How to Honor a Father and Mother Who Haven't Acted Honorably

Mothers and fathers truly make the world go round, leading us through life from birth to adulthood with comfort, love, and guidance. Besides days like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day that honor their involvement in our lives, God has also commanded us to honor our mothers and fathers within His Ten Commandments. This honors God as well.

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).

For mothers and fathers who love us as the Lord loves us, it is easy to feel the desire to honor our parents any way we can. However, not everyone has mothers and fathers who love and cherish them as they should. In this situation, how are we to honor mothers and fathers who haven’t been honorable in the way they lived their lives, raised their children, or even acted towards our heavenly Father?

Let’s first look at how God views mothers and fathers, aligning our viewpoint with the Lord’s as our first step.

God’s View on Parents

Number five of the Ten Commandments, given to us through Moses and shared in the book of Exodus, states that we are to honor our fathers and mothers so that our lives will be long and prosperous. There is no greater role in a person’s life than being a parent; God Himself is the father of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

King David even said in Psalm 127:4-5 that a man with many children is like a warrior with a quiver full of arrows; he should not be ashamed, but happy. Children are one of the greatest blessings we can receive from God and must be cherished and loved for what they represent about God in our lives.

So, suffice to say that God has a high regard for parenting. He sees to it that those who have been gifted children should take this role seriously. Proverbs 22:6 says parents ought to “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Other verses encourage parents to discipline in love (Proverbs 29:17), while some remind children to listen and obey their parents so that grace and peace will be with them always (Proverbs 1:8-9).

God has high expectations for parents, displaying what it means to lead your children in a godly way. This is not to say that parents can’t make mistakes from time to time, but if they let God lead their paths with hearts open to forgiveness and grace, they won’t steer themselves or their children wrong.

Recognizing the Struggle to Honor

Even though God presents how we are to parent, it is not always easy, especially when parenting in a society that wants you to do anything but follow God. 

As parents and human beings, we can and will let our children down from time to time. But when parents have made more than just the occasional mistake, it can be a struggle to honor them.

Some parents could suffer from mental health challenges or debilitating addictions, while others may be driven to control their children. Others may have no interest in being a part of their child’s life at all. This is where people might feel conflicted about how to honor parents who may not take seriously, or are incapable of doing, the role of parenting.

However, God wants us to take the fifth commandment to honor our mothers and fathers seriously, even if our parents haven’t done anything honorable to us. In honoring our less-than-honorable parent(s), we are honoring our Lord in the process.

Honoring God by Honoring Parents

The apostle Paul speaks of having a renewed mind in Christ when we accept Him into our hearts and lives (Romans 12:2). In Christ, we will look at the world and our surroundings differently than we did before. This also applies to our relationships with our parents.

In no way is God saying that once you are a follower of Jesus, you turn a blind eye to the way your parent(s) treat you. But He does say that you will feel less inclined to get even with them for their treatment, and you will want to pray and care for them more.

If you have a less-than-honorable parent or parents, you can still honor the roles of father and mother through actions you take in private and in public.

One way you could uphold the commandment of honoring your parents is by praying for them. If boundaries and distance are part of your life with them, this is a great way to honor them without being physically close. Ask God how you can love them and have them in your life in a healthy way. Even if your parents are no longer alive, prayer could be a gateway to forgiving your parents.

Speaking of which, forgiveness is a second way to honor your parents. Sometimes, parents may never apologize for the pain and heartache they have caused their children, whether they knew they were hurting them or not. But forgiveness allows the children to be freed from that anguish. Forgiveness is a whole journey to take in and of itself, but being willing to say you could forgive your mother or father is a healthy step in the godly direction.

Another way to honor your parents, if you are in contact with them, is to help make sure needs, not wants, are met for them. This might be appropriate if your parents aren’t financially responsible, and it is best if you have firm boundaries with them regarding what you will and won’t do for them. Making sure their basic needs are taken care of, whether it is picking up a few groceries for them when you are out to setting up medical care, is pleasing in God’s eyes and honoring to Him, whether your parents are appreciative or not.

Love and Honor Father God First

Before attempting any of these suggestions, make sure to go to God first in regular, prayerful conversations to determine how He wants you to approach honoring your parents. He knows what your situation with your parents needs most and what will bring the most healing for all involved. Making time to speak with the Lord will help guide your path forward.

Celebrating our parents through honoring them, whether on their specific holidays or just in general, is easy to do if you have great relationships with parents who have been loving and kind to you, caring for your every need. However, if this doesn’t describe your relationship with one or both parents, being called by God to honor them can feel like an impossible task.

But what God calls us to do in honoring our parents is to honor what a mother and a father are supposed to be in our lives, honoring first the most loving Father in our lives, God. Loving Him first allows us to see ways we can love and honor our parents even if they haven’t been honorable to us. Know that we are honoring our Father in heaven, who blesses us every day with His love and care. 

Photo credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

Blair Parke is a freelance writer for BibleStudyTools.com and freelance book editor who wrote her first book, "Empty Hands Made Full," in 2021 about her journey through infertility with her husband. She previously worked for eight years with Xulon Press as an editor. A graduate of Stetson University with a bachelor's in communications, Blair previously worked as a writer/editor for several local magazines in the Central Florida area, including Celebration Independent and Lake Magazine and currently writes for the Southwest Orlando Bulletin. She's usually found with a book in her hand or enjoying quality time with her husband Jeremy and dog Molly. You can order her book at Christian Author Bookstore - Xulon Press Publishing and visit her website at Parkeplaceediting.