How to Build a Healthy Balance of Give and Take in Relationships
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There are all kinds of relationships in life: marriages, friendships, work relationships, family connections, and more. Any time we have a connection with someone that is not fleeting, we are building a relationship with them. We form relationships with other people because God created us to be relational creatures. We thrive in the company of others we share something with, whether that be work, love, friendship, or even community involvement.
Recently, many have determined that healthy relationships are those that have a balance of give and take; each person in equally (for the most part) gives of their time, love, and energy and takes this same offering from the other person. However, as of late, some people are labeling relationships unhealthy or even toxic because they see an imbalance of give and take.
Let’s examine what it means to be in a healthy relationship in God’s eyes, as well as how to improve a relationship that is off-balance.
What God Says about Healthy Relationships
A relationship, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is “the state of being related or interrelated; the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship [such as a kinship]; a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings or a romantic or passionate attachment.” This connection two people have with one another continues to draw them together, whether blood, marriage, common interests, work connections, or other forms of union.
When we look at the Bible, we see several kinds of relationships: the apostle Paul and his mentorship with his apprentice Timothy, the marriage relationships between several couples, the spiritual friendships between Jesus and His disciples, and more. Though there are some biblical relationships that aren’t healthy, the ones that tend to stick with us are the definition of healthy.
To God, the marks of a healthy friendship are that they love at all times (Proverbs 17:17) and sharpen one another like iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17). Work relationships are those that encourage being united in harmony (Psalm 133:1; Romans 12:16-18), while romantic relationships embody love and respect through honesty and forgiveness (1 Corinthians 13:4-7; Ephesians 5:21-33; Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:25).
So, for there to be healthy give and take in a relationship, it should be offered equally by both parties. Both should feel loved, respected, and united with someone who is honest with them, someone who works to help them become a better version of themselves.
When an Imbalance Occurs
Unfortunately, in this world, we are born with a sin nature that leads us to make decisions that benefit ourselves more than others. Regarding give and take in a relationship, when there is an imbalance it is because one person is doing more taking than giving and the other person is doing more giving than taking.
In friendships, romantic relationships, family relationships, work relationships, and community relationships, it is where one person is giving everything into the relationship while the other person is selfishly taking more than they should and not recognizing that they are facilitating this unequal union. There are several reasons this imbalance may occur. But usually, the person giving too much falsely believes that giving more will bring about positive change.
The person may be giving more because they want the other person to see them with a better perspective, or they are afraid the other person will leave them. They may believe that the helper-mindset is to always give without any regard to their own needs. The downside of this is that the other person is taking the fruits of the other person’s labor without understanding they should give something in return.
For example, this could be a coworker doing most of the work on a project with another coworker but not saying anything when the boss recognizes the project’s success as a joint effort. (This can also occur in other relationships.) In friendships, it might be one friend always making plans, driving further, and dropping everything when the other friend wants something or to spend time together. In romantic relationships, it could be that a person is doing everything to make their partner happy, at the expense of their own contentment and peace.
Sadly, if the two involved in the relationship don’t honestly assess what is happening, tensions could flare up, eventually leading to hurt feelings or a separation.
How to Encourage Healthy Give and Take
So, what would be the first step in balancing a relationship’s give and take? For those who are believers, it is always going to God in prayer, asking for wisdom, discernment, and peace about the relationship. You may already have taken this step, turning to the Father in prayer as soon as you realized something was not right in your relationship.
Seeking God’s guidance and discernment will help you know the next right step to take. The best place to start is usually by meeting with them for an honest one-on-one conversation about your relationship. Choose to have this meeting away from others and from any kind of distraction so both of you are engaged in the conversation and have privacy.
Share your perspective on the relationship with the person and how you don’t feel that it’s balanced. Keep in mind that asking your friend to put more effort into the relationship is not selfish. The enemy can make us feel that it is wrong to have this conversation, but being honest about your concerns will help you to know if the relationship can be repaired, or if other changes need to happen.
If the conversation was positive and the other person wishes to make changes, then start small and practice patience. If the taking person has always struggled with giving, then start with small steps; allow the person to see how giving can be just as rewarding as receiving. It’s important to be patient and to hold back from jumping first to give. Allow the taking person the opportunity to give. Through it all, share your progress with God through prayer, and ask Him what He would like you to do next in the relationship.
All of our relationships, from platonic to romantic, make up our daily lives. There is an ebb and flow that comes from giving and taking. However, when there is an imbalance of giving and taking between two people, tensions can start to mount until an emotional explosion occurs.
The first step toward creating balance in a relationship is to be honest with one another and work together to restore proper balances of giving and taking, all led by the guidance of God. With these efforts, relationships can not only survive, but be strengthened, mirroring our own personal relationship with Father God.
Photo credit: Unsplash/Aarón Blanco Tejedor
