Eleven Learning To Live Without Judging Others

Just as pigs can’t digest pearls, people can’t digest being judged or condemned. It does not meet their need; it cannot be digested. Even if our judgment is sound, the approach is wrong. They will receive it just as the pigs received pearls. They will go on the offensive. That is how judgment works. The judging person is not being compassionate and understanding, but condescending. And no one likes that or responds well to it.

One moment I wish I could do over is when I hurt my son by judging him. Jacob was thirteen and loved playing baseball. The previous year his coach said he was the team’s most effective pitcher, and in the season-ending tournament he hit two home runs. But the next year, for a variety of reasons, he was playing poorly. He made errors in the field, walked batters when he pitched and slumped at the plate. Each game became more and more frustrating. The coach moved him to the bottom of the batting order and this only added to the anxiety.

After a particularly bad game I was really upset because Jacob made an error and just stood there while another player went after the ball. He appeared to have given up, to have quit trying. On the ride home we sat in silence. He asked to stop for ice cream, which we always did, but this time I said no.

“Why?” Jacob asked, “because I played so bad tonight?”

“No,” I replied defensively, though he was right.

“Then why?”

“Because you don’t deserve it. You are not trying hard enough. You aren’t practicing hard enough. Sometimes I think you are just plain lazy. You play video games when you could be hitting off the tee. Let me tell you this, it only gets harder. Maybe you just don’t have what it takes to be a ball player.” I had just cast my pearls, dropped my bombs, and as a result I broke his spirit with my harsh words of judgment.

I looked over and saw a tear run down his cheek. My heart sank. But I was still angry, so I said nothing. Remember, anger is a secondary emotion; fear was producing the anger—my fear that baseball, something that gave him joy and made me proud, was being threatened. I tried to tell myself that I was doing a good thing by trying to “wake him up” or “light a fire” under him.

Jacob could not digest my pearls of wisdom. They were of no benefit to him. Fortunately, I came to my senses the next day and asked his forgiveness. Unfortunately, a lot of parents fail to repent, and over time their children become bitter. Paul writes, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart” (Colossians 3:21). No wonder so many children grow up with resentment toward their parents. Many parents are dogmatic, impose unfair restrictions, ridicule things their children take seriously and make insulting references about their friends. It should come as no surprise that our children prefer the company of friends and families where they aren’t judged and condemned.

Condemnation engineering is prevalent in many families, which explains why so many people can’t tolerate a few minutes at a large family gathering. I have seen this repeatedly at weddings I officiate. One person will not come if so and so does, or will attend only if he or she can be seated far from another family member. Condemnation engineering works just like pearls fed to pigs. It fails and harms human relationships.

So far Jesus has given us ample reason not to judge others: First, it provokes anger and retaliatory judgment. Second, like a log in our eye condemnation prevents us from being able to help others. Third, it does not nourish because it’s indigestible. If we can dispense with judging others, we will be in a position to help others. Assuming we reach that first crucial step, what is the right way to help someone? The answer comes in the next few verses:

Most people read this section as if it were unrelated to the previous verses, as if Jesus suddenly switched topics from judgment to prayer. While it is about prayer, I don’t think Jesus has switched subjects. The issue is still about helping others. After he has told us how not to help others, he now tells us how to benefit others, which is to begin with prayer.

First we must take the log out of our eye; that is, we refuse to judge or use condemnation engineering. We are not God; our judgment is often inaccurate, which fails to help people. We need to examine ourself, and if there is a board in our eye, we can, with the help of the Spirit and perhaps a fellow apprentice of Jesus, begin to work on it. Then we can ask what we can do to help someone who needs to change something in his or her life. Of course there is, and the best way to help another is found in three words: ask, seek and knock. Remember, even though Jesus is now talking about prayer, he does so in the context of helping people. Let’s look briefly at each word to see how we can help in practical ways.

Ask. The first thing we do when trying to help others is to pray for them. When we pray for someone our hearts shift to the person’s well-being; it’s impossible not to begin to feel compassion for him or her. Prayer also helps us to accurately assess another’s situation. Many times I have prayed for a person and felt a gentle correction from the Spirit. For example, I may assume that a person has a certain weakness, so I assume I need to pray for him or her to overcome it. Quite often the Spirit has led me to consider that a deep wound in the person’s life is creating the behavior. When I sense this, my prayer shifts from the behavior to the wound, and I ask the Spirit to begin healing that person, not merely to change his or her behavior.

Prayer is a wonderful gift from God that helps us in at least three ways. First and foremost, we are inviting God into the situation. We are not alone, but are colaboring with God in an effort to help others. Second, we begin to feel more compassion and less criticism. Third, we have the wisdom of God available to us. God can provide guidance and perspectives that we do not have on our own. T. W. Manson explains, “The whole business of judging persons is in God’s hands, for He alone knows the secrets of men’s hearts.” Many times while praying for another I have come to see the situation in a new light. This is why Jesus tells us to begin by asking.

After praying for a person for a while, we may be in a position to ask him or her if we can address the situation we are concerned about. I have found that when I am standing firmly in the kingdom of God and have prayed for people, they are more receptive to listen to what I have to say. The caveat, however, is that this should come only after we have spent a lot of time praying for them.

Seek and knock. Jesus then says we are to seek and knock. These are words of persistence that apply in two ways. First, we are to be persistent in our prayers. Second, we need to communicate to the person that we are standing with him or her. Judging others, remember, is to stand at a distance and lob our grenades. In the kingdom we live in union with one another. My brother’s struggle is my struggle as well. So we show our love by continuing to pray for the person and by letting the person know that he or she is not alone. This can be done through sending an encouraging card or e-mail, or by calling the person.

Most of the struggle we and our friends face will not go away overnight. Most problems are not overcome with a single prayer, not because God is not strong enough or our prayers are not good enough, but because change often comes slowly. Jesus is telling us that importunity is often necessary. Our persistent prayer is a sign not of a lack of faith but of our love and commitment. God is really good, Jesus tells us, even better than earthly parents who care for their children. God wants to give us good gifts, and apparently dogged determination and diligence in prayer is the way God works in our lives or the lives of those we care about.

Jesus ends this section of the Sermon with perhaps his most famous words: “In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12), which we call “the Golden Rule.”

Most people read the Sermon as a random compilation of Jesus’ best sayings, but we have been noting all along the importance of order, and the Golden Rule is another example of the order of Jesus’ teaching. The Golden Rule is the grand finale of his discussion of condemnation engineering, and his final word is to treat others as we would like to be treated. This is his most direct attack against judging others, because he is reminding us just how much we dislike being judged ourselves.

When I am faced with a situation where I need to correct someone, I ask myself, How would I want to be dealt with? This puts a quick halt to my most natural approach (drive-by judging), because I do not like it when people do that to me. If we followed the Golden Rule we would never judge others. John Wesley once said, “Do not unto another what you would not he should do unto you; and you will never more judge your neighbour. . . . You will never mention even the real fault of an absent person.” We would help them, pray for them, ask to help them and stand with them, but we would never judge them.

I began this chapter with a story about Mark, who asked me to help him decide how to confront his friend’s bad behavior. I asked him to get out his Bible, and together we looked at Jesus’ teaching on judging others (Matthew 7:1-6), how it provokes anger and nearly always fails to bring genuine change. We then looked at the section on asking, seeking and knocking (Matthew 7:7-11), and I explained that this was the Jesus way of helping people we think need to change (Matthew 7:12). Mark had been ready to march in, hand his friend his list of infractions and let the judgment itself do the work of transformation. I convinced him that it would not work, and would likely harm the friendship, perhaps irreparably.

“So what should I do?” he asked.

“Spend one week praying for your friend. Don’t pray about the situation or how to fix your friend, just pray for your friend, for his well-being, for his relationship with God,” I said.

“OK. Then what?”

“Then we will meet again next week, same time, same restaurant,” I responded.

“But,” he asked, “what about my list? What about my confrontation?”

“Not yet,” I said. “Put your list in a drawer for now. Just spend a week praying for him, and then we will enter the next phase.”

A week later we met for lunch, and I could tell Mark was very different. He wasn’t agitated; he seemed peaceful. I asked him if he had been praying for his friend, and he said he had. “Praying for him changed everything, Jim,” he said. “I feel a lot more compassion for him, and my need to attack him is nearly gone. Still, I feel like I want to address this issue with him. What is the next step?”

“Remember the Jesus way we talked about last time?” I asked.

“Right. Ask comes first. I think I know what I need to do.”

We met again two weeks later, and he was excited to tell me how well it had gone with his friend. Mark shared with me a story that reinforced my appreciation of Jesus’ teaching. He said that he remained in a posture of support with his friend, who opened up about his past. Mark’s friend, he learned, had an abusive and distant father. Without any prompting, his friend talked about his fear of repeating his father’s pattern. He thanked Mark for letting him open up, and he asked Mark to continue to walk with him in a journey toward change.

“I am so thankful I followed Jesus’ approach and not my own,” Mark concluded. “If I had given him my list and attacked him, even in a spirit of Christian love, it would have backfired. I never knew about his dad, and now I understand him and his struggle a lot better.”

Not every story will end this well. There have been times I have followed Jesus’ approach and had no success in working toward change, at least as far as I could tell. Some people are not ready to change. The heart is locked from within. Nevertheless, Jesus’ method of helping others is by far the best. Judging others is tempting, but it never succeeds long term. The far better approach is to pray for and stand with those we care about. In short, we treat them as we want to be treated. No other teacher in history can surpass the brilliance of Jesus.

Earlier I mentioned when I cast pearls of judgment on my son, Jacob, and how I wish I had a chance to do that over again. We can’t reverse the past, but we can redeem our former mistakes. Though I was frustrated that night, by the time I reached home I took a shower, grabbed a cup of coffee and prayed. During that prayer the Spirit reminded me of the right way to correct someone, and I pondered how I would want to be treated if I were in my son’s shoes. The answer began to emerge even before I fell asleep.

I went into Jacob’s room, and we sat and talked. I apologized, and he accepted. I then said, “Pal, how are you feeling about this season?” He shared how frustrated and anxious he was. We talked about how that is normal when things are going badly, but then we talked about doing the things that we can do, which is to practice hard. I said to him, “I want you to know that I am with you all the way. Whatever you want me to do, I will do.” He told me he wanted me to hit him ground balls, to play catch and to pitch to him so he could work on his hitting. For the next month we spent a lot of time doing drills in the hot summer sun. He slowly came out of his slump and his confidence increased. The game became fun again.

I learned a lot through this event. If we really want to see people change, we have to be willing to come alongside and participate with them, to make sacrifices of our own time and energy. I am so thankful that I have the privilege of prayer and the resources of the kingdom of God. Even if Jacob’s problem had not been solved, it still would have been a great blessing. We learned about doing the hard work required of all life’s endeavors, and in the process my son and I grew closer. Building your life on the commands of Jesus, though sometimes challenging, is building on a solid foundation.

Throughout the Apprentice Series we have been working from these basic principles: do what you can, not what you can’t; begin where you are, not where you want to be; take small, attainable steps toward change, not impossible steps that lead to failure. With that in mind, this week I would like us to work on an area of our lives that we often tolerate as a kind of “acceptable sin”: gossip.

Perhaps the most pervasive form of judgment is gossip. I define gossip as (1) speaking negatively (2) about someone who is not present. Those are the two elements of gossip. If you say something positive (“Brad got a promotion at work; he is such a hard worker”), or if the person is present (“Did you hear about Brad’s promotion? Tell them, Brad, or do you want me to?”), it’s not gossip.

This week try to go one to three days without gossiping. Forgoing gossip for a single day can be challenging, but try to go for at least three days without saying anything negative about a person who is not present.

John Wesley created small groups of three to five serious apprentices of Jesus, which he called bands. Among the basic rules Wesley drew up for the bands was this: “Not to mention the fault of any behind his back, and to stop short those that do.” The first part fits my description of gossip (mentioning the fault of someone not present), but I particularly like the second part (stopping others who are gossiping). I would like you to try that second part as well. When you are in a situation where someone is gossiping, simply interject something like, “Perhaps it’s best not to talk about someone who is not present.”

This may come off as self-righteous to the gossiping person, especially if that person has known you to gossip. If you feel that something like that is too strong, (1) simply walk away when others are gossiping or (2) refuse to participate and change the subject as soon as you can. I have noticed that restraint inspires restraint. In other words, when we see someone refusing to gossip, it can remind us that gossip is wrong and help us to quit doing it right on the spot. My friend Matt Johnson finds this helpful: before gossip gets out of hand he alters the conversation by saying something positive about the person being attacked: “Well, I don’t know Tom as well as you, but he appears to be a really generous person.” According to Matt, this reframes the conversation and usually defuses the gossip.

Through the years I have come to see more clearly the destructive nature of gossip. We sometimes condone it because it doesn’t feel like a terrible sin. We even rationalize it by calling it other names: evaluation, sharing, discussing a situation. And to be sure, there are times when we are called on to tell the truth about a person not present. For example, I frequently am asked to be a reference for a person, and it is my duty to be honest. When asked if a person is reliable and I have experienced the person as unreliable, I must tell the truth. That is not gossip.

Despite that warning, I believe that most of us know exactly what gossip is and when we or someone else is doing it. Even when I try to spin it as “just being honest about a person,” I know in my heart when I am trying to tear someone down. Refusing to gossip and trusting God to help us silence as much gossip as we can is one of the most loving things we can do for others. Again, we begin with what we can do, not what we can’t. Progress in the spiritual life works this way. I believe you can live a day without gossip. And when you do, I trust that you will see that you are capable of living without it.