Six Learning To Live Without Lying

The Quakers believed that haggling involved lying. The seller and buyer would name a price they knew was unfair. It may seem like an innocent practice, but haggling did not sit right in the Quakers’ hearts. Thus Quakers priced their goods for what they were worth and refused to haggle. They put a price tag on an item and simply refused to negotiate. After a while the idea caught on. It not only saved a lot of time, it also drastically cut down on the number of lies people told every day. Quakers called this “plain speech.” Plain speech means speaking without spin or deception. A yes means yes.

Lying always occurs between persons, and we must distinguish between telling something that is false and a lie. Lying is “a false statement made knowingly, with the intent to deceive.” Lying is not about the correctness of what a person says but about the intent of the heart. What does living as an apprentice of Jesus, in his glorious kingdom, have to do with lying?

God is truth; he cannot lie (Titus 1:2), and those who follow him must walk and talk in truth. And the Spirit of God not only leads us into truth (John 16:13), but is truth (1 John 5:6). Kingdom people are those who are led by or walk in the Spirit. Therefore, they must walk in truth. The apostle John praised his fellow Christians for doing so: “I was overjoyed when some of the friends arrived and testified to your faithfulness to the truth, namely how you walk in the truth” (3 John 1:3). And Paul urged those under his care always to tell the truth: “So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another” (Ephesians 4:25).

This is the baseline, the starting point, for apprentices of Jesus. We begin by “putting away falsehood” (not lying), or in the positive, we speak the truth. We do this because we are “members of one another.” Lying to another is lying to myself. Christ dwells in both of us.

People who dwell in the kingdom of heaven will find lying less and less a part of their lives. That is because the kingdom addresses all of the reasons we give for lying. First, in the life with God (the kingdom) we can let go of our fears. We don’t need to fear what will happen as long as we are living under his rule and reign. Telling the truth may cause discomfort or embarrassment, but we live with a God who protects us and provides for us. If we choose to lie, we are not in harmony with the kingdom, and losing that is much worse than the consequences of telling the truth.

Understanding our identity in Christ helps us in the area of lying. Paul urged the Colossians, “Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices” (Colossians 3:9 niv). Notice the second clause: “since you have taken off the old self.” Since Jesus dwells and delights in us, we strive to put an end to deception in our life.

The kingdom is not in trouble. And we who stand in it are never in trouble. Therefore, we can risk telling the truth. We can handle the consequences of the truth. In the kingdom we strive for more than merely not lying. We want our speech to be acceptable not only to the people we address but also to God. The bar is set high. Our words need to be honest and true, but they flow from the heart, so our heart has to be honest and true. At present it may not be, but as long as we keep “pickling” in the kingdom of God, it will be increasingly so. As it becomes genuine and true, so will our words.

I am trying to learn Portuguese because I was privileged to minister alongside Eduardo Pedreira in Brazil, and may do so again in the future. As I write, Eduardo and his wife, Marcia, are in the United States on a sabbatical. They are helping me with my Portuguese, and they are trying to improve their English. We are trying to improve our speech, so we can communicate in other languages. But the most important way we can improve our speech—in any language—is to move beyond trying not to lie by blessing others. One of my favorite verses is Ephesians 4:29: “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29).

What does “giving grace” in our speech look like? I have coined the following terms to describe ways we give grace through what we say.

Kingdom encouragement. After relating a difficulty I was wrestling with, a friend responded, “Well, remember, God is your shield and banner.” Her speech gave me grace by sharing a principle about the kingdom of God; namely, God will stand with us and for us. Her words—just a single sentence—encouraged me.

Kingdom kindness. When I spoke with a friend, who is a true apprentice of Jesus, about an experience of loss and grief, he spoke with amazing sensitivity and gentleness. His kingdom kindness involved reflective feedback, which came from careful listening. It usually involves thoughtful responses and empathetic replies.

These are ways to speak the Golden Rule, saying things to others that we would say to ourselves.

In the kingdom of God we begin by putting away falsehood, but as apprentices of Jesus much more is expected of our speech. Telling the truth is a great start, but as we move further into kingdom living we begin to use our tongues to bless and encourage.

Brad Blanton founded a movement called “Radical Honesty.” He has written several books on the subject and offers training seminars to help people learn how to speak the truth in every circumstance. Blanton advocates absolute honesty, even if it hurts others. He believes in the importance of truth over all other considerations. Hurt feelings are no reason for lying.

Is Blanton right? Would we all be better off if we told the truth all of the time? To some extent I think he is right. I think we are unduly afraid of the consequences of honesty. And in most cases, honesty is the most loving thing we can do.

But in light of the previous section on blessing and encouraging with our speech, I believe there are limits to honesty. In the movie A Few Good Men while under oath a character is pushed to tell the truth and blurts out, “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!” There are some truths we cannot handle, and do not need to handle. While I am not advocating lying or deception, I believe that loving others (which is the highest goal) may involve not telling someone everything we think or know in every circumstance.

It takes discernment and wisdom to decide when honesty is helpful and when it’s harmful. For me, a serious “heart check” is necessary when I am in these situations. I pray for the people involved before I speak. I want my words to come from a kingdom attitude—which is love. Paul said, “Speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). That is a great phrase: speaking the truth in love. And love is willing the good of another. Sometimes “willing the good” will mean telling the unvarnished truth. At other times it may mean withholding the truth. The issue is not easy, but fortunately we have prayer and the Holy Spirit to guide us.

I have thought a lot about the night I let a person assume I had read The Scarlet Letter. I think I lied because I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked. I might have looked unintelligent if I had said, “No, I have not read that book.” I felt so guilty that I felt as if I needed to wear a scarlet L to let others know of my sin. I have since repented of this practice.

Now I routinely say, “No, I am totally unfamiliar with that.” One time I was asked if I understood a certain theory on something, and at first I thought I did, but when I realized I did not, I stopped the person and said, “Excuse me, but now that I know what you are talking about, I must admit that I am not familiar with it.” To my surprise, the person did not think less of me. In fact, he said, “I admire you for telling the truth.” That is the paradox of honesty. In the end we do not seem foolish, we seem genuine, which is a lot more important to people than trying to impress them.

When we know who we are (people in whom Christ dwells) and where we live (in the kingdom of God) we are more able to be straightforward, simple, clear and honest. As long as our hearts are good and we intend no malice, we are in a position to put away falsehood and offer plain speech to others. Beyond that, we can use our speech to give grace to people, which is one of the reasons God gave us the ability to speak. We can learn how to let our yes be yes and also to bless.

Those who live a monastic life (monks and nuns) regularly practice the discipline of silence. They do so for many reasons, but one is to counter the sins of the tongue, such as lying or gossip. Practicing this discipline teaches them the power of words and gives them greater control over their tongues. Most of us are not monks or nuns, but we can also practice this discipline to help us learn how to bridle our tongues.

If we do not speak, we cannot lie. We cannot gossip. We cannot hurt others with our words. So, we practice silence to have better control over our tongues. We will not become proficient overnight, but in time (as with all of the tools we use) we will see progress.

There are two exercises to choose from this week. The main exercise is a very challenging discipline, one which needs a lot of preparation.

The first exercise is to go a day without speaking. This is the primary spiritual tool this week, so if you can only do one of the two, do this one. It is very challenging and takes a lot of planning and preparation.

In our world, how is this possible?

First, choose a day when this will be less of a problem for you. For many, the weekend works best. You can choose to go from sundown to sundown, Friday evening to Saturday evening, for example.

Some warnings:

Most people find this to be a wonderful experience. Don’t be afraid of it. Be aware of speech and of people and things around you, which increase dramatically.

For some, the first exercise is an impossibility. If that is the case, then choose one day this week to be a “Lie-Free Day.” Do your very best not to lie to anyone for an entire day. If you do lie, try your best to correct it on the spot. Simply say, “You know, what I said was not true. The truth is . . .” You may be afraid people will be upset or disappointed with you, but I have found the opposite. Most people find it refreshing. And correcting yourself will help prevent the next lie.