ask for accountability and commitment. Second, people intuitively know that when things are made easy there is little chance that any good will come from it. We lower our expectations because we think people will respond in greater numbers, but in reality we do them no service, and most people sense this. Third, while not everyone in every church is ready to make a commitment to transformation, there are many who are ready and are not being challenged. Far too much attention is being paid to getting people to come to church, and far too little is paid to those who are hungering for a deeper life with God.

When I first started teaching material in The Apprentice Series, I stood before our congregation and offered an anti-pitch pitch to the people. I said, “I am looking for people who are serious about their life with God and are willing to make a commitment—a steep commitment. I am asking for thirty weeks of your life—a few hours each week to read the material and engage in the soul-training exercises, and then to come each Sunday to gather as a group to share how we are doing. You can only miss three of our sessions together. If you cannot make that commitment, then I encourage you not to apply. If you are serious, I need you to write an essay telling me why you want to enter this program. I will read your essay and let you know if you have been accepted.”

Many of the people later told me they were shocked. No one had ever stood up and offered such a challenge. Many felt intimidated. But over forty people wrote essays in order to get in the twenty-five open spots. Those selected came to the group with a lot of excitement, as if they had been selected to do something important. The commitment level was high; the people read, engaged in the exercises and came to the group ready to share. Every person in the group experienced lasting change. I took this same approach for the next three years, ultimately taking over one hundred people through the program. The impact on individual lives, as well as on our church, was evident.

Dallas Willard believes that in any given church approximately 10 percent of the people are ready to grow and willing to make an effort to make it happen. He thinks the church puts too much emphasis on trying to light a fire under the 90 percent, and neglects to challenge the 10 percent who are sitting idle but wanting help. Dallas theorizes that if we challenged the 10 percent, they would grow and subsequently would begin to effect change in others. This method, he believes, has been used by all of the great leaders in Christian history, including the most important of all, Jesus himself. Jesus invested heavily in a small band of followers, who in turn changed the world.

I do, however, want to offer one warning that comes from my experience in churches: the “80/20 rule.” That is, 80 percent of a church’s work is done by 20 percent of the people. There are people who are natural servers, natural doers, who will respond to every call to serve. We tend to take advantage of those who are willing to do whatever is asked. This almost always leads to burnout. We need to challenge the entire community to be involved. Many churches do not ask enough of everyone, and therefore ask too much of only a few, often those who have trouble saying no.

In many of our communities, service is reduced to doing things for the good of the church (e.g., serving on a committee, helping out with activities and events). This is one way to serve, but there are many others. Sometimes we feel as if service to the church is more important than service to the sick and needy. Service is an aspect of discipleship, but service itself is not discipleship. The current arrangement puts too much pressure on a few people to engage in specific acts of service to the church, which ends up overextending those few while the rest sit on the sidelines. In place of the 80/20 rule we need to encourage the entire community to engage in a balanced and comprehensive pattern of apprenticeship where everyone is involved.

One summer I spent two weeks working with Dallas Willard, assisting him in a class he was teaching on spirituality and ministry. We had long talks about formation and the difficulties faced in growing as apprentices of Jesus. We concluded that a key is to have someone standing with us who will hear the state of our soul, someone who will push us to be who we want to be and will be there in the end to ask, “How are you doing?” A moment of silence hung in the air. I wanted to ask Dallas if he would be willing to do that for me. Then I realized that I should offer to do the same for him. The thought of asking my wise, Christlike mentor, “Dallas, would you mind baring your soul to me and letting me hold you accountable?” seemed ludicrous.

Which is why I did it. And amazingly, he agreed without hesitation. We were driving to an airport and had about thirty minutes in the car, and another forty-five in the airport. During that time he shared the areas of his life that needed a little nudge, and I did the same. My need for nudging far exceeded his, but you get the idea. We agreed to hold each other in prayer for a year, and every time we saw each other we would ask how we were doing. We ended up being in the same place three times over the year, and we never failed to ask how our plan was working.

Knowing that Dallas knew what I wanted to do and that he was counting on me to stand with him in prayer and encouragement helped me that year. I was able to make some real strides in a few areas, and believe it or not, Dallas did as well. It showed me that no matter who we are, no matter how deeply we live in the kingdom, we still need to be encouraged, admonished and challenged to grow in Christlikeness; we need to be accountable to an encouraging community.

This week, find a person who can encourage you and watch over you in love. I recommend you find someone within your small group or church (if you are involved in one). If not, seek out a trusted friend. It may be your spouse, though this is not recommended. It is probably better to ask a good friend, someone who would not be terribly surprised at being asked to do the following exercise with you.

The key here is finding someone you feel safe with. You will discuss the state of your soul with this person, so it is imperative that you feel comfortable with this person. If you sense that this person might judge you or react to what you say in an unloving way, then choose someone else.

Once you have chosen this person, be sure to make clear what you want from him or her. It is not necessary for the person to reciprocate; you are not asking your friend to bare his or her soul with you, but to ask you some questions and listen, and to offer some encouragement or admonishment if necessary.

When you meet, use the following questions. Be sure that your partner asks them of you, and if they’re comfortable, you ask the same questions of your friend:

These are great questions. They elicit a lot of good responses. And if you answer them openly and honestly, it will lead to some very fruitful discussion.

If the person is simply there to ask you these questions and not to answer them in return, do not be surprised if he or she decides to answer them anyway—especially if you model transparency. People long to know and be known, and when they feel safe they will usually share a great deal. We live in an age of much talking but little listening. If you show a willingness to listen, be prepared to do so. People are hungering for a safe place to share from
their depths.

That said, be careful about what and how much you share. Unless you have a long-standing relationship and have done this kind of thing with this person, you cannot be sure of his or her reaction. Should you share something shocking, this exercise could turn out badly. A good rule of thumb is to share only what you think the person can handle. Should you need to share something deeper and more painful, I would encourage you to seek out a pastor or a mental-health-care professional, because they are trained to deal with information or problems that others are not trained to understand.

Above all, be at peace. If this is the first time you are doing something like this, do not enter into it with a great deal of worry and concern. This exercise is designed to be a gift, not a burden. Approach it with an attitude of joyful expectancy. If it becomes uncomfortable, keep the discussion at a more informal level. It may take time to develop trust with this person. Again, be at peace. You cannot rush these kinds of interactions. If, however, you are able to find it—now or down the road—you have found a treasure more valuable than gold.

One other concern: when choosing your partner within an existing group, be mindful of the fact that this can lead to hurt feelings. Someone may not be asked to be anyone’s partner. Try to be sensitive to this, and if necessary, ask that person to be your partner—it is all right to have more than one.