Crucifixion

Here is a letter written to a local advice column along with the response:

Dear Eutychus:
Our preacher said, on Easter, that Jesus just swooned on the cross and that the disciples nursed Him back to health. What do you think?
Sincerely, Bewildered

Dear Bewildered:
Beat your preacher with a cat-of-nine-tails with 39 heavy strokes, nail him to a cross; hang him in the sun for 6 hours; run a spear through his heart; embalm him; put him in an airless tomb for 36 hours and see what happens.
Sincerely, Eutychus