Gospel-Centered Families

How should children honor their parents? One way is through a proper attitude. Children do not honor their parents when they huff and puff, pout, or talk back to them. When children dishonor their parents like this, they dishonor God Himself. We need to teach them that.

When God introduced His written law, the first horizontal relationship was mentioned in commandment five, "Honor your father and your mother" (Exod 20:12). Physically or verbally abusing your parents was a capital offense (Exod 21:15, 17).

The command to honor father and mother appears in five other places in the New Testament (Matt 15:4; 19:19; Mark 7:10; 10:19; Luke 18:20). This further highlights the importance of this command. 150A child that does not grow up with honor and respect of parents will likely not honor and respect others in general.

Those of us with older parents should also honor our parents. We should show proper respect to them and give special care to them when they get older (see 1 Tim 5:4).

How should children obey their parents? Children obey their parents by hearing and doing what their parents say. Listen to what Paul says to the Colossians: "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord" (Col 3:20). If children want to please the Lord, then they must obey their parents. Obeying their parents is one way they can obey the Lord.

Children will have a difficult time obeying their parents. When they fail, they need to be reminded that Jesus died for sinners who disobey God. Make their disobedience an occasion to teach the gospel. Parents know that children do not have to be taught disobedience. They need to be taught the gospel. Remind them of Ephesians 5:18, which casts light on the previous verses and 6:1-4. Tell them the Spirit enables them to obey.

Why should children obey their parents? Paul provides some reasons. First, he says, "Because this is right" (v. 1). That seems unnecessary to state. However, I think it is worth saying because one might be tempted to think, "Should I really require obedience? Look how cute she is!" Maybe she is, but requiring obedience is still the right thing to do. Stott comments,

Second, Paul gives a motivating promise (v. 2). God promises both blessing: "That it may go well with you," and safekeeping: "That you may have long life in the land" (Chapell, Ephesians, 313). Paul combines Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16. The original promise to Israel 151involved a long and good life in the land of Israel. Paul omits the focus on Israel and makes the statement more general and proverbial.

Of course, this does not mean that by obedience to one's parents the child may never get sick or even tragically die. Paul is basically saying that the child is endangering himself by dishonoring his parents. Great spiritual blessings always come by obeying God's Word. Children, obey and honor your parents in the Lord.

Make Disciples of Your Children

Ephesians 6:4

Notice how the parents are identified throughout these verses: "Obey your parents" (6:1, emphasis added); "Honor your father and mother" (6:2, emphasis added); "Fathers ... bring them up" (6:4, emphasis added). The word translated "fathers" is a word used in Hebrews 11:23 to refer to both parents. Paul could have both parents in mind, but more likely he is turning attention to fathers (Snodgrass, Ephesians, 322). Nevertheless, we can apply verse 4 to both parents in general, giving special attention to fathers in particular.

It is certainly best for both parents to be present in the lives of their kids. It is not the job of a day care, nannies, an institution, or grandparents to raise children. It is the parents' job. Big homes, nice cars, and long vacations are not worth neglecting your kids. This requires spiritual discipline on the part of the parents, maybe especially on the part of dads. It may call for an adjustment of one's lifestyle.

Are you conscious of your time and attention with your children? I have learned a lot from pastors because that is what I am. I read where John Piper took one of his children out to lunch every Saturday and asked the child questions. Before I had children, I noted how Pastor Mark Driscoll described having daddy-daughter dates. I try to keep these on a regular basis now. These dates normally involve good food and good conversation followed by something fun.

Both parents need to teach the kids. While the father bears primary responsibility for training and instruction, both share in the task of making children disciples of Jesus. In Proverbs, the writer says,

Paul told Timothy to hold fast to the instruction he received from his mother and grandmother (2 Tim 1:5; 3:14). Timothy seems to have had an unbelieving dad; fortunately, his mother and grandmother taught him.

Both parents should be united in raising the children, disciplining them, and teaching them. We should work toward sending consistent messages.

Parents in general, and dads especially, have two particular challenges in raising children.

Do not provoke them to anger. In the ancient world fathers had absolute control and were sometimes harsh (Snodgrass, Ephesians, 32). Reports show that fathers sold their kids and could even kill them without being charged with a crime. As mentioned, many abandoned their children in the city.

Obviously, a mother can provoke a child to anger as well. But given the dominant nature of the father, it seems he has a particular tendency to do this. The father must be fair, loving, and consistent in attitude toward his child. Here are some possible causes of angering our children:

What is the result of such actions? Children grow angry or, in the words of Colossians, discouraged. Paul says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so they won't become discouraged" (Col 3:21). We should be aiming at encouragement, not discouragement!

153Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Paul goes from a negative command to a positive command. Notice the three actions to which parents are called: bring up, discipline, and instruct.

The phrase "bring them up" does not really do justice to the notion expressed by the verb. Paul used this verb in Ephesians 5:29 in the sense of "provid[ing]," "nourish[ing]" (ESV), or "feed[ing]" (NIV). Paul basically says that dads should care for their children lovingly. Calvin said, "Let them be fondly cherished" (Commentaries, Eph 6:4).

Next, fathers are to "train" or "discipline" and "instruct" their children. "Instruction" carries the idea of teaching, counsel, admonition, or warning, and perhaps verbal instruction (Stott, Ephesians, 248). "Discipline" involves training, including punishment. Discipline is the word used in Hebrews 12 to refer to our Heavenly Father's discipline of us, which is "for our benefit" (Heb 12:5-11).

In light of what Paul has written about anger (Eph 4:26, 31), such discipline must be under control. The type of instruction and discipline we are to give is "of the Lord." We are to teach Christian instruction and discipline in a way that honors the Lord.

Earlier Paul said that "the truth is in Jesus" (4:21). Give your children Christ-centered instruction. As you walk with them, drive them places, play with them, and have meals with them, talk about Jesus! Talk about His incarnation, His death, His resurrection, and His lordship. Danny Akin advises parents well: "Have fun and talk about Jesus a lot." We are to lead our children to the truth that is in Jesus, ultimately so they may submit to the Lord Jesus. He is their highest good.

Speak to the hearts of your children as you teach them about Christ. Behavior flows from the heart (Prov 4:23; 23:26; Matt 12:34). Talk about values, beliefs, feelings, and motives. Talk about sin, repentance, grace, and the cross. Talk about becoming a new creation in Christ Jesus. Talk about the end for which they were created: to glorify God.

You will need to have dialogue, not just monologue, to do this. Ask them questions! Know what they believe or doubt. Know their fears. Discern matters of the heart (Prov 20:5). Speak to their hearts affectionately with lots of encouragement. Celebrate successes and small victories. Warn about the dangers of pride, laziness, and folly. And pray with them regularly.

154When you speak to your children's hearts about the Savior, remember to teach them the biblical story line, not just biblical stories. Show them the hero of the Bible. In her amazing book The Jesus Story Book Bible, Sally Lloyd-Jones writes,

Finally, in your communication and education you may feel insufficient. You are right. Parenting makes you desperate for God's help. Some days I think success equals keeping my children out of prison; on other days I think success is keeping myself out of prison!

But we take great comfort in Titus 2. Paul says the grace of God instructs us for godliness (Titus 2:12). While parents have this 155responsibility to train their children, God in His grace is working in their lives. Look to God for grace and strength. The psalmist reminds us of our desperate need:

Elyse Fitzpatrick quips, "The obvious difference between Paul and us is that Paul bragged about his weakness, and we try to hide it" (Give Them Grace, 150). Do not hide your weaknesses. Admit them. Go to God for help; His strength will be sufficient. Weak parents have a mighty Savior!

Reflect and Discuss