10 Bible-Tested Tips to Resolve Your Next Conflict
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1. Understand the battle.
Make sure you understand the real source of the conflict. Many times we address symptoms, but we really aren’t even addressing with the real issue. That wastes time, frustrates people, and makes the conflict linger longer. It’s usually a heart issue that is controlling everything being said (Proverbs 4:23). Discovering that is key. Make sure you ask lots of questions and attempt to clarify the root issue of the conflict. (This is where third party help is often needed.)
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2. Find the right time and place.
When emotions are high is not good timing for dealing with conflict. Personal conflict should not be handled in public. Don’t be afraid to schedule a time to address the conflict.
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3. Examine yourself first.
Sometimes the issue is personal to you, and you are only blaming others for your problem. That’s not fair, nor does it provide a healthy resolution to conflict. Look carefully at the “plank” in your own eye.
Matthew 7:3–5: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
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4. Consider the other side of the conflict.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider their viewpoint. Why would they think the way they think? Is it a difference in personal values or a misunderstanding? What if I were in their situation—how would I respond?
Philippians 2 says: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very naturea God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very natureb of a servant, being made in human likeness.
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5. Do not overreact to the issue or overload on emotion.
Stick to the issue at hand. When emotions are exaggerated it disarms the other party and a healthy resolution is harder to attain. Control yourself from extremity or absolutes. Avoid phrases like “You always…”
Proverbs 25:28: Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.
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6. Do not dance around or sugarcoat the issue or disguise it in false kindness.
Sometimes we fail to address the conflict because we are afraid of how the other person may respond or we are afraid of hurting feelings. The avoidance usually will cause more conflict eventually. Be kind, but make sure you are clear, direct, and helpful.
Proverbs 27:5-6: Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
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7. Do not allow the small disagreements to become big disagreements.
The way to keep most huge conflict (the kind that destroys relationships) from occurring is by confronting the small conflict along the way. Minor conflict is always easier to handle than major conflict.
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8. Be firm, but gentle.
Learn the balance between the two. It’s critical in dealing with conflict. (Consider Jesus’ approach in John 4.)
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9. Work towards a solution.
Never waste conflict. Use it to make the organization and/or the relationship better. Everyone wants a win-win situation, and sometimes that’s possible. Getting to the right decision should always be the ultimate goal.
Consider Proverbs 21:3: A person may think their own ways are right, but the LORD weighs the heart. To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice. Haughty eyes and a proud heart — the unplowed field of the wicked—produce sin.
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10. Grant forgiveness easily.
Healthy conflict makes relationships stronger, but to get there we must not hold a grudge or seek revenge. That never moves conflict forward towards resolution. Learn the art of grace and forgiveness. It’s a keeper of healthy relationships (Ephesians 4:32).
Conflict is a part of relationships. All relationships. As leaders, we shouldn’t shy away from conflict. We should learn it’s value and how to navigate conflict for the overall good of the team.
What would you add?
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Ron Edmondson pastors Immanuel Baptist Church. Find out more at: http://www.ronedmondson.com/about