THE EIGHTH BOOK.
AUGUSTINE'S THIRTY-SECOND YEAU—HE CONSULTS BIMPLICIANUB — FROM HIM S hears THE HISTORY OF THE CONVERSION OF VICTORINUS, AND LONGS TO DEVOTE HIMSELF ENTIRELY TO GOD, BUT 1S MASTERED BY HIS OLD HABITS —1S still FURTHER ROUSED BY THE HISTORY OF ANTONY, AND THE CONVERSION OF TWO COURTIERS — DURING A SEVERE STRUGGLE, HEARS A VOICE FROM HEAVEN, OPENS SCRIPTURE, AND IS CONVERTED, WITH HIS FRIEND ALYPIUS — HIS MOTHER'S vision FULFILLED.
I. O my God! let me, with thanksgiving, remember, and confess unto Thee Thy mercies to me. Let my bones be bedewed with Thy love, and let them say unto Thee, Who is like unto Thee, 0 Lord?1 T/wu hast broken my bonds in sunder, I wil l offer unto Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving? And how Thou hast broken them, I will declare; and all who worship Thee, when they hear this, shall say, "Blessed be the Lord, in heaven and in earth, great and wonderful is his name." Thy words had stuck fast in my heart, and I was hedged round about on all sides by Thee? Of Thy eternal life I was now certain, though I saw it in a figure and as through a glass* Yet I had ceased to doubt that there was an incorruptible substance, whence was all other substance; nor did I now desire to be more certain of Thee, but more steadfast in Thee. As for my temVisits Simplicianus. \11
1 Ps. xxxv. 10. 8 Job. i. 10.
2 Ps. cxvi. 16,17. 4 1 Cor. xiii. 12.
poral life, all was wavering, and my heart had to be purged from the old leaven.1 The Way,* the Saviour Himself, well pleased me, but as yet I shrunk from going through its straitness. And Thou didst put into my mind, and it seemed good in my eyes, to go to Simplicianus, who seemed to me a good servant of Thine; and Thy grace shone in Him. I had heard also, that from his very youth he had lived most devoted unto Thee. Now he was grown into years; and by reason of so great age spent in such zealous following of Thy ways, he seemed to me likely to have learned much experience; and so he had. Out of which store, I wished that he would tell me (setting before him my anxieties) which were the fittest way for one in my case to walk in Thy paths.
2. For I saw the church full; and one went this way, and another that way. But I was displeased, that I led a secular life; yea, now that my desires no longer inflamed me, as of old, with hopes of honor and profit, a very grievous burden it was to undergo so heavy a bondage. For, in comparison of Thy sweetness, and the beauty of Thy house which I loved,3 those things delighted me no longer. But still I was enthralled with the love of woman; nor did the Apostle forbid me to marry, although he advised me to something better, chiefly wishing that all men were as himself was.1 But I, being weak, chose the more indulgent place; and because of this 178 Augustine's distractions.
11 Cor. v. 7. 8 Ps. xxvi. 8.
2 John xiv. 6. * 1 Cor. vii. 8.
alone, was tossed up and down in all beside, faint and wasted with withering cares, because in other matters I was constrained against my will to conform myself to a married life, to which I was given up and enthralled. I had heard from the mouth of the Truth, that there were some eunuchs, which had made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake: but, saith He, let him who can receive it receive it} Surely vain are all men who are ignorant of God, and could not out of the good things which are seen, find out Him who is good? But I was no longer in that vanity; I had surmounted it; and by the common witness of all Thy creatures had found Thee our Creator, and Thy Word, God with Thee, and together with Thee one God, by whom Thou createdst all things. There is yet another kind of ungodly, who knowing God, glorified Him not as God, neither were thankful? Into this also had I fallen, but Thy right hand upheld me,* and took me thence, and Thou placedst me where I might recover. For Thou hast said unto man,, Behold, the fear of the Lord is wisdom, 5 and Desire not to seem wise ;6 because they who affirmed themselves to be wise, became fools.7 But I had now found the goodly pearl, which, selling all that I had? I ought to have bought, and I hesitated.
II. 3. To Simplicianus then I went, the spiritual father of Ambrose (a Bishop now), and whom Ambrose truly loved as a father. To him I related the The conversion of Victorinus. 179
1 Matt. xix. 12. i Ts. xviii. 85. 1 Rom. i. 22.
2 Wisd. xiii. 1. « Job xxviii. 28. 8 Matt. xiii. 46.
3 Rom. i 21. 6 Prov. iii. 7.
mazes of my wanderings. But when I mentioned that I had read certain books of the Platonists, which Victorinus, sometime Rhetoric Professor of Rome (who had died a Christian, as I had heard), had translated into Latin, he testified his joy that I had not fallen upon the writings of other philosophers, full of fallacies and deceits, after the rudiments of this world,1 whereas the Platonists many ways led to the belief in God and His Word. Then to exhort me to the humility of Christ, hidden from the wise, and revealed to little ones,2 he spoke of Victorinus himself, whom, while at Rome, he had most intimately known: and of him he related what I will not conceal. For it contains great praise of Thy grace, to be confessed unto Thee, how that aged man, most learned and skilled in the liberal sciences, and who had read and weighed so many works of the philosophers; the instructor of so many noble Senators; who also, as a monument of his excellent discharge of his office, had (which men of this world esteem a high honor) both deserved and obtained a statue in the Roman Forum; he, to that time of life a worshipper of idols, and a partaker of the sacrilegious rites, to which almost all the nobility of Rome were given up, and which had inspired the people with the love of
Anubis, barking deity, and all
The monster gods of every kind, who fought
'Gainst Neptune, Venus, and Minerva:
whom Rome had once conquered, and now adored, 180 The conversion
1 Col. ii. 8. 2 Matt. xi. 25.
all which the aged Victorinus had with thundering eloquence Bo many years defended;—he now blushed not to be the child of Thy Christ, and the new-born babe of Thy fountain; submitting his neck to the yoke of humility, and subduing his forehead to the reproach of the Cross.
4. O Lord, Lord, Which hast bowed the heavens and come down, touched the mountains and they did smoke,1 by what means didst Thou convey Thyself into that breast? He used to read (as Simplicianus said) the holy Scripture, most studiously sought and searched into all the Christian writings, and said to Simplicianus (not openly, but privately, and as a friend), "Understand that I am already a Christian." Whereto Simplicianus answered, "I will not believe it, nor will I rank you among Christians, unless I see you in the Church of Christ." The other, in banter, replied, "Do walls then make Christians?" And this he often said, that he was already a Christian; and Simplicianus as often made the same answer, and the conceit of the "walls" was by the other as often renewed. For he feared to offend his friends, proud daemon-worshippers; from the height of whose Babylonian dignity, as from cedars of Libanus,2 which the Lord had not yet broken down, he supposed the weight of enmity would fall upon him. But after that by reading and earnest thought he had gathered firmness, and feared to be denied by Christ before the holy angels, should he now be afraid to confess Him before men," and appeared to him
1 Ps. cxliv. 5. 2 Ps. xxix. 5. » Luke ix. 26.
self guilty of a heavy offence, in being ashamed of the Sacraments of Thy lowly Word and not ashamed of the sacrilegious rites of those proud daemons, whose pride he had imitated and their rites adopted, he became bold-faced against vanity, and shame-faced towards the truth, and suddenly and unexpectedly said to Simplicianus (as himself told me), "Go we to the church; I wish to be made a Christian." But he, not containing himself for joy, went with him. And having been admitted to the first sacraments and become a Catechumen, not long after he further gave in his name, that he might be regenerated by baptism, — Rome wondering, the Church rejoicing. The proud saw, and were wroth; they gnashed with their teeth, and melted away} But the Lord God was the hope of Thy servant, and he regarded not vanities and lying madness.2
5. To conclude: when the hour was come for making profession of his faith (which profession at Rome they who are about to approach to Thy grace deliver, from an elevated place, in the sight of all the faithful, in a set form of words committed to memory), the presbyters, he said, offered Victorinus (as was done to such as seemed likely through bashfulness to be alarmed) to make his profession more privately; but he chose rather to profess his salvation in the presence of the holy multitude. "For it was not salvation that he taught in rhetoric, and yet that he had publicly professed: how much less then ought he, when pronouncing Thy word, to
1 Ps. cxii 10. 2 Ps. xxxi. 6, 40, etc
fear Thy meek flock, who, when delivering his own words, had not feared a mad multitude!" When, then, he went up to make his profession, all, as they knew him, whispered his name one to another with the voice of congratulation. And who there knew him not? And there ran a low murmur through all the mouths of the rejoicing multitude, Victorinus! Yictorinus! Sudden was the burst of rapture, that they saw him; suddenly were they hushed that they might hear him. He pronounced the true faith with an excellent boldness, and all wished to draw him into their very heart: yea, by their love and joy they drew him thither; such were the hands wherewith they drew him.
III. C. Good God! what takes place in man, that he should more rejoice at the salvation of a soul despaired of, and freed from greater peril, than if there had always been hope of him, or the danger had been less? For so Thou also, merciful Father, dost more rejoice over one penitent, than over ninetynine just persons, that need no repentance} And with much joyfulness do we hear, so often as we hear with what joy the sheep which has strayed is brought back upon the shepherd,s shoulder, and the groat is restored to Thy treasury, the neighbors rejoicing with the woman who found it /* and the joy of the solemn service of Thy house forceth to tears, when in Thy house it is read of Thy younger son, that he was dead and liveth again; had been lost, and is found. For Thou rejoicest in us, and in Thy holy angels, holy through holy charity. For Thou
1 Luke xv. 7 2 Luke xv 5—9
art ever the same; for all things which abide not the same nor for ever, Thou for ever knowest in the same way.
7. What then takes place in the soul, when it is more delighted at finding or recovering the things it loves, than if it had ever had them? yea, and other things witness hereunto; and all things are full of witnesses, crying out, "So is it." The conquering commander triumpheth; yet had he not conquered unless he had fought; and the more peril there was in the battle, so much the more joy is there in the triumph. The storm tosses the sailors, threatens shipwreck; all wax pale at approaching death; sky and sea are calmed, and they are exceeding joyed, as having been exceeding afraid. A friend is sick, and his pulse threatens danger; all who long for his recovery are sick in mind with him. He is restored, though as yet he walks not with his former strength; yet there is such joy as was not when before he walked sound and strong. Yea, the very pleasures of human life men acquire by difficulties, not those only which fall upon us unlooked for, and against our wills, but even by self-chosen, and pleasure-seeking trouble. Eating and drinking have no pleasure, unless there precede the pinching of hunger and thirst. Men, given to drink, eat certain salt meats to procure a troublesome heat, which, the drink allaying, causes pleasure. It is also ordered that the affianced bride should not at once be given, lest as a husband he should hold cheap her whom, as betrothed, he sighed not after.
God's goodness towards penitents.
8. This law holds in foul and accursed joy; in permitted and lawful joy; in the very purest perfection of friendship; in him who was dead, and lived again, had been lost and was found. Everywhere the greater joy is ushered in by the greater pain. What means this, O Lord my God, whereas Thou art everlastingly joy to Thyself, and some things around Thee evermore rejoice in Thee? What means this, that this portion of things thus ebbs and flows alternately displeased and reconciled? Is this their allotted measure? Is this all Thou hast assigned to them, whereas from the highest heavens to the lowest earth, from the beginning of the world to the end of ages, from the angel to the worm, from the first motion to the last, Thou settest each in its place, and realizest each in their season, every thing good after its kind? Woe is me! how high art Thou in the highest, and how deep in the deepest! and Thou never departest from us, and we scarcely return to Thee.
IV. 9. Up, Lord, and do; stir us up, and recall us ; kindle and draw us; inflame, grow sweet unto us ; let us now love, let us run} Do not many, out of a deeper hell of blindness than Vietorinus, return to Thee, approach, and are enlightened, receiving that light, which they who receive, receive power from Thee to become Thy sons?2 But if they happen to be less known to the people, even those that do know them rejoice less for them in conversion. For when many rejoice together, each also has more exuberant joy; for that they are kindled and God's goodness towards penitents. 185
1 Cant. i. 4.
2 John i. 12.
inflamed one by the other. Again, because those that are widely known influence many more towards salvation, and lead the way with many to follow; therefore do they also who preceded these widely known persons much rejoice in them, because they rejoice not in them alone. For far be it, that in Thy tabernacle the persons of the rich should be accepted before the poor, or the noble before the ignoble; seeing rather that Thou hast chosen the weak things of the world, to confound the strong; and the base things of this world, and the things despised hast Thou chosen, and those things which are not, that Thou mighlest bring to nought things that are} And yet even that least of Thy apostles,2 by whose tongue Thou soundest forth these words, when, through his warfare, Paulus the Proconsul, his pride conquered, was made to pass under the easy yoke of Thy Christ, and became a provincial of the great King, he also for his former name Saul, was pleased to be called Paul, in testimony of so great a victory. For the enemy is more overcome in one, of whom he hath more hold, and by whom he hath hold of more. But the proud he hath more hold of, through their nobility; and by them, of more through their authority. By how much the more welcome then the heart of Victorinus was esteemed, which the devil had held as an impregnable possession; and the tongue of Victorinus, with which mighty and keen weapon he had slain many; by so much the more abundantly ought Thy sons to rejoice, for that 186
1 1 Cor. i. 27, 28. 2 1 Cor. xv. 9.
Encouraged by the example
our King hath bound the strong man,1 and they saw his vessels taken from him and cleansed, and made meet for Thy honor,2 and become serviceable for the Lord, unto every good work?
V. 10. Now when that man of Thine, Simpliciaties, related to me this of Victorinus, I was on fire to imitate him; and for this very end had he related it. But when he had subjoined, also, how in the days of the Emperor Julian, a law was made, whereby Christians were forbidden to teach the liberal sciences or oratory; and how he, obeying this law, chose rather to give over the wordy school than Thy Word, by which Thou makest eloquent the tongues of the dumb," he seemed to me not more resolute than blessed, in having thus found opportunity to wait on Thee only. Which thing I was sighing for, bound as I was, not with another's irons, but by my own iron will. My will the enemy held, and thence had made a chain for me, and bound me. For of a perverse will come? lust; and a lust served becomes custom; and custom not resisted becomes necessity. By which links, as it were, joined together (whence I called it a chain) a hard bondage held me enthralled. But that new will which had begun to be in me, freely to serve Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee, O God, the only assured pleasantness, was not yet able to overcome my former wilfulness strengthened by age. Thus did my two wills, one new, and the other old, one carnal, the other spiritual, struggle within me; and by their discord, undid my soul.
1 Matt. xii. 29. 2 Luke xi. £2, 25. 3 2 Tim. ii. 21. 4 VTifd. x. 21. 1 Gal. v. 17. 2 Rom. vii. 17.
of Victorinus; but still weak. 187
11. Thus I understood, by my own experience, what I had read, how the flesh lusteth against the spirit, and the spirit against the flesh.1 It was myself verily either way; yet more myself, in that which I approved in myself, than in that which in myself I disapproved.* For in this last, it was now for the more part not myself, because in much I rather endured against my will, than acted willingly. And yet it was through me that custom had obtained this power of warring against me, because I had come willingly whither I willed now not to be. And who has any right to speak against it, if just punishment follow the sinner? Nor had I now any longer my former plea, that I therefore as yet hesitated to be above the world and serve Thee, for that the truth was not altogether ascertained to me; for now it was. But I, still under service to the earth, refused to fight under Thy banner, and feared as much to be freed of all incumbrances, as I ought to have feared to be encumbered therewith. Thus with the baggage of this present world was I held down pleasantly, as in sleep: and the thoughts wherein I meditated on Thee, were like the efforts of such as would awake, who yet overcome with a heavy drowsiness, are again drenched therein. And as no one would sleep for ever, and in all men's sober judgment, waking is better, yet a man very often feeling a heavy lethargy in all his limbs defers to shake off sleep, and, though half displeased, yet, even after it is time to rise, with pleasure yields to it, so was I assured, that much 188 some mention of his friends.
better were it for me to give myself up to Thy charity, than to give myself over to mine own cupidity; but though the former course satisfied me and gained the mastery, the latter pleased me and hold me mastered. Nor had I anything to answer Thee calling to me, Awake, thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. And when Thou didst on all sides show me that what Thou saidst was true, I, convicted by the truth, had nothing at all to answer, but only those dull and drowsy words, "Anon, anon," "presently;" "leave me but a little." But "presently, presently," had no present, and my " little while" went on for a long while; in vain I delighted in Thy laio according to the inner man, when another law in my members rebelled against the law of my mind, and led me captive under the law of sin which was in my members? For the law of sin is the violence of custom, whereby the mind is drawn and holden, even against its will; but deservedly, for that it willingly fell into it. Who then should deliver me thus wretched from the body of this death, but Thy grace only, through Jesus Christ our Lordf3
VI. 13. And how Thou didst deliver me out of the bonds of desire, wherewith I was bound most straitly to carnal concupiscence, and out of the drudgery of worldly things, I will now declare, and confess unto Thy name, O Lord, my helper and my redeemer.* Amid increasing anxiety, I was doing my wonted business, and daily sighing unto Thee. I atThe story of Pontitianus. 189
l Eph. v. 14. 2 Rom. vli. 22. 3 Ver. 24, 25. * Fs. xix. 14.
tended Thy Church, whenever free from the business under the burden of which I groaned. Alypius was with me, now after the third sitting released from his law business, and awaiting to whom to sell his counsel, as I sold the skill of speaking, if indeed teaching can impart it. To please us, Nebridius had now consented to teach under Verecundus, a citizen and a grammarian of Milan, and a very intimate friend of us all; who urgently desired, and by the right of friendship challenged from our company, such faithful aid as he greatly needed. Nebridius then was not drawn to this by any desire of advantage (for he might have made much more of his learning had he so willed), but as a most kind and gentle friend, he would not be wanting to a good office, and slight our request. But he acted herein very discreetly, shunning to become known to personages great according to this world, avoiding the distraction of mind thence ensuing, and desiring to have it free and at leisure, as many hours as might be, to seek, or read, or hear something concerning wisdom.
14. One day then, Nebridius being absent (I recollect not why), there came to see me and Alypius, one Pontitianus, our countryman so far as being an African, in high office in the Emperor's court. What he would with us, I know not, but we sat down to converse, and it happened that upon a gaming-table, before us, he observed a book, took, opened it, and, contrary to his expectation, found it the Apostle Paul; for he had thought it some of those books 190 The story of Pontitianus.
which I was wearing myself in teaching. Whereat smiling, and looking at me, he expressed his joy and wonder, that he had on a sudden found this book, and this only before my eyes. For he was a Christian, and baptized, and often bowed himself before Thee our God in the Church, in frequent and continued prayers. When then I had told him that I bestowed very great pains upon those Scriptures, a conversation arose (suggested by his account) on Antony the Egyptian Monk: whose name was in high reputation among Thy servants, though to that hour unknown to us. Which when he discovered, he dwelt more upon that subject, informing, and wondering at our ignorance of one so eminent. But we stood amazed, hearing of Thy wonderful works (most fully attested, in times so recent, and almost in our own time) wrought in the true Faith and Church Catholic. We all wondered; we, that they were so great, and he, that they had not reached us.
15. Thence his discourse turned to the flocks in the Monasteries, and their holy ways, a sweet-smelling savor unto Thee, and the fruitful deserts of the wilderness, whereof we knew nothing. And there was a Monastery at Milan, full of good brethren, without the city walls, under the fostering care of Ambrose, and we knew it not. He went on with his discourse, and we listened in intent silence. He told us then how one afternoon at Triers, when the Emperor was taken up with the Circensian games, he and three others, his companions, went out to walk in gardens near the city walls, and there as they hapThe story of Pontitianus.
pened to walk in pairs, one went apart with him, and the other two wandered by themselves; and these latter, in their wanderings, lighted upon a certain cottage, inhabited by certain of Thy servants, poor in spirit, of whom is the kingdom of heave?!,1 and there they found a little book, containing the life of Antony. This, one of them began to read, admire, and kindle at it; and as he read, to meditate on taking up such a life, and giving over his secular service to serve Thee. And these two were of those whom they style agents for the public affairs. Then suddenly, filled with an holy love, and a sober shame, in anger with himself he cast his eyes upon his friend, saying, "Tell me, I pray thee, what would we attain by all these labors of ours? what aim we at? what server we for? Can our hopes in court rise higher than to be the Emperor's favorites? and in this, what is there not brittle, and full of perils? and by how many perils arrive we at a greater peril? and when arrive we thither? But, if I desire it, I can become now at once a friend of God." So spake he. And in pain with the travail of a new life, he turned his eyes again upon the book, and read on, and was changed inwardly, where Thou lookest, and his mind was stripped of the world, as soon appeared. For as he read, and rolled up and down the waves of his heart, he stormed at himself a while, then discerned, and determined on a better course; and now being Thine, said to his friend, "Now have I broken loose from those our hopes, and am resolved to serve God > 192 Augustine's irresolution.
1 Matt. v. 3.
and from this hour, in this place, I begin upon this. If thou likest not to imitate me, do not oppose me." The other answered, that he would cleave to him, to partake so glorious a reward, so glorious a service. Thus both being now Thine, were building the tower at the necessary cost, the forsaking all that they had and following Thee? Then Pontitianus and the other with him, that had walked in other parts of the garden, came in search of them to the same place; and finding them, reminded them to return, for the day was now far spent. But they relating their resolution and purpose, and how that determination was begun, and settled in them, begged them, if they would not join, not to molest them. Their friends, though nothing altered from their former selves, did yet bewail themselves (as he affirmed), and piously congratulated them, recommending themselves to their prayers; and so, with hearts lingering on the earth, went away to the palace. But the other two, fixing their hearts on heaven, remained in the cottage. And both had affianced brides, who, when they heard hereof, also dedicated their virginity unto God.
VII. 16. Such was the story of Pontitianus; but Thou, O Lord, while he was speaking, didst turn me round towards myself, taking me from behind my back where I had placed me, unwilling to observe myself; and setting me before my face, that I might see how foul I was, how crooked and defiled, bespotted and ulcerous. And I beheld, and stood aghast;
1 Luke 3(iv. 26—35.
His will still divided. 193
and whither to flee from myself I found not. And if I sought to turn mine eye from off myself, he went on with his relation, and Thou again didst set me over against myself, and thrustedst me before my eyes, that I might find out mine iniquity, and hate it} I had known it, but made as though I saw it not, winked at it, and forgot it.
17. But now, the more ardently I loved those whose healthful affections I heard of, that they had resigned themselves wholly to Thee to be cured, the more did I abhor myself, when compared with them. For many of my years (some twelve) had now run out with me since my nineteenth, when, upon the reading of Cicero's Hortensius, I was stirred to an earnest love of wisdom; and still I was deferring to reject mere earthly felicity, and give myself to search out that, whereof not the finding only but the very search, was to be preferred to the treasures and kingdoms of the world, though already found, and to the pleasures of the body, though spread around me at my will. But, I wretched, most wretched, in the very commencement of my early youth, had begged chastity of Thee, and said, "Give me chastity and continency, only not yet." For I feared lest Thou shouldest hear me soon, and soon cure me of the disease of concupiscence, which I wished to have satisfied rather than extinguished. And I had wandered through crooked ways in a sacrilegious superstition, not indeed assured thereof, but as preferring it to 194 His will still divided.
1 Ps. xxxvi. 2.
the truth which I did not seek religiously, but opposed maliciously.
18. And I had heretofore thought, that I therefore deferred from day to day to reject the hopes of this world, and follow Thee only, because there did not appear aught certain, whither to direct my course. And now was the day come wherein I was to be laid bare to myself, and my conscience was to upbraid me. "Where art thou now, my tongue? Thou saidst, that for an uncertain truth thou likedst not to cast off the baggage of vanity; now truth is certain, and yet that burden still oppresseth thee; while they who neither have so worn themselves out with seeking it, nor for ten years and more have been thinking thereon, have had their shoulders lightened, and received wings to fly away." Thus was I gnawed within, and exceedingly confounded with an horrible shame, while Pontitianus was speaking. And he having brought to a close his tale and the business he came for, went his way; and I into myself. What said I not against myself? with what scourges of condemnation lashed I not my soul, that it might follow me, striving to go after Thee! Yet it drew back; refused, but excused not itself. All arguments were spent and confuted; there remained a mute shrinking; and she feared as she would death, to be restrained from the flux of that custom, whereby she was wasting to death.
VIII. 19. Then in this great contention of my inward dwelling, which I had strongly raised against His will still divided. 195
myself in the chamber1 of my heart, troubled in mind and countenance, I turned upon Alypius. "What ails us?" I exclaim: "what is it? what heardest thou? The unlearned start up and take heaven by force2 and we with our learning, and without heart, wallow in flesh and blood! Are we ashamed to follow, because others are gone before, and are not ashamed not even to follow?" Some such words I uttered, and my fever of mind tore me away from him, while he, gazing on me in astonishment, kept silence. For it was not my wonted tone; and my forehead, cheeks, eyes, color, tone of voice, spake my mind more than the words I uttered. A little garden there was to our lodging, which we had the use of, as of the whole house; for the master of the house, our host, was not living there. Thither had the tumult of my breast hurried me, where no man might hinder the hot contention wherein I had engaged with myself, until it should end as Thou knewest, but I knew not. Only I was healthfully distracted and dying, to live; knowing what evil thing I was, and not knowing what good thing I was shortly to become. I retired then into the garden, and Alypius on my steps. For his presence did not lessen my privacy; and how could he forsake me so disturbed? We sate down as far removed as might be from the house. I was troubled in spirit, most vehemently indignant that I entered not into Thy will and covenant, O my God, which all my bones cried out unto me to enter, and praised it to the skies. 196 How is it that the mind
1 Isaiah xxvi. 20: Matt. vi. 6. 2 Matt. vi. 12.
And therein we enter not by ships, or chariots, or feet, no, move not so far as I had come from the house to that place where we were sitting. For, not only to go, but to arrive, was nothing else but to will to go, — but to will resolutely and thoroughly; not to turn and toss this way and that a maimed halfdivided will, struggling, with one part sinking as another rose.
20. Lastly, in the very fever of my irresoluteness, I made with my body many such motions as men sometimes would, but cannot, because they have not the limbs, or are bound with bands, weakened with infirmity, or in some way hindered. Thus, if I tore my hair, beat my forehead, if locking my fingers I clasped my knee, it was done because I willed it. But I might have willed, and not done it, if the power of motion in my limbs had not obeyed. Many things then I did, when "to will" was not in itself "to be able;" but I did not what both I longed incomparably more to do, and what soon after, when I should will, I should be able to do; because soon after, when I should will, I should will thoroughly. For in these spiritual things ability is one with will, and to will is to do; and yet at that time was it not done: and more easily did my body obey the weakest willing of my soul, in moving its limbs at its nod, than the soul obeyed itself to accomplish in the will alone this its momentous will.
IX. 21. Whence is this monstrousness? and to what end? Let Thy mercy gleam that I may ask, if the secret penalties of men, and those darkest
disobeys itself. 197
pangs of the sons of Adam, may perhaps answer me. Whence is this monstrousness? and to what end? The mind commands the body, and it obeys instantly; the mind commands itself, and is resisted. The mind commands the hand to be moved; and such readiness is there, that command is scarce distinct from obedience. Yet the mind is mind, the hand is body. The mind commands the mind, its own self, to will, and yet it doth not. Whence this monstrousness? and to what end? It commands itself, I say, to will, and would not command, unless it willed, and what it commands is not done. But it willeth not entirely: therefore doth it not command entirely. For so far forth it commandeth, as it willeth: and, so far forth is the thing commanded, not done, as it willeth not. For the will commandeth that there be a will; not another, but itself. But it doth not command entirely, therefore what it commandeth, is not. For were the will entire, it would not even command it to be, because it would already be. It is therefore no monstrousness partly to will, partly to nill, but a disease of the mind, that it doth not wholly rise, by truth up-borne, borne down by custom. And therefore are there two wills, for that one of them is not entire: and what the one lacketh, the other hath.
x. 22. Let them perish from Thy presence,1 O God, as vain talkers and seducers2 of the soul, who, because they observe that in deliberating there are two determinations, affirm that there are two mental 198 How is it that the mind
1 Psalm Ixviil. 3. 2 Tit. 1.10.
natures in us of two kinds, one good, the other evil. Themselves are truly evil, when they hold these evil things; and themselves shall become good when they hold the truth and assent unto the truth, that Thy Apostle may say to them, Ye were sometimes darkness, but now light in the Lord} But they, wishing to be light, not in the Lord but in themselves, imagining the nature of the soul to be that which God is, are made more gross darkness through a dreadful arrogancy; going back farther from Thee, the true Light that enlighteneth every man that cometh into the world? Take heed what you say, and blush for shame: draw near unto Him and be enlightened, and your faces shall not be ashamed? Deliberating upon serving the Lord my God now, as I had long purposed, it was I who willed, I who nilled, I, I myself. I neither willed entirely, nor nilled entirely. Therefore was I at strife with myself, and rent asunder by myself. And this rent befel me against my will, and yet indicated not the presence of another mind, but the punishment of my own. Therefore it was no more I that wrought it, but sin that dwelt in me ;* the punishment of a sin more freely committed, in that I was a son of Adam.
23. For if there be so many contrary natures as there be conflicting wills, there shall be not two only, but many. If a man deliberate whether he should go to their conventicle, or to the theatre, these Manichees cry out, Behold, here are two nadisobeys itself. 199
1 F.ph. v. 8. 2 John i. 9. 3 ps. xxxiv. 5. 4 Rom. vll. 17.
,tures: one good, draws this way; another bad, draws back that way. For whence else is this hesitation between conflicting wills? But I say, that both be bad: that which draws to them, as that which draws back to the theatre. But they believe that will to be good, which draws to them. What then if one of us should deliberate, and amid the strife of his two wills be in a strait, whether he should go to the theatre, or to our church? would not these Manichees also be in a strait what to answer? For either they must confess (which they fain would not) that the will which leads to our church is good, or they must suppose two evil natures, and two evil souls conflicting in one man, instead of seeing the truth, that in deliberation, one soul fluctuates between contrary wills.
24. Let them no more say, then, when they perceive two conflicting wills in one man, that the conflict is between two contrary souls, of two contrary substances, from two contrary principles, one good, and the other bad. For Thou, O true God, dost disprove, check, and convict them by facts; as when, both wills being bad, one deliberates, whether he should kill a man by poison, or by the sword; whether he should seize this or that estate of another's, when he cannot both; whether he should purchase pleasure by luxury, or keep his money by covetousness; whether he go to the circus, or the theatre, if both be open on one day; or, thirdly, to rob another's house, if he have the opportunity; or, fourthly, to commit adultery, if at the same time he have the means thereof also. All these, meeting to200 Two opposing wills in one man
gether in the same juncture of time, and all being equally desired, which cannot at one time be acted, do rend the mind amid four, or even (amid the vast variety of things desired) more conflicting wills; but who will say that there are so many divers substances? So also in wills which are good. For I ask them, is it good to take pleasure in reading the Apostle? or good to take pleasure in a sober Psalm? or good to discourse on the Gospel? They will answer to each, "It is good." What then if all give equal pleasure, and all at once? Do not divers wills distract the mind, while he deliberates which he should rather choose? yet are they all good, and are at variance till one be chosen, whither the one entire will may be borne, which before was divided into many. Thus also, when eternity above delights us, and the pleasure of temporal good holds us down below, it is the same soul which willeth neither way with an entire will; and therefore is it rent asunder with grievous perplexities, because its love of truth sets this first, while its habit sets the other one first.
XL 25. Thus soul-sick was I, and tormented, accusing myself much more severely than my wont, rolling and turning me in my chain, till that were wholly broken, whereby I now was but just, but still was, held. And Thou, O Lord, didst press upon me inwardly by a severe mercy, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and, not bursting that slight remaining tie, it should recover strength, and bind me the faster. For I said within myself, "Be it done now, be it done now;" and do not imply two souls. 201
as I spake, I all but performed it; I all but did it, and did it not; yet sunk not back to my former state, but kept my stand hard by, and took breath. And I essayed again, and wanted somewhat less of it, and somewhat less, and all but touched, and laid hold of it; and yet came not to it, nor touched nor laid hold of it; hesitating to die to death and to live to life; and the worse, whereto I was inured, prevailed more with me than the better whereto I was unused; and as the moment approached wherein I was to become other than I was, the greater horror did it strike into me; yet did it not strike me back, nor turned me away, but held me in suspense.
26. The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my ancient mistresses, still held me; they plucked my fleshly garment, and whispered softly, "Dost thou cast us off? and from that moment shall we no more be with thee for ever? and from that moment shall not this or that be lawful for thee for ever?" And what was it which they suggested in that I said, "this or that," O my God? Let Thy mercy turn it away from the soul of Thy servant. What defilements did they suggest! what shame! But now I much less than half heard them, not openly showing themselves and contradicting me, but muttering as it were behind my back, and privily plucking me, as I was departing, but to look back on them. Yet they did retard me, so that I hesitated to burst and shake myself free from them, and to spring over whither I was called; a violent habit saying to me, "Thinkest thou, thou canst live without them?"
202 finds relief in a flood of tears.
27. But now it spake very faintly. For on that side whither I had set my face, and whither I trembled to go, there appeared unto me the chaste dignity of Continency, serene, not dissolutely gay, honestly alluring me to come and doubt not; and stretching forth to receive and embrace me, her holy hands full of multitudes of good examples: there were so many young men and maidens here, a multitude of youth and every age, grave widows and aged virgins; and Continence herself in all, not barren, but a fruitful mother of children of joys, by Thee her Husband, O Lord. And she smiled on me with a persuasive mockery, as if she would say, "Canst not thou do what these youths, what these maidens can? or do they do it of themselves, and not rather by the Lord their God? The Lord their God gave me unto them. Why standest thou in thyself, and so standest not? cast thyself upon Him, fear not, He will not withdraw Himself that thou shouldest fall; cast thyself fearlessly upon Him, He will receive, and will heal thee." And I blushed exceedingly, for that I yet heard the murmuring of those toys, and hung in suspense. And she again seemed to say, " Stop thine ears against those thy unclean members on the earth, that they may be mortified. They tell thee of delights, but not as doth the law of the Lord thy God.''''1 This controversy in my heart was self against self only. But Alypius sitting close by my side, in silence waited the issue of my unwonted emotion.
1 Ps. cxix. 85. Old Ver.
finds relief in a flood of tears. 203
XII. 28. And when a deep consideration had from the secret bottom of my soul drawn together and heaped up all my misery in the sight of my heart, there arose a mighty storm, bringing a mighty shower of tears. Which that I might pour forth wholly, in its natural expressions, I rose from Alypius: solitude seemed to me fitter for the business of weeping; so I retired so far that even his presence could not be a burden to me. Thus was it with me, and he perceived something of it; for I suppose I had spoken something, wherein the tones of my voice appeared choked with weeping, as I had risen up. He remained where we were sitting, most extremely astonished. I cast myself down I know not how, under a certain fig-tree, giving full vent to my tears; and the floods of mine eyes gushed out an acceptable sacrifice to Thee. And, not indeed in these words, yet to this purpose, spake I much unto Thee: and Thou, 0 Lord, how long f how long, Lord, wilt TJwu be angry for ever ?l Remember not our former iniquities,2 for I felt that I was held by them. I sent up these sorrowful words; How long? how long? "to-morrow, and to-morrow?" Why not now? why this hour is there not an end to my unclean n ess?
29. So was I speaking, and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart, when, lo! I heard from a neighboring house a voice, as of boy or girl, I know not, chanting, and oft repeating, "Take up and read; Take up and read." Instantly, my coun
i Psalm vi. 4. 2 Psalm Ixxix. 5, 8.
204 determined at length
tenance altered, I began to think most intently, whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor could I remember ever to have heard the like. So checking the torrent of my tears, I arose; interpreting it to be no other than a command from God to open the book and read the first chapter I should find. For I had heard of Antony, that coming in during the reading of the Gospel, he received the admonition, as if what was being read was spoken to him: Go, sell all that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven, and come and follow me ,A and by such oracle he was forthwith converted unto Thee. — Eagerly then I returned to the place where Alypius was sitting; for there had I laid the volume of the Apostle, when I arose thence. I seized, opened, and in silence read that passage, on which my eyes first fell: JVot in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying: but put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh,2 in concupiscence. No further would I read; nor needed I: for instantly at the end of this sentence, by a light as it were of serenity infused into my heart, all the darkness of doubt vanished away.
30. Then putting my finger between, or some other mark, I shut the volume, and with a calmed countenance made it known to Alypius. And what was wrought in him, which I knew not, he thus showed me. He asked to see what I had read: I by a passage of Holy Scripture. 205
1 Matt. xix. 21. 2 Rorn. xiii. 13,14.
showed him; and he looked even further than I had read, and I knew not what followed. This followed: him that is weak in the faith, receive /' which he applied to himself, and disclosed to me. And by this admonition was he strengthened; and by a good resolution and purpose, and according to his natural character, in which he was far different from me, and far better, without any turbulent delay he joined me. Thence we go in to my mother; we tell her; she rejoices; we relate in order how it took place; she leaps for joy, and triumphs, and blesses Thee, Who art able to do above that which we ask or Mink," for she perceived that Thou hadst given her more for me, than she was wont to beg by her pitiful and most sorrowful groanings. For Thou convertedst me unto Thyself, so that I sought neither wife, nor any hope of this world, standing in that rule of faith, where Thou hadst showed me unto her in a vision, so many years before.8 And Thou didst convert her mourning into joy,* much more plentiful than she had desired, and in a much more precious and purer way than she erst required, when she asked grandchildren of my body.
1 Rom. xiv. 1. 3 Compare Book III. xi.
2 Eph. iii. 20. t Psalm xxx. 11.