A Spirit-Filled Marriage

Further, whenever we have trouble with God's Word, we need to remember that God is infinitely wise and good. Anything He says is for our good and is the best possible plan. Many things in God's Word may cause us to react negatively, but always consider the nature of the God giving these commands.

When you think about marriage, and particularly headship, you have to remember that this is rooted in creation (Gen 1-2; Matt 19:4-6; 1 Cor 11:3-12; 1 Tim 2:11-13). Stott says, "This is not chauvinism, but creationism" (Ephesians, 221). Paul does not have an agenda against women. In fact, he elevated women, as Jesus did.

The instruction (5:22-24, 33). What does Paul say? He says the wife must revere Christ through proper submission to and respect for her husband (vv. 22-24, 33; cf. Col 3:18). The role of the wife is clear: submission and respect.

138Let us take "respect" first (v. 33). The better word for this is "fear" (cf. v. 21). However, it does not mean terror but awe. Why did Paul use this term? I am not sure, but one reason surely is that the husband will give an account to God for his leading of the family. Both should stand in awe of that assignment. On a practical level the husband needs the wife's respect. Typically, women crave love; men desire respect. The wife should see the responsibility her husband has and respect him, love him, pray for him, and respect his needs.

The word submit creates more discussion (v. 22). This is not the only place "submission" is noted in the context of marriage. This is consistent with the New Testament's teaching (Col 3:18; 1 Pet 3:1; 1 Tim 2:11-13; Titus 2:4-5; cf. 1 Cor 11:3).

Notice Paul does not say wives submit to every man. The husband is the head of the wife (v. 23), not of all women. Also, notice that this submission is voluntary submission (see O'Brien, Ephesians, 411-12). This is a happy relationship. Christian wives freely and responsibly follow the loving leadership of a faithful husband, not a tyrant.

We must reject all improper caricatures of this teaching. Scripture is not talking about something akin to slavery, subservience, or of a top-down chain of command, where the subjects have to obey without question. The picture is not that of a man lying on the couch saying, "Bring me the pretzels."

One might wonder, Why are women called to "submit" and husbands called to "love"? Why not call the wives to love? I think Stott is right:

To submit is to put the will of the other ahead of your will. To love is to put the needs of the other ahead of your needs. Paul elsewhere actually mentions both actions to wives: "So they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and to love their children, to be self-controlled, pure, homemakers, kind, and submissive to their husbands" (Titus 2:4-5, emphasis added).

Paul says the motive of godly, loving submission is this: "as to the Lord" (v. 22). Wives submit to their husbands because they want to glorify Christ (cf. 5:21; 6:8-9). The godly wife sees this duty as part of her 139Christian discipleship. The motive is not to fulfill some societal role or cultural expectation. The motive is love for Christ and a desire to be conformed to His image.

What does submit "in everything" mean? It means submit in every area of life. It does not mean she follows him in matters that are sinful.

We should also point out that there is a difference in a "traditional marriage" and a biblical marriage (Köstenberger, God, Marriage, and Family, 74). In a traditional marriage, a certain type of division exists. Women are often responsible for cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc., while men are working and earning an income. While Scripture does speak of a man working outside the home as his primary responsibility and the home as the center of a woman's activity (though not limited to the home; Prov 31:10-31), "the Bible is not a law book that exacts the division of labor" (ibid.). There is freedom in Christ—freedom to work out the best way to live out the biblical guidelines. As long as Christlike headship and loving submission are practiced, it would be OK for the wife to make more money than the husband or for the wife to "bring home the bacon" while the husband is in school or injured. Further, the husband may be a better cook! A biblical marriage does not always mean a traditional marriage. The couple should simply yield to the pattern of the husband serving as the head and the wife as the helper, submitting to the loving leadership of her husband. And the two should strive to prayerfully apply this pattern faithfully in their own situation.

The illustration (5:23-24). Paul speaks of marriages as a picture of Christ's love for the church in verses 23-24, and carries it into verses 25-32. Paul shows us that marriage displays the gospel. The Old Testament also illustrated God's love for His people with a marriage. In this text it is Christ and the church specifically. In verse 32 Paul says this picture is "profound." It is awesome. In creation God had Christ and the church in mind. Consider three applications of this picture.

140This illustration gives us the ultimate picture of marriage. Wives give a picture of the church to the world (v. 24). Husbands give a picture of Christ to the world (v. 23). Christ is the head, as noted in 1:22. But look what kind of head He is. Peek into the next paragraph and consider the five actions of His leadership: He loved the church (5:25); He gave Himself up for her (v. 25); He sanctified her (v. 26); He cleansed her (v. 26); He presented her (v. 27); and He "provides and cares for" the church (v. 29).

This illustration gives us the ultimate purpose of marriage, namely, the glory of Christ. Everything in this passage points us to Christ: "as to the Lord" (v. 22); "as Christ loved the church" (v. 25); "as Christ does for the church" (v. 29). Everything comes back to Christ.

While it is important for couples to work through communication problems, financial problems, personality issues, the past, and other issues, let us remember that the ultimate issue in marriage is this: Are you surrendered to the lordship of Christ? Will you submit to Him in all areas of life? If the starting point for marriage is me, then I am starting at the wrong place. Marriage exists for Christ's glory. Let your marriage be an offering of worship as you love each other, forgive each other, serve each other. Let your relationship serve as an aroma of Christ before a watching world.

This illustration provides amazing hope for marriage. Christ died for the church, which displayed her sinfulness and His saving grace. The biggest problem in marriage is sin. The ultimate solution is the grace of Jesus. Because marriage is not merely a social convention but is rooted in the lordship of Christ, who is gracious, you have great hope in marriage! Where do you turn when marriage is difficult? Alcohol, deer hunting, work, pornography? No! Those are the wrong places! Look to Christ. Marriage is intended to point us to our Redeemer.

Paul commands husbands to reflect Christ by loving their brides. We have already touched on this. We are called to love our wives as Jesus loved the church.

Sacrificial love (5:25). Christlike love is a Golgotha love. Christ's back was scourged. His hands and feet were nailed to the wood. A spear was thrust into His side. A crown of thorns was placed on His head—all because He loved the church.

Christ's sacrificial love is a foot-washing love. His headship is our model. He came to serve, though He was the head. We see in Christ authority coupled with unparalleled humility and love.

Men, marriage is a call to die. Dying to self may involve sacrificing your schedule and even good ambitions. It means giving yourself away for the good of your bride. It involves crucifying your flesh and resolving to be faithful to your bride, not yielding to the temptations of lust, anger, and pride.

141Marriage is a call to serve. Christlike love takes initiative. Avoid being a passive husband. Actively love your wife (see 1 Cor 13). Christlike love involves not just service but also an appropriate Christlike attitude in serving (see Phil 2:5-11).

Sanctifying love (5:26-27). Paul says, "Cleansing her with the washing of water by the word" (v. 26). Some take this as ongoing sanctification, but I agree with O'Brien who says, "It is positional sanctification that is in view here, not progressive sanctification" (Ephesians, 422, emphasis added). That seems clear as Paul goes on to say, "He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless" (v. 27).

Christ's cleansing happens by two agents: water and word. Some think "water" refers to baptism, but I do not think so. When Paul speaks of washing, he emphasizes the spiritual cleansing that takes place (cf. 1 Cor 6:11). The marriage imagery in Ezekiel 16:8-14 and the prenuptial bath in the Jewish customs may have influenced Paul. So there may be a secondary reference here to the bridal bath (O'Brien, Ephesians, 422). I take "the word" as the word of the gospel (see Eph 6:17). The word of the gospel is the means by which we receive spiritual cleansing. Christ cleanses His bride spiritually, and He does this through the word of the gospel (John 15:3; 17:17).

Does this have application for husbands? While a husband cannot atone for sins or cleanse anyone, there is a sense in which Christ's sanctifying work is a pattern for husbands. Practically, I think this means you should love your bride in a way to help her grow in likeness to Christ. Here is the question: "Is our wife more like Christ because she's married to us? Or, is she like Christ in spite of us?" (Hughes, Ephesians, 192).

Men, be concerned for her spiritual well-being. Be in the Word personally. Talk about the Word with her. Know how your wife is doing in theological knowledge, in the practice of spiritual disciplines, in her service in the local church, and in her relationships. Care for her soul. Do you know her fears, hopes, dreams, temptations, and disappointments? Shepherd her faithfully.

Satisfying love (5:28-31). After speaking of redemption as the pattern of love, Paul now refers to creation. He says husbands should love their wives "as their own bodies" (v. 28). The husband should provide, nourish, and care for his bride, just as he cares for himself (v. 29). Paul puts Genesis 2:24 underneath this directive, reminding the husband that the two have become "one flesh" (v. 30).

142This directive for satisfying love may sound self-serving for the husbands or demeaning to the wives, but that is not the case. This directive makes perfect sense in light of the fact that the two have become one flesh. Just as you long to satisfy your own needs, husbands, satisfy your wife's needs. Just as you long for intimacy, joy, security, health, peace, companionship, and community, provide them for your bride also.

Husband, how are you doing at nourishing your wife (v. 29)? Are you physically nourishing her? Are you cherishing your wife (v. 30)? Are you admiring her and complimenting her?

I'll never forget one particular example of this type of love. Wayne Grudem, world-renowned theologian, was on faculty at Trinity University for 20 years. He served with scholars like D. A. Carson and Douglas Moo. They were the "Seal Team Six of Professors." But his wife suffered from fibromyalgia, a disease that causes pain to many muscle groups and for which there is no known cure. She had a difficult time walking up stairs and doing household work. They had prayed and tried everything, but there was no relief. Her pain was aggravated by cold weather and humidity. Chicago was not the most ideal place for her to live.

Some friends invited the Grudems to Mesa, Arizona, for vacation, and they learned that the warm dry climate was wonderfully helpful. They made a few trips and even rode bikes together there for first time in 12 years. Dr. Grudem told his bride, "I would like to move here, but there are no seminaries." A few days later they were flipping through the Yellow Pages and found Phoenix Seminary. Dr. Grudem called and asked if the school had any openings. The school was interested.

After much prayer and thought, Dr. Grudem began pondering the implications of Ephesians 5:28, that you should love your wife as you do your own body. He said, "If I were suffering like Margret, would I not want to move for the sake of my health?" The obvious answer was yes. But his bride did not want to move because she knew her husband had an influential role at a large, respected institution. So there they were. He wanted to move for her sake; she wanted to stay for his sake.

Finally, when Phoenix told him that they would give him a reduced teaching load with more time to write, Mrs. Grudem thought this was a wonderful incentive; the two began processing a possible move. Eventually she told her husband, "I'm going to trust you to make the decision." In the end she followed the loving leadership of her husband, who made a great sacrifice in order to nourish and care for his bride (Grudem, "Upon Leaving").

143Husband, love your wife as your own body, even if it means sacrificing your career dreams. Nourish her. Cherish her.

God ordained marriage. Christ set the pattern for marriage. The Spirit empowers marriage.

The good news of the gospel is that Christ died for those who could not keep demands perfectly. And the good news is that the Spirit daily renews us and empowers us as we look to Christ for grace and mercy. This whole passage should cause us to rest and rejoice in our great groom, Jesus Christ. Spurgeon said of His love:

Dwell on the love of Christ daily, as you seek to live out a Spirit-filled marriage.

Reflect and Discuss