Four Learning To Live Without Anger

Life must always be fair and just.

Life is not always fair and just, but God gets the last word.

I need to be perfect all of the time.

Jesus accepts me—even though I am not perfect.

Where do you think perfection comes from?

These kingdom narratives are based on the reality of the presence and power of God. For Jesus, the kingdom was not simply a nice idea, but a very real place—life with God, which is available to all. Outside the kingdom of God we are on our own. We must protect ourselves, fight for our rights and punish those who offend us. Inside the kingdom of God, life is much different. God is with us, protecting us and fighting for our well-being. Knowing this, much of our anger will diminish.

From fear to trust. In the kingdom of God, Jesus informs us, we can trust our heavenly Father. I learned about trust a few years ago. My daughter Hope and I were at one of my son’s many baseball games. She went off to a swing with a friend. She never left my field of vision, but I moved from one part of the stands to another. When she turned to see me in the stands she thought that I was gone; she welled up with tears and began running to the stands. Only about thirty seconds went by, but within that time she lost her breath and began panting with fear. I said, “Hope, I am over here,” and she came running. “How could you leave me!” she said, trembling. “I never left you,” I said, “and I never lost sight of you. You just lost sight of me.” She calmed down quickly, but the fear took a while to subside.

How does trust diffuse anger?

We may lose sight of God, but God never loses sight of us. God gives us space to experiment, grow and mature; God never intrudes. But this doesn’t mean God is not with us, is not watching us, is not intimately familiar with our comings and goings. Jesus promised: “I will never leave you or forsake you.” Jesus’ narrative is that God permits nothing to happen to us that he cannot redeem and use for good. In the kingdom of heaven God is always near. We are never alone and never need to be afraid. When I live with this reality deep in my mind and heart, anger cannot get a grip on me. I certainly have many unmet expectations each day, but when fear is not present, anger does not arise.

To make headway with our anger, we need to fill our minds with kingdom narratives. Andrew Lester writes,

How do people change? . . . [C]hange occurs only when a person’s stories are reconfigured, reframed, or re-authored. . . . The only way to change is to change our narrative. . . . We have the capacity to develop new images—that is, new narratives—to replace those that produce undesirable “scripts” (stories) which make us vulnerable to anger.

We can change our narratives. It will not be quick or easy, but it is possible.

Before discussing how to deal with anger in healthy ways, it is important to recognize what is good about anger. God designed us with the capacity for anger. Yet all of us are embarrassed by our angry outbursts, which often leave a trail of hurt and pain. So, why did God make anger possible? Anger is the correct response to injustice, and we are naturally opposed to injustice because we are created in the image of a just God. Many Christians think anger is always sinful and therefore repress or swallow it, which is not the best way to deal with anger. Becoming angry, in some cases, is the right course of action.

There are two instances in the Gospels when Jesus got angry. The first was when the Pharisees missed the point of the law (in this case, when Jesus healed on the sabbath [Mk 3:5]). The other is when Jesus drove the money changers out of the temple:

Then Jesus entered the temple and drove out all who were selling and buying in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who sold doves. He said to them, “It is written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer’; but you are making it a den of robbers.” (Matthew 21:12-13)

Jesus was clearly angry, yet he was also sinless. Therefore, being angry is not always sinful. In fact, Jesus’ anger was completely justified. There is such a thing as righteous anger, and there is a right response to it. “Righteous anger consists in getting angry at the things that anger God, and then seeking a proper remedy to correct the wrong.”

Describe a time when you felt your anger was righteous.

We ought to be angry about things like child abuse, the rich exploiting the poor, fraud, deception and neglect. It is right to become upset about injustice. This motivates us to work toward change. In The Good and Beautiful God I wrote about the wrath of God, which is a right reaction to sin and evil. I used Mothers Against Drunk Driving as an example of how anger can be constructive and lead to positive change.

The apostle Paul counsels, “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). By saying “be angry” Paul is not encouraging anger. He recognizes it is a part of life, and instead of repressing it he instructs that we should not let the sun go down on our anger. Archibald Hart explains, “Paul is saying here that it is not the anger itself (the feeling) that is wrong, but that anger has the potential for leading you into sin. To feel anger, to tell someone that you feel angry, and to talk about your anger are both healthy and necessary.”

When we let the sun go down on our anger, we allow it to poison our souls. This is why Paul follows with the warning “do not make room for the devil.” The Greek word for “room” is topos, which means “place or footing.” Unexpressed and unresolved anger give the enemy a foothold to work from. Anger easily can be turned into resentment (Why does she always neglect me? or He always gets what I deserve) and despair (Life is unfair, why even try?). So we need to examine the cause of our anger. Perhaps it is right-eous anger, which can lead us to correct an injustice. The vast majority of my anger is unrighteous and is a natural outgrowth of the FINs I have to fight.

When has God used a trial to shape your character?

The day I sat in traffic on the 405 freeway was the first day I really examined my anger and began to work toward change, thanks to the prompting and power of the Holy Spirit. Since that day I have come a long way. I understand a lot more about what causes anger and how to diffuse it. But I am not entirely free of anger. Tonight I got mad at my dog because he stole my sandwich. I called him unpleasant things in a not-so-polite tone. But a few minutes later I laughed. I think being able to laugh at ourselves is a pretty good sign that we are progressing. Just remember to give yourself grace. Change is slow. As long as we continue to work on changing our narrative and engage in spiritual exercises, we will see changes.

Keeping the sabbath is a spiritual exercise that can help us better deal with our anger. This may seem strange because anger and sabbath keeping do not seem to have much in common. But there is a strong connection. Anger is about unmet expectations and fear. Sabbath is about trusting God and his ways. As Norman Wirzba notes,

Sabbath rest is thus a call to Sabbath trust, a call to visibly demonstrate in our daily living that we know ourselves to be upheld and maintained by the grace of God rather than the strength and craftiness of our own hands. To enjoy a Sabbath day, we must give up our desire for total control. We must learn to live by the generosity of manna falling all around us.

Anger is a result of our need to control (unmet expectations) and fear, and the sabbath teaches us to trust in God’s strength. Sabbath keeping, therefore, is the perfect exercise to help us deal with anger.

Sabbath forces us out of the role of God in our lives. Allowing God to take care of us, we relax and enjoy life. That is essentially what it means to rest. That is why sleep is such an important part of the sabbath. Sleep is an act of trust. We let go. We trust that no one will harm us even though we have no proof that all will be well.

Rest. Trust. Surrendering control. These are the core elements of sabbath keeping, and they help us deal with anger. But there is even more to sabbath keeping than simply refraining from activity. Sabbath keeping is also a matter of joy and delight. Jesus did not keep the sabbath legalistically. On many occasions he performed actions on the sabbath that the Pharisees thought were sinful. For example, he healed people, and on one occasion he and his disciples picked some corn that they later ate. Jesus smartly observed, “The sabbath was made for humankind, and not humankind for the sabbath; so the Son of Man is lord even of the sabbath” (Mark 2:27-28)

Like any other spiritual practice, the sabbath easily degenerates into legalism. But Jesus says the sabbath is a gift, not a set of laws. Jesus certainly kept the sabbath, for he never sinned. He kept the sabbath in the right spirit.

How can we practice sabbath keeping? A rule of thumb is to start small. Here are some of the things I like to do.

Take some time to plan your sabbath. Which day will you do it? What will you do? What will you eat?

Start in the evening with a special meal for you, your family and friends.

Light a candle or two at the center of the table when everyone has come to the table. You might want to use this ancient Jewish prayer, typically said by the woman of the home: “Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, who hast sanctified us by Thy commandments and commanded us to kindle the Sabbath lights.”

During the meal it is customary for the man of the house (the father, if there are children) to bless everyone at the table. I usually keep this informal (e.g., I tell my children how much I love them and how proud I am of them). This can be very special.

Play games!

Eat great food that you love. I live by the unwritten (and unsubstantiated) rule that calories do not count on the sabbath!

Go to church together (if you choose Sunday as your sabbath).

Try not to eat out (it makes others work), which will mean having food prepared by you for the next day.

Nap!

Set aside some time for private prayer.

Read a good devotional book or write in your journal.

Look over the list of blessings you created earlier in the curriculum (in the first book, The Good and Beautiful God, pp. 70-71), and give thanks.

Spend some time reading the Bible—just don’t make it a heavy study.

Practice hospitality—invite friends to eat with you.

A common question: Is there a certain day of the week we should keep the sabbath? In my view, no. For Jewish people and Seventh-day Adventists, it is Saturday (or sundown Friday evening to sundown Saturday evening). But since the fourth century most Christians observed the sabbath on Sunday, the day the Lord rose from the grave. This allowed Christians to honor the ancient sabbath and Jesus’ resurrection. Sunday works best for most Christians because they have the day off. Nevertheless, I do not believe that any certain day is the right day. (For pastors, Sunday is about the last day for them to experience rest!)