7 Biblical Tips for Dealing with Toxic Family Members during the Holidays
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Holidays often evoke conflicting emotions that challenge my ability to remain joyfully present and connected with Christ. My inner angst, exacerbated by painful memories and fractured relationships, intensifies this time of year. Although I enjoyed this past Thanksgiving, I’ve endured holidays in which my external chaos caused me to act in ways I regret.
I want to love others well and to reflect Jesus in my words and actions in all I say and do. But some gatherings made reflecting my Savior particularly difficult.
Years ago, my family and I hosted Christmas and invited my family of origin, knowing this would feel hard. At the time, I hadn’t yet learned to honor my emotions or set healthy boundaries. When the conflict I feared became reality, anxiety quickly led to overwhelm. Needing space, I slipped out for a walk and called a friend. Her wisdom brought comfort and helped me remain grounded in a triggering situation.
Perhaps you’ll find these steps beneficial as well.
1. Prayerfully Evaluate the Situation Beforehand
In regard to the celebration mentioned previously, I expected the weekend to feel uncomfortable but, unfortunately, I didn’t consider ways to protect and tend to my fragile heart. Now, I’m learning how to apply Proverbs 4:23, which states “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” The NASB phrases this as, “Watch over your heart with all diligence …”
Above all else. Above people pleasing and the guilt that says we should feel stronger or unaffected. Above our confusion of how to love challenging people well.
For some, this might mean declining invitations. Others might need to limit their time with certain individuals whose behavior feels unsafe or destabilizing. Ask God what He wants to say about the upcoming situation and those you’ll encounter. He understands why you struggle, knows your journey from beginning to end, and will faithfully lead you to the holiest and healthiest approach.
2. Preplan Self-Care
While, thankfully, my holidays feel calmer, I still enter the season cautious and a bit bruised. Knowing this, I plan ways to reset when necessary. Bringing our adorably hilarious dog helps — she brings joy into tense moments and provides an excuse to get away by myself. When I need a moment alone, I simply take her, along with my phone’s radio app, for a relaxing walk to connect with Christ and remind myself of His presence.
Those brief encounters with the Lord comfort and settle my soul. I also place helpful truths where I’ll readily see them: a “Breakthough” sticker on the back of my phone to remind me of encouragement I received from God, Scripture on notecards tucked in my pocket for easy reference when I need to remember who I am in Christ and to Christ.
Ask the Lord how you can take time to protect and strengthen your heart during this often-challenging season and respond to His guidance with trustful obedience.
3. Reflect on Truth
Often, when dealing with toxic family members, the deepest pain comes from the lies their behavior triggers. Poor treatment from others can exacerbate the insecurities that say:
“You’re insufficient.”
“You’re too much.”
“You’re alone.”
“You’re an outcast.”
But Scripture expels those lies. In Christ, God declares us righteous, loved, empowered, chosen, protected, and adored. (If you would like support in anchoring your soul in your true identity, check out my latest YouVersion Bible reading plan titled, “Embracing Your True Self: Living in Your Christ Centered Identity”.)
Before potentially difficult gatherings, I keep verses written on notecards in my pocket. When triggered, I can visit the bathroom to read and pray and reflect on the truths I most need in that instance. (That’s another reason it’s helpful to seek God’s perspective before the encounter; He can suggest Scripture that is most apt to soothe our deepest wounds and strengthen our souls.)
Here are some unchanging truths you might find helpful:
When you feel rejected or excluded – God declares you chosen. (Isaiah 43:1, Ephesians 1:4, 1 Peter 2:9, John 15:16)
When you feel unseen – God sees you, your hurts, your gifts, your potential and your glorious future. (Psalm 139:1-2, 2 Chronicles 16:9, Psalm 56:8)
When you feel weak, fragile and defenseless – God promises to strengthen your soul. (Isaiah 41:10, Psalm. 55:22, Philippians 4:13, Psalm 16:8)
When you need to feel safe and protected – God invites you to seek shelter in Him. (Psalm 34:7, Psalm 27:1, Isaiah 40:29-31, 2 Corinthians 12:9).
When you feel unloved and unlovable – Scripture says the Lord loves you with an unconditional, inexhaustible and incomprehensible, all-consuming love. (Romans 5:8, Psalm 103:8, Psalm 103:13, 1 John 3:1)
4. Refuse to Own Other People’s Behavior
Knowing what is and isn’t your fault can feel challenging, especially to those who have experienced trauma growing up. This stems from verbal or unspoken messages that made you feel responsible for their emotions and actions. For example, perhaps your mother frequently responded to you with frustration, making you feel as if you were burdensome or annoying. Or maybe your father used his moodiness to guilt you into tending to his needs. Or maybe your caregivers responded to your normal childish actions with exasperation.
Such experiences can train codependency, which can cause you to feel responsible for other people’s well-being. Granted, these lessons can take years of therapy to unlearn. That said, entering the holiday season alert to these self-sabotaging tendencies can help insulate your heart from further wounding.
But other people’s hurtful behavior reflects their wounding and emotional immaturity, not your worth. Perhaps the individual doesn’t know how to self-regulate, tolerate different ideas or opinions, or carries unprocessed pain that results in frequent triggers. Regardless, you are a child of grace, transformed and in the process of transformation.
5. Keep Things in Perspective
In therapy, counselors often say, “That was then, this is now.” This statement can help you recognize how prior wounds, and the lies they often create, impact your perspective and reactions. For example, while your father or grandmother might act hurtful this holiday season, those experiences can feel intensified by unresolved pain. If you feel small and threatened, unprocessed wounds from the past may impact your reaction. Recognizing this can help you gain the emotional distance that can decrease your sense of threat. (Prayerfully journaling can help you recognize what’s underneath your anger, anxiety, or sorrow.)
Also remember, the holiday and its events will pass. Perhaps you feel forced to interact with certain toxic family members this season. But once the meal, celebration or visit ends, you can choose who you want to spend time with and for how long.
If you find it difficult and confusing to set relational boundaries, consider seeking help from a therapist, Spirit-led mentor, or friend. But hold tight to this truth: God wants you to experience fulfilling connections with safe and supportive people. He also longs for you to live a life increasingly characterized by joy, peace, and freedom. He will teach you how and will lovingly lead you to the thriving life Christ promised in John 10:10 as you draw closer to Him, listen for His guidance and follow however He leads.
This is the invitation Jesus presents in Matthew 11:28-29, when He said:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Come. Learn. Find rest in Christ.
6. Prioritize the Gospel
Admittedly, this can feel nearly impossible when we’re around someone who dominates, criticizes, verbally attacks, or manipulates us. But remaining “on mission” doesn’t mean accepting abuse. It means ensuring that we do whatever is necessary to tend to our souls so that our circumstances don’t cause us to behave in ways that contradict our core values.
By the power of the Holy Spirit within, we can demonstrate the characteristics listed in 1 Corinthians 13, whether we do so from up close or while maintaining an emotionally and/or physically safe distance from toxic people.
Notice how Scripture defines love in verses 4-8:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
These verbs tell us how to behave, not necessarily how to feel. We can act loving even when we feel emotionally conflicted. May we not ignore, suppress, or view our feelings as sin but rather as important information that allows us to make wise decisions, even in unhealthy circumstances.
Consider Paul’s words in Philippians 1:9-10:
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ” (emphasis added).
I’m encouraged to know that God doesn’t expect us to blindly position ourselves to get hurt. Instead, He invites us to reflect on our circumstances and interactions with Holy Spirit wisdom, prayerfully seeking the healthiest and holiest response in each encounter.
7. Focus on Progress over Perfection
Growth and healing takes time and practice. Often, recognition precedes change. If you’re just beginning your self-awareness and healing journey, you’ll likely find yourself slipping into old unhelpful patterns. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. View your newfound awareness and each positive step as evidence of the Lord’s healing work.
After difficult encounters, prayerfully journal on the experience. With God, process:
What did I feel?
What story did I tell myself?
What lie might have been triggered?
What does God want to say about the situation or how He feels about me?
Ask Him to show you the path of healing He hand-crafted for you, His beloved.
For many of us, the holidays can feel like a confusing mix of joy and pain, anticipation and dread. This is especially true for those who must interact with hurtful and unhealthy people. But we aren’t alone in our pain or distress. The Lord sees us and all the ways others wound us; He will lovingly guide us toward His very best.
He’ll also help us protect our hearts as we prayerfully process our most challenging gatherings prior to attending, pre-plan ways to care for our souls, remember and reflect on His unchanging truths, keep things in perspective, and prioritize the gospel. While this probably won’t change the person creating the chaos, it can dramatically improve how we experience them and the holidays.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Drazen Zigic
Jennifer Slattery is a writer and speaker who co-hosts the Faith Over Fear podcast and, along with a team of 6, the Your Daily Bible Verse podcast. She’s addressed women’s groups, Bible studies, and taught at writers conferences across the nation. She’s the author of Building a Family and numerous other titles and maintains a devotional blog at JenniferSlatteryLivesOutLou
She’s passionate about helping people experience Christ’s freedom in all areas of their lives. Visit her online to learn more about her speaking or to book her for your next women’s event, and sign up for her free quarterly newsletter HERE and make sure to connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and GodTube.