CONFESSIONS OF AUGUSTINE,
BISHOP OF HIPPO.
THE FIRST BOOK.
CONFESSION OF THE GREATNESS AND UNSEARCHABLENESS OF GOD — OF GOD'S MERCIES IN INFANCY AND BOYHOOD, AND HUMAN WILFULNESS— OF HIS OWN SINS OF IDLENESS, ABUSE OF HIS STUDIES, AND OF GOD'S GIFTS UP TO HIS FIFTEENTH YEAR.
I. 1. Great art Thou, O Lord, and greatly to be praised; great is Thy power, and Thy wisdom in finite} And Thee man would praise; man, but a particle of Thy creation; man, that bears about him his mortality, the witness of his sin, the witness that Thou, 0 God, resistest the proud:2 yet would man praise Thee; he, but a particle of Thy creation. Thou awakest us to delight in Thy praise; for Thou madest us for Thyself, and our heart is restless, until it repose in Thee. Grant me, Lord, to know and understand which is first, to call on Thee or to praise Thee? and, again, to know Thee or to call on Thee? for who can call on Thee, not knowing Thee? for he The greatness of God.
1 Ps. cxlv. 8; cxlvii. 5. 2 Jaa. iv. 6; 1 Pet. v. 5.
that knoweth Thee not, may call on Thee as other than Thou art. Or, is it rather, that we call on Thee that we may know Thee? but how shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? or how shall they believe without a preacher?1 and they that seek the Lord shall praise Him :2 for they that seek shall find Him,3 and they that find shall praise Him. I will seek Thee, Lord, by calling on Thee; and I will call on Thee, believing in Thee; for to us hast Thou been preached. My faith, Lord, shall call on Thee, which Thou hast given me, wherewith Thou hast inspired me, through the Incarnation of Thy Son, through the ministry of thy preacher.
II. 2. And how shall I call upon my God, my God and Lord, since, when I call for Him, I shall be calling Him into myself? and what room is there within me, whither my God can come into me? whither can God come into me, God who made heaven and earth? is there, indeed, O Lord my God, aught in me that can contain Thee? do then heaven and earth, which Thou hast made, and wherein Thou hast made me, contain Thee? or, because nothing which exists could exist without Thee, doth therefore whatever exists contain Thee? Since, then, I too exist, why do I seek that Thou shouldest enter into me, who were not, wert Thou not in me? Why? because I am not gone down in hell, and yet Thou art there also. For if I go down into hell, Thou art there:* I could not be then, O my God, could not be at all, wert Thou not in me; or, rather, unless I were
f Rom. x. 14. 2 Ps xxil. 26. 3 Matt. vii. 7. * Ps. cxxxix. 7.
Difficulties in conceiving of God. 3
in Thee, of whom are all things, by whom are all things, in whom are all things?1 Even so, Lord, even so. Whither do I call Thee, since I am in Thee? or whence canst Thou enter into me? for whither can I go beyond heaven and earth, that thence my God should come into me, who hath said, I fill the heaven and the earth?
III. 3. Do the heaven and earth, then, contain s Thee, since Thou fillest them? or dost Thou fill them and yet overflow, since they do not contain 'Thee? And whither, when the heaven and the earth are filled, pourest Thou forth the remainder of Thyself? or hast Thou no need that aught contain Thee, who containest all things, since what Thou fillest Thou fillest by containing it? for the vessels which Thou fillest uphold Thee not, since, though they were broken, Thou wert not poured out. And when Thou art poured out5 on us, Thou art not cast down, but Thou upliftest us; Thou art not dissipated, but Thou gatherest us. But Thou who fillest all things, fillest Thou them with Thy whole self? or, since all things cannot contain Thee wholly, do they contain part of Thee? and all at once the same part? or each its own part, the greater more, the smaller less? And is, then, one part of Thee greater, another less? or, art Thou wholly everywhere, while nothing contains Thee wholly?
IV. 4. What art Thou, then, my God? what, but the Lord God? For who is Lord but the Lord? or who is God save our God?1 Most highest, most 4 God's attributes to men contradictory.
1 Rom xi. 36. 2 Jer. xxiii. 24. 3 Acts ii. 18. 4 Ps. xvii. 31.
good, most potent, most omnipotent; most merciful, yet most just; most hidden, yet most present; most beautiful, yet most strong; stable, yet incomprehensible; unchangeable, yet all-changing; never new, never old; all-renewing, and bringing age upon the proud, and they know it not; ever working, ever at rest; still gathering, yet not lacking; supporting, filling, and overspreading; creating, nourishing, and maturing; seeking, yet having all things. Thou lovest, without passion; art jealous, without anxiety; repentest, yet grievest not; art angry, yet serene; changest Thy works, Thy purpose unchanged; receivest again what Thou findest, yet didst never lose; never in need, yet rejoicing in gains; never covetous, yet exacting usury.1 Thou receivest over and above, that Thou mayest owe; and who hath aught that is not Thine? Thou payest debts, owing nothing; remittest debts, losing nothing. And what have I now said, my God, my life, my holy joy? or what saith any man when he speaks of Thee? Yet woe to him that speaketh not, since mute are even the most eloquent.
V. 5. Oh! that I might repose on Thee! Oh! that Thou wouldest enter into my heart, and inebriate it, that I may forget my ills, and embrace Thee, my sole good! What art Thou to me, O Lord? Have mercy on me, that I may tell. Or what am I to Thee, that Thou shouldest command me to love Thee, yea, and be angry with me, and threaten to lay huge miseries upon me, if I love Thee not? Is God's mercies in Infancy.
1 Matt. xxv. 27.
it then a slight woe to love Thee not? Oh! for Thy mercies' sake, tell me, O Lord my God, what Thou art unto me. Say unto my soul, I am thy salvation;1 but say it so that I may hear Thee. Behold, Lord, my heart is before Thee; open Thou the ears thereof, and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. I will run after the sound of Thy voice, and lay hold on Thee. Hide not Thou Thy face from me. Let me die that so I may see it; lest otherwise I may so die as not to see it.
6. The house of my soul is too strait for Thee to come into; but let it, O Lord, be enlarged, that Thou mayest enter in. It is ruinous; repair Thou it. It has that within which must offend Thine eyes; I confess and know it. But who shall cleanse it? or to whom should I cry out, save Thee? Cleanse me from my secret faults, O Lord, and forgive those offences to Thy servant which he has caused in other folks. I believe2 in Thee, and therefore do I speak? O Lord, Thou knowest this. Have I not confessed against myself my transgressions unto Thee, and Thou, my God, hast forgiven the iniquity of my Zieart?1 I contend not in judgment with Thee? who art truth; I fear to deceive myself; lest my sin should make me think that lam not sinful." Therefore I contend not in judgment with Thee ; for if Thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, 0 Lord, who shall abide it ?7
Wilfulness of Infancy.
VI. 7. Yet suffer thou me to speak unto Thy mercy, me, dust and ashes} Yet suffer me to speak, since I speak to Thy mercy, and not to scornful man. Thou too, perhaps, dost laugh at me, yet wilt Thou turn and have compassion'2 upon me. For what would I say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence I came into this dying life (shall I call it?) or living death. Then immediately did the comforts of Thy compassion take me up, as I heard (for I remember it not) from the parents of my flesh, out of whose substance Thou didst sometime fashion me. Then the comforts of woman's milk entertained me. For neither my mother nor my nurses stored their own breasts for me ; but Thou didst bestow the food of my infancy through them, according to Thine ordinance, whereby Thou distributest Thy riches through the hidden springs of all things. Thou also gavest me to desire no more than Thou gavest; and to my nurses willingly to give me what Thou gavest them. For they, with an heaven-taught affection, willingly gave me what they abounded with from Thee. For this my good from them, was good for them. Nor, indeed, from them was it, but through them; for from Thee, O God, are all good things, and from my God is all my health. This I afterwards learned, when Thou, through these Thy benedictions, within mo and without, proclaimedst Thyself unto me. For then I knew but to suck; to repose in what pleased, . and cry at what offended my flesh; nothing more.
8. Afterwards I began to smile; first in sleep, then Wilfulness of Infancy. 8 Weakness of Infancy.
1 Gen. xviii. 27. 2 Jer. xii. 15.
waking; for so it was told me of myself, and I believed it; for we see the like in other infants, though of myself I remember it not. Thus, little by little, I began to find where I was; and to have a wish to express my wishes to those who could content them, and I could not; for the wishes were within me, and those persons without; nor could they by any sense of theirs enter within my soul. So I flung about at random limbs and voice, making the few signs I could, and such as I could, like, though in truth very little like, what I wished. And when I was not presently obeyed (my wishes being hurtful or unintelligible), then I was indignant with my elders for not submitting to me; with those owing me no service, for not serving me; and avenged myself on them by tears. Such have I learnt infants to be from observing them; and, that I was myself such, they, all unconscious, have shown me better than my nurses who knew it.
9. And, lo! my infancy died long since, and I live. But Thou, Lord, who for ever livest, and in whom nothing dies: for before the foundation of the worlds, and before all that can be called "before," Thou art, and art God and Lord of all which Thou hast created: in Thee abide, fixed for ever, the first causes of all things unabiding; and of all things changeable, the springs abide in Thee unchangeable: and in Thee live the eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal. Say, Lord, to me, Thy suppliant; say, allpitying, to me, Thy pitiable one; say, did my infancy succeed another age of mine that died before it?
Was it that which I spent within my mother's womb? for of that I have heard somewhat, and have myself seen women with child. And what, again, was I before that life, O God my joy? Was I anywhere or anybody? For this have I none to tell me, neither father nor mother, nor experience of others, nor mine own memory. Dost Thou laugh at me for asking this and bid me praise Thee and acknowledge Thee, for that which I do know?
10. I acknowledge Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, and praise Thee for my first rudiments of being, and my infancy, whereof I remember nothing; for Thou hast appointed that man should from others guess much as to himself; and believe much on the authority of simple women. Even then I had a being and a life, and (at my infancy's close) I sought for signs, whereby to make myself known to others. Whence could such a being be, save from Thee, Lord? Shall any be his own artificer? or can there elsewhere be derived any vein, which may stream essence and life into us, save from Thee, O Lord, in whom essence and life are not several but one? for supremely to live is the very thing in itself which Thou art. For Thou art supreme, and art not changed,1 neither in Thee doth to-day come to a close; yet in Thee doth it come to a close; because all transitory things also are in Thee. For they had no way to pass away, unless Thou upheldest them. And since Thy years fail not,2 Thy years are one today. How many of ours and our fathers' years have Sinfulness in infants without actual sin. 9
1 Mai. ill. 6. 2 Ps. cii. 27.
flowed away through Thy "to-day," and from it received the measure and the mould of a kind of being; and still others shall flow away, and so receive the mould of their kind of being. But Thou art still the same,1 and all things of to-morrow, and all beyond, and all of yesterday, and all behind it, Thou wilt do in this "to-day," Thou hast done in this "to-day." What is it to me, though any comprehend not this? Let him also rejoice and say, What thing is this? Let him rejoice even thus; and be content rather by not discovering to discover Thee, than by discovering not to discover Thee.
VII. 11. Hear, O God. Alas, for man's sin! So saith man, and Thou pitiest him; for Thou madest him, but sin in him Thou madest not. Who remintleth me of the sins of my infancy ? for in Thy sight none is pure from sin, not even the infant whose life is but a day upon the earth? Who remindeth me? doth not each little infant, in whom I see what of myself I remember not? What then was my sin? was it that I hung upon the breast and cried? for should I now so do for food suitable to my age, justly should I be laughed at and reproved. What I then did was in itself worthy reproof; but since I could not understand reproof, custom and reason forbade me to be reproved. For such things, when we are grown, we root out and cast away. Now, no man, though he prunes, wittingly casts away what is good.4 Or was it then good, even for a while, to cry for what, if given, would hurt? bitterly to resent, that persons
1 Ps. oii. 27. 2 Exod. xvi. 15. 3 Job xxv. 4. 4 John xv. 2.
10 infants malice and God's goodness.
free-born, and its own elders, yea, the very authors of its birth, served it not? that many besides, wiser than it, obeyed not the nod of its good pleasure? to do its best to strike and hurt, because commands were not obeyed, which had been obeyed to its hurt? The weakness then of infant limbs, not * its will, is its innocence. Myself have seen and * known even a baby envious; it could not speak, yet> it turned pale and looked bitterly on its fosterbrother. Who knows not this? Mothers and nurses tell you, that they allay these things by I know not what remedies. Is that too innocence, when the fountain of milk is flowing in rich abundance, not to endure one to share it though in extremest need, and whose very life as yet depends thereon? We bear gently with all this, not as being no or slight evils, but because they will disappear as years increase; for, though tolerated now, the very same tempers are utterly intolerable when found in riper years.
12. Thou, then, O Lord my God, who gavest life to this my infancy, furnishing thus with senses (as we see) the frame Thou gavest, compacting its limbs, beautifying its proportions, and, for its general good and safety, implanting in it all vital functions, Thou commandest me to praise Thee in these things, to confess unto Thee, and sing unto Thy name, Thou most High} For Thou art God, Almighty and Good, even hadst Thou done nought but only this, which none could do but Thou: whose Unity is the mould of all things; who out of Thy own beauty Learning to speak. 11
1 Ps. xcii. 1.
makest all things fair; and orderest all things by Thy law. This age then, Lord, whereof I have no remembrance, which I take on others' word, and guess from other infants that I have passed, true though the guess be, I am yet loath to count in this life of mine which I live in this world. For no less than that which I spent in my mother's womb, is it hid from me in the shadows of forgetfulness. But if I was shapen in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me,1 where, I beseech Thee, O my God, where, Lord, or when, was I Thy servant guiltless? But, lo! that period I pass by; for what have I now to do with that, of which I can recall no vestige?
VIII. 13. From the state of infancy, I came to boyhood, or rather it came to me, displacing infancy. Nor did that depart — (for whither went it ?) — and yet it was no more. For I was no longer a speechless infant, but a speaking boy. This I remember; and have since observed how I learned to speak. It was not that my elders taught me words (as, soon after, other learning) in any set method; but I, longing by cries and broken accents and various motions of my limbs to express my thoughts, that so I might have my will, and yet unable to express all I willed, or to whom I willed, did myself, by the understanding which Thou, my God, gavest me, practise the sounds in my memory. When they named anything, and as they spoke turned towards it, I saw and remembered that they called what they would point out, by the name they uttered. And that they
1 T«. li. 7.
L,K>rtii-y ol U»
'union THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY
12 Childish griefs great to children.
meant this thing and no other, was plain from the motion of their body, the natural language, as it were, of all nations, expressed by the countenance, glances of the eye, gestures of the limbs, and tones of the voice, indicating the affections of the mind, as it pursues, possesses, rejects, or shuns. And thus by constantly hearing words, as they occurred in various sentences, I collected gradually for what they stood; and having broken in my mouth to these signs, I thereby gave utterance to my will. Thus I exchanged with those about me these current signs of our wills, and so launched deeper into the stormy intercourse of human life, yet depending on parental authority and the beck of elders.
IX. 14. O God, my God, what miseries and mockeries did I now experience, when obedience to my teachers was proposed to me, as proper in a boy, in order that in this world I might prosper, and excel in tongue-science, which should serve to the "praise of men," and to deceitful riches. Next I was put to school to get learning, in which I (poor wretch) knew not what use there was; and yet, if idle in learning, I was beaten. For this was judged right by our forefathers; and many, passing the same course before us, framed for us weary paths, through which we were fain to pass; multiplying toil and grief upon the sons of Adam. But, O Lord, we found that men called upon Thee, and we learnt from them to think of Thee (according to our powers) as of some great One, who, though hidden from our senses, could hear and help us. So I began, yet a boy, to Inconsistency toward children. 13
pray to Thee for aid and refuge; and I broke the fetters of my tongue to call on Thee, praying, though small, yet with no small earnestness, that I might not be beaten at school. And when Thou heardest me not (not thereby giving me over to folly),1 my elders, yea, my very parents, who yet wished me no ill, laughed at my stripes, my then great and grievous misery.
15. Is there, Lord, any of soul so great, and cleaving to Thee with so intense affection (for a sort of stupidity will in a way do it); but is there any one who, from cleaving devoutly to Thee, is endued with so great a spirit, that he can think as lightly of the racks and hooks and other torments (against which, throughout all lands, men call on Thee with extreme dread), and make sport at those by whom they are feared most bitterly, as our parents laughed at the torments which we suffered in boyhood from our masters? For we feared not those torments less than the martyrs theirs, nor prayed we less to escape them. And yet we sinned, in writing, or reading, or studying less than was exacted of us. For we wanted not, O Lord, memory or capacity, whereof Thy will gave enough for our age; but our sole delight was play; and for this we were punished by those who yet themselves were doing the like. But elder folks' idleness is called "business;" that of boys, although really the same, is punished by those elders; and none commiserate either boys or men. For will any of sound dis- discretion approve of my being beaten as a boy, be14 Inconsistency toward children.
1 Vs. xxi. 3.—Vulg. 1 Ordinator.
cause, by playing at ball, I made less progress in studies which I was to learn, only that, as a man, I might play more dangerously? for how else was it with him who beat me? if worsted in some trifling discussion with his fellow-tutor, he was more embittered and jealous than I, when beaten at ball by a play-fellow?
X. 16. And yet, I sinned herein, O Lord God, the Creater and Orderer of all things in nature, of sin the Orderer1 only, O Lord my God, I sinned in transgressing the commands of my parents and those of my masters. For what they, with whatever motive would have me learn, I might afterward have put to good use; and I disobeyed, not from a better choice, but from love of play, loving the pride of victory in my contests, and to have my ears tickled with lying fables, that they might itch the more; the same curiosity flashing from my eyes more and more, for the shows and games of my elders. Yet those who give these shows are in such esteem, that almost all wish the same for their children, and yet are very willing that they should be beaten, if those very games detain them from the studies, whereby they would have them attain to be the givers of them. Look with pity, Lord, on these things, and deliver us who call upon Thee now; deliver those too who call not on Thee yet, that they may call on Thee, and Thou mayest deliver them.
XI. 17. As a boy, then, I had already heard of an eternal life, promised us through the humility of the Baptism wrongly deferred. 15
Lord our God stooping to our pride; and even from the womb of my mother, who greatly hoped in Thee, I was sealed with the mark of His cross and salted with His salt.1 Thou sawest, Lord, how while yet a boy, being seized on a time with sudden oppression of the stomach, and like near to death — Thou sawest, my God (for Thou wert my keeper), with what eagerness and what faith I sought, from the pious care of my mother and Thy Church, the mother of us all, the baptism of Thy Christ my God and Lord. Whereupon the mother of my flesh, being much troubled (since, with a heart pure in Thy faith, she even more lovingly travailed in birth2 of my salvation), would in eager haste have provided for my consecration and cleansing by the health-giving sacraments, confessing Thee, Lord Jesus, for the remission of sins, unless I had suddenly recovered. And so, as if I must needs be again polluted should I live, my cleansing was deferred, because the defilements of sin would, after that washing, bring greater and more perilous guilt. I then already believed: and my mother, and the whole household, except my father: yet did not he prevail over the power of my mother's piety in me, that as he did not yet believe, so neither should J. For it was her earnest care, that Thou my God, rather than be, shouldst be my father; and in this Thou didst aid her to prevail over her husband, whom she, although she was the better 16 Augustine compelled to learn.
1 Salt was at this time administered at baptism as emblematic, and with allusion to Mark 9: 49. But the baptism was delayed. — Ed.
2 Gal. iv. 19.
of the two, obeyed, because this was obeying Thee, who hast so commanded.
18. I beseech Thee, my God, I would fain know, if so Thou wiliest, for what purpose my baptism was t then deferred? Was it for my good that the rein was laid loose, as it were, upon me, for me to sin? or was it not laid loose? If not, why does it still echo in our ears on all sides, "Let him alone, let him do as he will, for he is not yet baptized ?" but as to bodily health, no one says, "Let him be worse wounded, H for he is not yet healed." How much better, then, \1 had I been at once healed; and then, by my friends' diligence and my own, my soul's recovered health had been kept safe in Thy keeping who gavest it. Better truly. But how many and great waves of temptation seemed to hang over me after my boy'-' hood! These my mother foresaw; and preferred to expose to them the clay whence I might afterwards be moulded, than the very cast, when made.
XII. 19. In boyhood itself, however (so much less dreaded for me than youth), I loved not study, and hated to be forced to it. Yet I was forced; and this was well done towards me, but I did not well; for, unless forced, I had not learnt. But no one doth well against his will, even though what he doth, be well. Yet neither did they well who forced me, but what was well came to me from Thee, my God. For they were regardless how I should employ what they forced me to learn, except to satiate the insatiate desires of a wealthy beggary, and a shameful glory. But Thou, by whom the very hairs of our head are Augustine compelled to learn. 17
numbered,1 didst use for my good the error of all who urged me to learn; and my own, who would not learn, Thou didst use for my punishment — a fit penalty for one, so small a boy and so great a sinner. So by those who did not well, Thou didst well for me; and by my own sin Thou didst justly punish me. For Thou hast commanded, and so it is, that every inordinate affection should be its own punishment.
XIII. 20. But why did I so much hate the Greek, which I studied as a boy? I do not yet fully know. For the Latin I loved; not what my first masters, but what the so-called grammarians taught me. For those first lessons, reading, writing, and arithmetic, I thought as great a burden and penalty as any Greek. And yet whence was this too, but from the sin and vanity of this life, because Iwas flesh, and a breath that passeth away and cometh not again ?2 For those first lessons were better certainly, because more certain; by them I obtained, and still retain, the power of reading what I find written, and myself writing what I will; whereas in the others, I was forced to learn and lay up the wanderings of I know not what ^Eneas, while I forgot my own, and to weep for Dido dead, because she killed herself for love; the while, with dry eyes, I endured my miserable self to depart, and die from Thee, O my God and my life.
21. For what more miserable than a miserable being who pities not himself; but weeps the death of Dido for love to Aeneas, instead of weeping his own ] 8 Poetry a vanity to the unregenerate.
1 Matt. x. 30. 2 Ps. Ixxviii. 39.
death for want of love to Thee, O God. Thou light of my heart, Thou bread of my inmost soul, Thou Power who givest vigor to my mind, who quicken- est my thoughts, I loved Thee not. I committed fornication against Thee, and all around me also fornicating echoed "Well done! well done!" for the friendship of this world is fornication against Thee ;l and "Well done! well done !" echoes on till one is ashamed not to be thus a man. And all this I wept not, I who wept for Dido slain and " seeking by the sword a stroke and wound extreme," myself seeking the while a worse extreme, the extremest and lowest of Thy creatures, having forsaken Thee, earth passing into the earth. And if forbid to read all this, I was grieved that I might not read what grieved me. Madness like this is thought a higher and a richer learning, than that by which I learned to read and write.
22. But now, my God, cry Thou aloud in my soul, and let Thy truth tell me, " Not so, not so. Far better was that first study." For, lo, I would readily forget the wanderings of .^Eneas and all the rest, rather than how to read and write. But over the entrance of the Grammar School is a veil drawn. True. Yet is this not so much an emblem of aught recondite, as a cloak of error. Let not those, whom I no longer fear, cry out against me, while I confess to Thee, my God, whatever my soul will, and acquiesce in the condemnation of my evil ways, that I may love thy good ways. Let not either buyers or Irksomeuess of learning. 19
1 Jam. iv. 4.
sellers of grammar-learning cry out against me. For if I question them whether it be true, that iEneas came on a time to Carthage, as the Poet tells, the less learned will reply that they know not, the more learned that he never did. But should I ask with what letters the name "iEneas" is written, every one who has learnt this will answer me aright, as to the signs which men have conventionally settled. If, again, I should ask, which might be forgotten with least detriment to the concerns of life, reading and writing or these poetic fictions? who does not foresee, what all must answer who have not wholly forgotten themselves? I sinned, then, when as a boy I preferred those empty to those more profitable studies, or rather loved the one and hated the other. "One and one, two ;" "two and two, four;" this was to me a hateful sing-song: "the wooden horse lined with armed men" and "the burning of Troy,"' and "Creusa's shade and sad similitude," were the choice spectacle of my vanity.
XIV. 23. Why then did I hate the Greek classics, which have the like tales? For Homer also curiously wove the like fictions, and is most sweetly-vain, yet was he bitter to my boyish taste. And so I sup- / pose would Virgil be to Grecian children, when / forced to learn him as I was Homer. Difficulty, in truth, the difficulty of a foreign tongue, dashed, as it were, with gall all the sweetness of Grecian fable. For not one word of it did I understand, and to make me understand I was urged vehemently with
I -En. 2.
20 Eoils in classical study
cruel threats and punishments. Time was also (as an infant), I knew no Latin; but this I learned without fear or suffering, by mere observation, amid the caresses of my nursery and jests of friends, smiling and sportively encouraging me. This I learned without any pressure of punishment to urge me on, for my heart urged me to give birth to its conceptions, which I could only do by learning words; but it was not of teachers, but of those who talked with me; in whose ears also I gave birth to the thoughts which I conceived. Hereby it appears that free curiosity has more force in our learning of tongues than frightful enforcement. Only this enforcement restrains the rovings of that freedom, through Thy laws, O my God, which begin with the master's ferule, and go on to the martyr's torments, tempering for us a wholesome bitter, recalling us to Thyself from that deadly pleasure which lures us from Thee. XV. 24. Hear, Lord, my prayer; let not my soul faint under Thy discipline, nor let me faint in confessing unto Thee all Thy mercies, whereby Thou hast drawn me out of all my most evil ways, that Thou mightest become a delight to me above all the allurements which I once pursued; that I may most entirely love Thee, and clasp Thy hand with all the roots of my heart, and Thou mayest yet rescue me from every temptation, even unto the end. For, lo, O Lord, my King and my God, for Thy service be whatever useful thing my childhood learned; for Thy service, that I speak—write—read — reckon. For Thou didst grant me Thy discipline, while I was learning degrading God and man. 21
vanities; and my sin of delighting in those vanities Thou hast forgiven. In them, indeed, I learnt many a useful word, but these may as well be learned in things not vain; and that is the safe path for the steps of youth.
XVI. 25. But woe is thee, thou torrent of human custom? Who shall stand against thee? How long shalt thou not be dried up? How long shall the sons of Eve roll and toss in that huge and hideous sea, which even they scarcely overpass who are shipped in the cross? Did not I read in thee of Jove the thunderer and the adulterer? both, doubtless, he could not be; but so the feigned thunderer might countenance and pander the real adulterer. And now, which of our gowned masters would hear one' who from their own school cries out," These were Homer's fictions, transferring things human to the gods ; would he had brought down things divine to us!" Yet more truly had he said, "These are indeed his fictions; attributing a divine nature to wicked men, that crimes might be no longer crimes, and whoso commits them might seem to imitate not abandoned men, but the celestial gods."
26. And yet, thou hellish torrent, into thee are cast the sons of men with promise of rich reward, for compassing such learning; and a great solemnity is made of it, when this is going on in the forum, within sight of laws appointing a salary beside the scholar's payments; and thou lashest thy rocks and roarest, "Hence words are learnt; hence eloquence; most 22 Evils in classical study.
1 Cicero ob Tuse. Quest, I. 26. — Ed.
necessary to gain your ends, or maintain opinions." As if we should have never known such words as "golden shower," " lap," "beguile," " temples of the heavens," or others in that passage, unless Terence had brought a lewd youth upon the stage, setting up Jupiter as his example of seduction:
Viewing a picture, where the tale was drawn,
Of Jove's descending in a golden shower
ToDanae's lap, a woman to beguile.
And then mark how he excites himself to lust as by celestial authority:
And what God? Great Jove,
Who shakes heaven's highest temples with his thunder:
And I, poor mortal man, not do the same?
I did it, and with all my heart I did it. 1
Not one whit more easily are the words learnt for all this vileness; but by their means the vileness is committed with less shame. Not that I blame the words, being, as it were, choice and precious vessels; but that wine of error which is drunk to us in them by intoxicated teachers; and if we, too, drink not, we are beaten, and have no sober judge to whom we may appeal. Yet, O my God (in whose presence I now without hurt may remember this), all this unhappy I learnt willingly with great delight, and for this was pronounced a hopeful boy.
XVII. 27. Bear with me, my God, while I say somewhat of my wit, Thy gift, and on what dotages I wasted it. For a task was set me, troublesome enough to my soul, upon terms of praise or shame, Human knowledge preferred to dioine. 23
1 Terentii Xumuhus, 3, 5, 36 sq. — Ed.
and fear of stripes, to speak the words of Jund, as she raged and mourned that she could not
This Trojan prince from Lutium turn.
Which words I had heard that Juno never uttered; but we were forced to go astray in the footsteps of these poetic fictions, and to say in prose what the poet had expressed in verse. And his speaking was most applauded, in whom the passions of rage and grief were most preeminent, and clothed in the most fitting language, maintaining the dignity of the character. What is it to me, O my true life, my God, that my declamation was applauded above so many of my own age and class? Was not all this smoke and wind? And was there nothing else whereon to exercise my wit and tongue? Thy praises, Lord, Thy praises might have stayed the yet tender shoot of my heart by the prop of Thy Scriptures; so had it not trailed away amid these empty trifles, a defiled prey for the spirits of the air. For in more ways than one do men sacrifice to the rebellious angels.
XVIII. 28. But what marvel that I was thus carried away to vanities, and estranged from Thee, O my God, when men were set before me as models, who, if in relating some action of theirs, in itself not ill, they committed some barbarism or solecism, were abashed; but when in rich and adorned and well-ordered discourse they related their own disordered life they gloried? These things Thou seest, Lord, and holdest Thy peace; long-suffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth} Wilt Thou hold Thy peace for24 Human knowledge preferred to divine.
1 Ps.lxxxvi. 15.
ever? Even now Thou drawest out of this horrible gulf the soul that seeketh Thee, that thirsteth for Thy pleasures, whose heart saith unto Thee I have sou(/ht Thy face; Thy face, Lord, will I seek} For darkened^ affection is removal from Thee. For it is not by our feet, or change of place, that we leave Thee, or return unto Thee. Nor did that younger son of Thine3 look out for horses or chariots, or ships, and fly with visible wings, or journey by the motion of his limbs, that he might in a far country waste in riotous living all Thou gavest at his departure. A loving Father Thou wert when Thou gavest, but more loving unto him wert Thou when he returned empty. Therefore in unclean, that is, in darkened affections, is the true distance from Thy face.
29. Behold, O Lord God, yea, behold patiently as thou art wont, how carefully the sons of men observe the covenanted rules of letters and syllables that those who spake before them used, neglecting the eternal covenant of everlasting salvation received from Thee. Inasmuch, that a teacher or learner of the hereditary laws of pronunciation will more offend men, by speaking without the aspirate, of a "uman being," in despite of the laws of grammar, than if he, a "human being," hate a "human being" in despite of Thee. As if an enemy could be more hurtful than the hatred with which he is incensed against another; or could wound more deeply him whom he persecutes, than he wounds his own Inconsistent waywardness of his childhood. 25
1 Ps. xxvii. 8. 2 Rom. i. 21. 3 Luke xv. 12 sq.
soul by his enmity. Assuredly no science of letters can be so innate as the record of conscience, "that he is doing to another what from another he would be loath to suffer." How deep are Thy ways, O God, Thou only great that sittest silent on high1 and by an unwearied law dispensing penal blindness to lawless desires. In quest of the fame of eloquence, a man standing before a human judge, surrounded by a human throng, declaiming against his enemy with fiercest hatred, will take heed most watchfully, lest, by an error of the tongue, he murder the word "human being;" but takes no heed, lest, through the malice of his heart, he murder the real human being. 30. This was the world at whose gate I lay while yet a boy; this the stage, when I had feared more to commit a barbarism, than having committed one, to envy those who had not. These things I speak and confess to Thee, my God; for which I had praise from them, whom I then thought it all virtue to please. For I saw not the abyss of vileness, wherein I was cast away from thine eyes? Before Thine eyes what was more foul than I, displeasing even to such as myself? with innumerable lies deceiving my tutor, my masters, my parents, out of love of play, eagerness to see vain shows and restlessness to imitate them! Thefts also I committed, from my parents' cellar and table, enslaved by greediness, or that I might have to give to boys, who sold me their games, which all the while they liked no less than I. In play, too, I often sought unfair conquests, being 2G All admirable in him, but his sin.
1 Is. xxxiii 5. 2 Ps. xxxi. 22.
conquered myself by vain desire of preeminence. And what could I so impatiently endure, or, when I detected it, upbraid ed fiercely, as that which I was doing to others; and yet when I was detected and upbraided, I chose rather to quarrel than to yield. And is this the innocence prone to boyhood? Not so, Lord, not so; I cry thy mercy, O my God. For these very sins, as riper years succeed, these very sins are transferred from tutors and masters, from nuts and balls and sparrows, to magistrates and kings, to gold and manors and slaves, just as severer punishments displace the ferule. It was the low stature then of childhood, which Thou our King, didst commend as an emblem of lowliness, when Thou saidst, Of such is the kingdom of heaven}
31. Yet, Lord, to Thee, the Creator and Governor of the universe, most excellent and most good, thanks were due to Thee our God, even hadst Thou destined for me boyhood only. For even then I was, I lived, and felt; and had an implanted providence over my own individual welfare,2 which is a kind of miniature of that mysterious Unity of Thine, whence I am derived. By an inward instinct, I preserved the integrity of my senses, and in these minute pursuits, and in my thoughts on things minute, I learnt to delight in truth. I hated to be deceived; I had a vigorous memory, was gifted with speech, was regaled by friendship, avoided pain of body, baseness of mind, ignorance. In so small a creature, what was not wonderful, admirable? But all were gifts of my All admirable in him, but his sin. 27
1 Matt. xix. u. 2 Meamque incolumitatcm .... cum' habebam.
God; it was not I, who gave them me; and good these are, and these together are myself. Good, then, is He that made me, and He is my good; and before Him will I exult for every good which as a boy I had. But herein I sin, that not in Him, but in His creatures — myself and others — I sought for pleasures, sublimities, truths, and so fell headlong into sorrows, confusions, errors. Thanks be to Thee, my joy and my glory and my confidence, my God, thanks be to Thee for Thy gifts; but do Thou preserve them to me. For so wilt Thou preserve me, and those things shall be enlarged and perfected, which thou hast given me, and I myself shall be with Thee, since Thou hast given me my being.