THE FOURTH BOOK.
AUGUSTINE'S LIFE FROM NINETEEN TO EIGHT-AND-TWENTY — HIMSELF A HANICH.SAN, AND SEDUCING OTHERS TO THE SAME heresy — partial OBEDIENCE AMIDST VANITY AND SIN—CONSULTING ASTROLOGERS, ONLY PARTIALLY SHAKEN HEREIN — LOSS OF AN EARLY FRIEND, WHO IS CONVERTED BY BEING BAPTIZED IN A swoon — REFLECTIONS ON GRIEF, ON REAL AND UNREAL FRIENDSHIP, AND LOVE OF FAME — WRITES ON THE "FAIR AND FIT," YET CANNOT AL THOUGH GOD HAD GIVEN HIM GREAT TALENTS, SINCE HE ENTERTAINED WRONG NOTIONS OF GOD — AND SO EVEN HIS KNOWLEDGE HE APPLIED ILL.
I. 1. For this space of nine years then (from my nineteenth year to my eighth-and-twentieth ) I lived seduced and seducing, deceived and deceiving, in divers lusts; openly, by sciences which they call liberal; secretly, with a false-named religion; here proud, there superstitious, everywhere vain. Here hunting after the emptiness of popular praise, down even to theatrical applauses, and poetic prizes, and strifes for grassy garlands, and the follies of shows, and the intemperance of desires. There, desiring to be cleansed from these defilements, by carrying food to those who were called " elect" and "holy," out of which, in the workhouse of their stomachs, they should forge for us Angels and Gods, by whom we might be cleansed. These things did I follow, and practise with my friends, deceived by me, and with me. Let the arrogant mock me, and such as have 64 Sin restrained, but without fixed principles.
not been, to their soul's health, stricken and cast down by Thee, O my God; but I would still confess to Thee mine own shame in Thy praise. Suffer me, I beseech Thee, and give me grace to go over in my present remembrance the wanderings of my forepassed time, and to offer unto Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving} For without Thee, what am I to myself, but a guide to mine own downfall? or what am I even at the best, but an infant sucking the milk Thou givest, and feeding upon Thee, the food that perisheth not f* But what sort of a man is any man, seeing he is but a man? Let now the strong and the mighty laugh at me, but let me, the poor and needy? confess unto Thee.
II. 2. In those years I taught rhetoric, and, overcome by cupidity, made sale of a loquacity to overcome by. Yet I preferred (Lord, Thou knowest) honest scholars (as they are accounted), and without artifice I taught them artifices, not to be practised against the life of the guiltless, though sometimes for the life of the guilty. And Thou, O God, from afar perceivedst me stumbling in that slippery course, and amid much smoke sending out some sparks of faithfulness, which I showed in my guidance of such as loved vanity, and sought after leasing,* myself their companion. In those years I had one companion, not in that which is called lawful marriage, but whom I had found out in a wayward passion void of understanding; yet but one, remaining faithful even no real love of God without sound faith. 65
1 Ps. xlix. 14. » Ps. lxxili. 21.
2 John vi. 27. 4 Is. xlii. 5; Matt. xii. 20; Ps. iv. 2.
to her; in whom I in my own case experienced what difference there is betwixt the self-restraint of the marriage-covenant, for the sake of issue, and the bargain of a lustful love, where children are born against their parents' will, although once born they may constrain love.
3. I remember, also, that when I had settled to enter the lists for a theatrical prize, some wizard asked me what I would give him to win: but I, detesting and abhorring such foul mysteries, answered, "Though the garland were of imperishable gold, I would not suffer a fly to be killed to gain me it." For he was to kill some living creatures in his sacrifices, and by that means to induce the devils to favor me. But this ill also I rejected, not out of pure love to Thee, O God of my heart; for I knew not how to love Thee, not knowing how to conceive aught beyond a material brightness. And doth not a soul, sighing after such fictions, commit fornication against Thee, trust in things unreal, and feed the wind fl Still I would not, forsooth, have sacrifices offered to devils for me, to whom I was sacrificing myself by that superstition. For what else is it to feed the wind, but to feed devils; that is, by going astray, to become their pleasure and derision?
III. 4. Those impostors, then, whom they style Mathematicians,2 I consulted without scruple; because they seemed to use no sacrifice, nor to pray to any spirit for their divinations: which art, however, 66 Vanity of Divination.
1 Hos. xii. 1.
2 Astrologers; "pul6i Italia mathematici," Taciti Historia II. 62.—Ed.
Christian and true piety consistently rejects and condemns. For, it is a good thing to confess unto Thee, and to say, Have mercy upon me, heal my soul, for I have sinned against Thee;1 and not to abuse Thy mercy for a license to sin, but to remember the Lord's words, Behold, thou art made whole, sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee.2 All which wholesome advice they labor to destroy, saying, "The cause of thy sin is inevitably determined in heaven ;" and "This did Venus, or Saturn, or Mars:" that man, forsooth, flesh and blood, and proud corruption, might be blameless; while the Creator and Ordainer of heaven and the stars is to bear the blame."3 And who is He but our God? the very sweetness and well-spring of righteousness, who renderest to every man according to his works: and a broken and contrite heart wilt Thou not desfnse.*
5. There was in those days a wise man,5 very skilful in physic, and renowned therein, who had with his own proconsular hand put the Agonistic garland upon my distempered head, but not as a physician: for this disease Thou only curest, who resistest the proud and givest grace to the humble.6 Thou didst speak to me even by that old man, to heal my soul. For having become more acquainted with him, and hanging assiduously and fixedly on his speech (for Proofs against divination difficult to him. 67
1 Ps. xli. 4.
2 John F. H.
3 Compare "This is the excellent foppery," etc. j King Lear, Act I. Sc. 2. — Ed.
4 Eom. ii. 6; Matt. xvi, 2"; Ps. li. 17.
5 Vindicianus; spoken of again in Book VII. c. vi. — Em «lPet. v. 5; Jam. iv. 6.
though in simple terms, it was vivid, lively, and earnest), when he had gathered, by my discourse, that I was given to the books of nativity-casters, he kindly and fatherly advised me to cast them away, and not fruitlessly bestow a care and diligence necessary for useful things, upon these vanities; saying, that he had in his earliest years studied that art, so as to make it the profession whereby he should live, and that, understanding Hippocratek, he could soon have understood such a study as this; and yet he had given it over, and taken to physic, for no other reason but that he found it utterly false; and he, as an honest man, would not get his living by deluding people. "But thou," saith he, "hast rhetoric to maintain thyself by, so that thou followest this false art of free choice, not from necessity of a support: the more then oughtest thou to give me credit in respect to it, who labored to acquire it so perfectly, as to get my living by it alone." Of whom, when I had demanded how then could many true things be foretold by it, he answered me (as well as he could), "That the force of chance, diffused throughout the whole order of things, brought this about. For if, when a man by hap-hazard opens the pages of some poet, who sang and thought of something wholly different, a verse oftentimes fell out wondrously agreeable to the present business; it were not to be wondered at if, out of the soul of man, unconscious what takes place in it, by some higher instinct an answer should be given, by hap, not by art, corresponding to the business and actions of the demander."
68 Augustine's friend.
6. And thus much, either from or through him, Thou conveyedst to me, and tracedst in my memory what I might hereafter examine for myself. But at that time neither he, nor my dearest Nebridius, a youth singularly good and of a holy fear, who derided the whole system of divination, could persuade me to cast it aside, the authority of the authors swaying me yet more, and as yet I had found no certain proof (such as I sought) whereby it might without all doubt appear, that what had been truly foretold by those consulted was the result of haphazard, not of the art of the star-gazers.
IV. 7. In those years when I first began to teach rhetoric in my native town, I had found a friend in one blooming with me in the same bud of youth, and whom a community of studies made extremely dear to me. He had grown up of a child with me, and together we went to school, and to play. But he was not yet my friend as afterwards, nor even then, as true friendship is: for none is true but that which Thou cementest together between such as cleave unto Thee, through that love which is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost, which is given unto us} Yet was it but too sweet, ripened by the warmth of kindred studies: for, from the true faith (which he as a youth had not soundly and thoroughly imbibed) I had warped him also to those superstitious and pernicious fables for which my mother bewailed me. With me he now erred in mind, nor could my soul be without him. But behold Thou wert close on the Jests at his friend' s baptism, and is reproved. 69
1 Rom. v. 5.
steps of Thy fugitives, at once God of vengeance, 1 and Fountain of mercies, turning us to Thyself by wonderful means; Thou tookest that man out of this life, when he had scarce filled up one whole year of my friendship, sweet to me above all sweetness of my life.
8. Who can recount all Thy praises,' which Thou hast deserved in reference to this single person? What didst Thou then, my God, and how unsearchable is the abyss of Thy judgments ?3 For long, sore sick of a fever, he lay senseless in a deathsweat; and his recovery being despaired of, he was baptized, unconscious, myself meanwhile little regarding, and presuming that his soul would retain rather what it had received of me, not what was wrought on his unconscious body. But it proved far otherwise: for he was refreshed, and restored. Forthwith, as soon as I could speak with him (and I could, so soon as he was able, for I never left him, and we hung but too much upon each other), I essayed to jest with him, as though he would jest with me at the baptism which he had received when utterly absent in mind and feeling, but had now understood that he had received. But he shrunk from me, as from an enemy; and with a wonderful and sudden freedom bade me, as I would continue his friend, forbear such language to him. I, all astonished and amazed, suppressed all my emotions till he should grow well, and his health were strong enough for me to deal with him as I would. But he
1 Ps. xciv. 1. 2 Vs. cvi. 2. 3 Ps. xxxvi. 2.
70 God's mercy in the death of his friend.
was taken away from my frenzy, that with Thee he might be preserved for my comfort; a few days after, in my absence, he was attacked again by the fever, and so departed.
9. At this grief my heart was utterly darkened; and whatever I beheld was death. My native country was a torment to me, and my father's house a strange unhappiness; and whatever I had shared with him, now that he was gone, became a distracting torture. Mine eyes sought him everywhere, but found him not; and I hated all places because they held him not; nor could they now tell me, "He is coming," as when he was alive and absent. I became a great riddle to myself, and I asked my soul, why she was so sad, and why she disquieted me sorely:1 but she knew not what to answer me. And if I said Trust in God, she very rightly obeyed me not; because that most dear friend, whom she had lost, being a man, was both truer and better, than that phantasm she was bid to trust in. Only tears were sweet to me, for they succeeded my friend as the solace of my mind.
V. 10. And now, Lord, these things are passed by, and time hath assuaged my wound. May I learn from Thee, who art Truth, and approach the ear of my heart unto Thy mouth, that Thou mayest tell me why weeping is sweet to the miserable? Hast Thou, although present everywhere, cast away our misery far from Thee? Thou abidest in Thyself, but we are tossed about in divers trials. And yet He loathes life and dreads death. 71
1 Ps. xlii. 5.
unless we mourn in Thine ears, we should have no hope left. How then is sweet fruit gathered from the bitterness of life, from groaning, tears, sighs, and complaints? Doth this sweeten it, that we hope Thou hearest? This is true of prayer, for therein is a longing to approach unto Thee. But was it so in my grief for my friend lost, and the sorrow wherewith I was then overwhelmed? For I neither hoped he should return to life, nor did I desire this with my tears. I wept and grieved because I was miserable, and had lost my joy. Or is weeping bitter when we have the things which we enjoy, but grows pleasant when we lose them?
W. 11. But why speak I of these things? for now is no time to question, but to confess unto Thee. Wretched I was; and wretched is every soul bound by friendship to perishable things; he is torn asunder when he loses them, and feels the wretchedness which he was liable to ere yet he lost them. So was it then with me; I wept most bitterly, and found my repose in bitterness. Thus was I wretched, but that wretched life I held even dearer than my friend. For though I would willingly have changed it, yet was I more unwilling to part with it, than with him; yea, I know not whether I would have parted with it even for him, as is related (if not feigned) of Pylades and- Orestes, that they would gladly have died for each other or together, not to live together being to them worse than death. But in me there had arisen some inexplicable feeling, wholly contrary to this; for at once I loathed exceedingly to live and 72 Misery increased by distraction.
feared to die. I suppose, the more I loved him, the more did I hate and fear (as a most cruel enemy) death, which had bereaved me of him: and I imagined it would speedily make an end of all men, since it had power over him. Thus was it with me, I remember. Behold my heart, O my God! behold, and see into me; for well I remember it, O my Hope, who cleansest me from the impurity of such affections, directing mine eyes towards Thee, and plucking my feet out of the snare} For I wondered that others, subject to death, did live, since he, whom I loved, as if he should never die, was dead; and I wondered yet more that myself, who was to him a second self, could live, he being dead. Well said one con«erning his friend, "Thou half of my soul:" for I felt that my soul and his soul were "one soul in two bodies: " and therefore was my life a horror to me, because I would not live halved. And therefore, perchance I feared to die, lest he whom I so much loved should die wholly.2
VII. 12. O madness, which knows not how to love men as men! O foolish man that I then was, suffering so impatiently the lot of man! I fretted, sighed, wept, was distracted; found neither rest nor counsel. For I bore about a shattered and bleeding soul, impatient of being borne by me, yet where to repose it, I found not. Not in calm groves, not in
1 Ps. xxv. 14.
2 Augustine in his Retractationa (Liber II.) remarks that what he has said here, " quasi declamatio levis et gravis confessio videtur, quamvis utcuuque tempcrata sit haec ineptia in eo quod add it unt est, forte." — Ed.
games and music, nor in fragrant spots, nor in curious banquetings, nor in the pleasures of the bed K and the couch; nor (finally) in books or poesy, found it repose. All things looked ghastly, yea, the very light; whatsoever was not what he was, was revolting and hateful, except groaning and tears; for in those alone found I a little refreshment. But when \ my soul ceased from them, a huge load of misery j weighed me down. To Thee, O Lord, it ought to have been raised, for Thee to lighten; I knew it; but neither could nor would, since, when I thought of Thee, Thou wert not to me any solid or substantial thing. For Thou wert not Thyself, but a mere phantom, and my error was my God. If I offered to discharge my load thereon, that it might rest, it glided through the void, and came rushing down again on me; and thus I was to myself a hapless spot, where I could neither stay nor hence depart. For whither could my heart flee from my heart? Whither could I flee from myself? How not follow myself? And yet I fled out of my native country; for so should mine eyes less look about for my lost friend, where they were not wont to see him. And thus from Tageste, I came to Carthage.
VIII. 13. Times lose no time; nor do they roll idly by; through our senses they work strange operations on the mind. Behold, they went and came day by day, and by coming and going introduced into my mind other imaginations, and other remembrances; and little by little patched me up again with my old kind of delights, unto which my sorrow
74 The world cures grief by sources of fresh grief.
gave way. And yet there succeeded, not indeed other griefs, but the causes of other griefs. For whence had that former grief so easily reached my very inmost soul, but that I had poured out my soul upon the dust, in loving one that must die, as if he would never die? For what restored and refreshed me chiefly, was the solaces of other friends, with whom I had loved him instead of Thee; and this was a great fable, and protracted lie, by whose adulterous stimulus my soul, which lay itching in my ears, was defiled. But that fable would not die to me, so oft as any of my friends died. There were other things which in them did more take my mind; to talk and jest together; to do kind offices by turns; to read together honied books; to play the fool or be earnest together; to dissent at times without quarrelling, as a man might with his own self; and even with the infrequency of these dissenting, to season our more frequent consentings; sometimes to teach, and sometimes learn; to long for the absent with impatience, and welcome the coming with joy: these, and the like expressions, proceeding out of the hearts of those that loved and were loved again, by the countenance, the tongue, the eyes, and a thousand pleasing gestures, were so much fuel to melt our souls together, and out of many make but one.
IX. 14. This is what is loved in friends; and so loved, that a man's conscience condemns itself, if he love not the one that loves him, looking for nothing from him but demonstrations of his love. Hence \. that mourning, if one die, that darkening of sorrows, Amid the changes of the creature, 75
that steeping of the heart in tears, all sweetness turned to bitterness; and upon the loss of the dying, the death of the living. Blessed is the man that loveth Thee, and his friend in Thee, and his enemy for Thee. For he alone loses none dear to him, to whom all are dear in Him who cannot be lost. And who is this but our God, the God that made heaven and earth, and ftlleth them,1 because by filling them He created them? None loseth, but he who leaveth Thee. And who leaveth Thee, whither goeth or whither fleeth he, but from Thee pleased to Thee displeased? For doth he not find Thy law in his own punishment? And Thy law is truth,2 and truth is thyself.
x. 15. Turn us, O God of Hosts, show us Thy countenance, and we shall be whole? For whithersoever the soul of man turns itself, unless towards Thee, it is fastened upon sorrows; yea, even though it is fastened on things beautiful, which are out of Thee, and out of the soul, and yet were not all, unless they were from Thee. They rise and set; and by rising, they begin, as it were, to be; they grow, that they may be perfected; and perfected, they wax old and wither; and some perish without waxing old. So then when they rise and tend to be, the more quickly they grow that they may be, so much the more they haste not to be. This is the law of their nature. Thus much hast Thou allotted them, because they are portions of things which exist not all at once, but, 76 rest only in the Creator.
1 Gen. ii. 24; Jer xxiii. 24. 2 pB. ixxx. 19.
2 Ps cxix 142; John xiv. Bo
by passing away and succeeding, together complete that universe whereof they are portions; even as our speech is completed by separate vocal signs; but not unless one word pass away when it hath sounded its part, that another may succeed. Out of all these things let my soul praise Thee, O God, Creator of all; yet let not my soul be fastened unto these things with the glue of love, through the senses of the body. For they go whither they were meant to go, that they might cease to be; and they rend the soul with pestilent longings, because she longs to be, yet loves to repose in what she loves. But in these things is no place of repose; they abide not, they flee; and who can follow them with the senses of the flesh? yea, who can grasp them, when they are hard by? For the sense of the flesh is slow, because it is the sense of the flesh; and by the flesh is it bounded. It sufticeth for the end that it was made for; but it sufficeth not to stay things from running their course from their appointed starting-place to the end appointed. For in Thy Word, by which they are created, they hear their decree, "hence and hitherto."
XI. 16. Be not foolish, O my soul, nor become deaf in the ear of thine heart with the tumult of thy folly. Hearken thou, also. The Word Itself calleth thee to return to that place of rest imperturbable, where love is not forsaken, if itself forsaketh not to love. Behold, some things pass away, that others may replace them, and so this lower universe be completed by all its parts. But do I ever depart? God invites us by the changes around us. 77
saith the Word of God. There fix thy dwelling, trust there whatsoever thou hast, O my soul, for now thou art tired out with vanities. Entrust to Truth, whatsoever thou hast from the Truth, and thou shalt lose nothing; and thy decay shall bloom again, and all thy diseases be healed,1 and thy mortal parts be reformed and renewed, and bound around thee: nor shall they lay thee whither themselves descend; but they shall stand fast with thee, and abide forever before God, who abideth and standeth fast forever?
17. Why then be perverted and follow thy flesh? Let it be converted and follow thee. Whatever by it thou hast sense of, is only a part; but the whole, whereof this is a part, thou knowest not; and yet the mere part delights thee. But had the sense of thy flesh a capacity for comprehending the whole, and not (for thy punishment) a part only, thou wouldest wish that all the parts should pass away, that so, the whole might ravish thee. For what we speak also, by the same sense of the flesh thou hearest; yet wouldest not thou have the syllables stay, but fly away, that others may come, and thou hear the whole. And so ever, when any one thing is made up of many, all of which do not exist together, collectively they would please more than they do severally, could all be perceived collectively. But better still than the collective whole is He who made the whole; He is our God; He doth not pass away, neither doth aught succeed Him.
XII. 18. If bodies please thee, praise God for 78 Al l things are to be loved in God.
1 Ps. ciii. 3. 2 1 Pet. i. 23.
them, and dart back thy love upon their Maker; lest in these things which please thee, thou displease Him. If souls please thee, love them in God: for separate they are mutable, but in Him they are firmly established ; else would they pass, and pass away. In Him then be they beloved; and carry unto Him along with thee what souls thou canst, and say to them, "Him let us love, Him let us love: He made all things, nor is He far off. For He did not make them, and then depart, but they are of Him, and in Him. See, there He is where truth is loved. He is within the very heart, yet hath the heart strayed from Him. Go back into your heart, ye transgressors, and cleave fast to Him that made you. Stand with Him, and ye shall stand fast. Rest in Him, and ye shall be at rest. Whither go ye in rough ways? Whither go ye? The good that you love is from Him; but it is good and pleasant through reference to Him, and justly shall it be embittered, if He be forsaken for it. To what end then would ye still and ever walk these difficult and toilsome ways? There is no rest, where ye seek it. Seek still what ye seek; but it is not there where ye seek. Ye seek a blessed life in the land of death; it is not there. For how should there be a blessed life, where life itself is not?"
19. "But our true Life came down hither, and bore our death, and slew our death, out of the abundance of His own life: and He thundered, calling aloud to us to return to Him into the secret place, whence He came forth to us, through the Virgin's Christ humbled that we might rise. 79
womb, wherein He espoused the human creation, our mortal flesh, that it might not be forever mortal, and thence like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, rejoicing as a giant to run his course} For he lingered not, but ran, calling aloud by words, deeds, death, life, descent, ascension; crying aloud to us to return unto Him. And he departed from our eyes, that we might return into our heart, and there find Him. For He departed, and lo! He is here. He would not remain with us, yet left us not; for He departed thither, whence He never parted, because the world was made by Him? And in this world He was, and into this world He came to save sinners? unto whom my soul confesseth, and He healeth it, for it hath sinned against Him? O ye sons of men, how long so slow of heart?i Even now, after the descent of life to you, will ye not ascend and live? But whither ascend ye, when ye are high in your own conceits, and set your mouth against the heavens?6 Descend, that ye may ascend, and ascend to God. For ye are fallen, by rising against Him." Tell thy friends this, that they may weep in the valley of tears,7 and so carry them up with thee unto God; because out of His Spirit thou speakest thus unto them, if thou speakest burning with the fire of charity.
XIII. 20. These things I then knew not, and I loved these lower beauties, and I was sinking to the very depths, and to my friends I said, "Do we love 80 Augustine's love of the beautiful.
1 Ps. xix. 5 3 1 Tim. i. 15. « Ps. iv. 3. Vulg. 7 Pa. lxxxiv. 6. 2 John i. 10 * Fa. xli. 4. 6 Pa. Ixxiii. 9.
anything but the beautiful? What, then, is the beautiful? and what is beauty? What, then, is it that attracts and wins us to things we love? for unless there were in them a grace and beauty, they could by no means draw us unto them." And I marked and perceived in bodies themselves there was a beauty from their forming a sort of whole, and again, another beauty from apt and mutual correspondence, as of a part of the body with its whole, or a shoe with a foot, and the like. And this consideration sprang up in my mind, out of my inmost heart, and I wrote "On the Fair and Fit," I think, two or three books. Thou knowest how many, O Lord, for it is gone from me; for I have them not, but they are strayed from me, I know not how.
XIV. 21. But what moved me, O Lord my God, to dedicate these books unto Hierius, an orator of Rome, whom I knew not by face, but loved for the fame of his learning, which was eminent in him, and some words of his I had heard, which pleased me? But he pleased me chiefly because he pleased others, who highly extolled him, amazed that out of a Syrian, first instructed in Greek eloquence, should afterwards be formed a wonderful Latin orator, and learned philosopher. One is commended, and straightway he is loved without being seen: doth this love enter the heart of the hearer from the mouth of the commender? Not so. But by one who loveth is another kindled. For he who is commended is loved because the commender is believed to extol him with an unfeigned heart; that is, because one that loves him praises him.
Man's self-contradictions. 81
22. For so did I then love men, upon the judgment of men, not Thine, O my God, in whom no man is deceived. But yet I loved men not for qualities like those of a famous charioteer, or fighter with beasts in the theatre, known far and wide by a vulgar popularity, but far otherwise, and earnestly, and so as I would be myself commended. For I would not be commended or loved, as actors are (though I myself did commend and love them), but had rather be unknown, than so known; and even hated, than so loved. How are the impulses to such various and divers kinds of loves laid up in one soul? Why, since we are equally men, do I love in another what I should spurn and cast from myself? For it holds not, that as a good horse is loved by him who would not be that horse, therefore the same may be said of an actor, who shares our nature. Do I then love in a man what I, who am a man, hate to be? Man himself is a great deep, whose very hairs Thou numberest, O Lord, and they fall not to the ground without Thee} And yet are the hairs of his head easier to be numbered than are his feelings, and the beatings of his heart.
23. But that orator was of that sort whom I loved, as wishing to be myself such; and I erred through a swelling pride, and was tossed about with every wind,3 but yet was steered by Thee, though very secretly. And how do I know, and so confidently confess unto Thee, that I loved him more for the sake of his commenders, than for the very things for which he was 82 Man sees not the truth before him.
11 Matt. x. 29, 30. 2 Eph. iv. 14.
commended? Because, had he been unpraised, and these self-same men had dispraised him, and with dispraise and contempt told the very same things of him, I had never been so kindled and excited to love him. And yet the things had not been other, nor he himself other; but only the feelings of the relators. See where the impotent soul lies prostrate, that is not yet stayed up by the solidity of truth! Just as the gales of tongues blow from the breast of the opinionative, so are we carried this way and that, driven forward and backward, our light is overclouded, and the truth unseen. And lo, the truth is before us. It was to me a great matter that my discourse and labors should be known to that man: which, should he approve, I were the more kindled; but if he disapproved, my empty heart, void of Thy solidity, had been wounded. And yet the "Fair and Fit," whereon I wrote to him, I dwelt on with pleasure, and surveyed it, and admired it, though none joined therein.
XV. 24. But I saw not yet, whereon this weighty matter turned in Thy wisdom, O Thou Omnipotent, who only doest wo?tders;1 and my mind ranged^ through corporeal forms; and "fair," I defined and distinguished as so in itself, and "fit," as so in correspondence to some other thing: and this I supported by corporeal examples. And I turned to the nature of the mind, but the false notion which I had of spiritual things let me not see the truth. Yet the force of truth did of itself flash into mine eyes,
1 Ps. CYl. 4.
One error hinders from seeing other truth. 83
and I turned away my panting soul from incorporeal substance to lineaments, and colors, and bulky magnitudes. And not being able to see these in the mind, I concluded that I could not have any knowledge of the mind. And whereas in virtue I loved peace, and in viciousness I abhorred discord-; in the first I observed an unity, but in the other, a sort of division. And in that unity, I conceived the rational soul, and the nature of truth, and of the chief good to consist: but in this division I miserably imagined there to be some unknown substance of irrational life, and the nature of the chief evil, which should not only be a substance, but real life also, and yet not derived from Thee, O my God, of whom are all things. And yet that first I called a Monad, as it had been a soul without sex; but the latter a Duad, — dividing into anger, in deeds of violence, and into lust, in deeds of flagitiousness; not knowing whereof I spake. For I had not known or learned that neither was evil a substance, nor our soul that chief and unchangeable good.
25. For as deeds of violence arise if that emotion of the soul be corrupted whence vehement action springs, stirring itself insolently and unrulily; and as lusts arise if that affection of the soul is uncroverned whereby carnal pleasures are drunk in: so do errors and false opinions defile the conversation if the reasonable soul itself be corrupted; as it was then in me, who knew not that the soul must be enlightened by another light, that it may be partaker of truth, seeing that itself is not that essential nature 84 God repels proud, though earnest, search.
of truth. For Thou shalt light my candle, O Lord my God, Thou shalt enlighten my darkness:l and of Thy fulness have we all received, for Thou art the true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the world;2 for in Thee there is no variableness, neither shadow of change?
26. But I pressed towards Thee, and was thrust from Thee, that I might taste of death: for Thou res istest the proud.* But what prouder than forme, with a strange madness, to assert myself to be that by nature which Thou art? For whereas I was subject to change (so much being manifest to me, since my very desire to become wise, was a wish, of worse to become better), yet chose I rather to imagine Thee subject to change, than myself not to be that which Thou art. Therefore I was repelled by Thee, and Thou resistedst my vain stiffheckedness, and I imagined corporeal forms, and although myself flesh, I accused flesh; and though I was a wind that passeth away, I returned not6 to Thee, but I passed on and on to things which have no being, neither in Thee, nor in me, nor in the body. Neither were they created for me by Thy truth, but by my vanity devised out of things corporeal. And I was wont to ask Thy faithful little ones, my fellow-citizens (from whom, unknown to myself, I stood exiled), I was wont, prating and foolishly, to ask them, " Why then doth the soul, which God created, err?" But I would not be asked, "Why, then, doth God err?" Great quickness, when relied upon, a hindrance. 85
1 Ps. xviii. 28. 8 Jam. i. 17. 8 Ps. lxxviii. w.
2 John i. 10. 9. 41 Fet. v. log jam. iv. 6.
And I maintained that Thy unchangeable substance did err upon constraint, rather than confess that my changeable substance had gone astray voluntarily, and now, in punishment, lay in error.
27. I was then some six or seven and twenty years old when I wrote those volumes; revolving within me corporeal fictions, buzzing in the ears of my heart, which I turned, O sweet Truth, to thy inward melody, meditating on the " fair and fit," and longing to stand and hearken to Thee, and to rejoice greatly at the Bridegroom' s voice} but could not; for by the voices of mine own errors I was hurried abroad, and through the weight of my own pride I was sinking into the lowest pit. For Thou didst not make me to hear joy and gladness, nor did the bones exult which were not yet humbled?
XVI. 28. And what did it profit me, that scarce twenty years old, a book of Aristotle, which they call the ten Predicaments,3 falling into my hands (on whose very name I hung, as on something great and divine, whenever my rhetoric master of Carthage, and others, accounted learned, mouthed it with cheeks bursting with pride), I read and understood it unaided? And on my conferring with others, who said that they scarcely understood it with very able tutors, not only orally explaining it, but drawing many things in sand, they could tell me no more of 86 Piety, not knowledge, or talents, enlightens.
1 John iii. 29.
8 All the relations of things were comprised byAristotie under nine heads; as quantity, quality, etc.; and these, with the "substance" in which all inhere, make up the ten Predicaments, or Categories.
it than I had learned, reading it by myself. And the book appeared to me to speak very clearly of substances, such as "man," and of their qualities, as the figure of a man, of what sort it is; and stature, how many feet high; and his relationship, whose brother he is; or where placed; or when born; or whether he stands or sits; or be shod or armed; or does, or suffers anything; and all the innumerable things which might be ranged under these nine Predicaments, of which I have given some specimens, or under that chief Predicament of Substance.
29. What did all this further me, seeing it even hindered me? for imagining all being to be comprehended under those ten Predicaments, I essayed in such wise to understand, O my God, Thy wonderful and unchangeable Unity also, as if Thou also hadst been subjected to Thine own greatness or beauty; so that (as in bodies) they should exist in Thee, as their subject: whereas Thou Thyself art Thy greatness and beauty; but a body is not great or fair in that it is a body, seeing that, though it were less great or fair, it should notwithstanding be a body. But it was falsehood which I conceived concerning Thee, not truth; fictions of my misery, not the realities of Thy Blessedness. For Thou hadst commanded, and it was done in me, that the earth should bring forth briers and thorns to me, and that in the sweat of my brows I should eat my bread.1
30. And what did it profit me, that all the books I could procure of the so-called liberal arts, I, the vile God unchangeable, man may return unto Him. 87
1 Gen. iii. 18,19.
slave of vile affections, read by myself, and understood? And I delighted in them, but knew not whence came all that was true or certain in them. For I had my back to the light, and my face to tho things enlightened; whence my face, with which I discerned the things enlightened, itself was not enlightened. Whatever was written, either on rhetoric, or logic, geometry, music, and arithmetic, I understood by myself without much difficulty, or any instructor, Thou knowest, O Lord, my God; because both quickness of understanding, and acuteness in discerning, is Thy gift: yet did I not give thanks for them to Thee. So then it served not to my use, but rather to my perdition, since I went about to get so good a portion of my substance into my own keeping; and I kept not my strength for Thee, but wandered from Thee into a far country, to spend it upon harlotries} For what profited me good abilities, not employed to good uses? For I perceived not that those arts were attained with great difficulty, even by the studious and talented, until I attempted to explain them to such; when he most excelled in them, who followed me altogether slowly.
31. But what did this profit me, imagining that Thou, O Lord God, the Truth, wert a ,vast and bright body, and I a fragment of that body? Perverseness too great! But such was I. Nor do I blush, O my God, to confess to Thee Thy mercies towards me, and to call upon Thee; I who blushed not then to
1 Luke xv.; Ps. lviii. 10. Vulg.
88 All things known to God.
profess to men my blasphemies, and to bark against Thee. What profited me then my nimble wit in those sciences and all those most knotty volumes, unravelled by me, without aid from human instruction; seeing I erred so foully, and with such sacrilegious shamefulness, in the doctrine of piety? A far slower wit was more profitable to Thy little ones, since they departed not far from Thee, that in the nest of Thy Church they might securely be fledged, and nourish the wings of charity by the food of a sound faith. O Lord our God, under the shadow of Thy wings let us hope;1 protect us, and carry us. Thou wilt carry us both when little, and even to hoary hairs wilt Thou carry us y2 for our firmness, only when it is in Thee, is firmness; but when it is our own, it is infirmity. Our good ever lives with Thee; from which when we turn away, we are perverted. Let us, then, O Lord, return that we may not be overturned; because with Thee good lives without any decay, for Thou art good; nor need we fear, lest there be no place whither to return, because we fell from it: for our mansion, — Thy eternity, — fell not when we left Thee.
l Ps. lxiil. 7. 2 Is. xlvi. 4.