Gospel-Centered Families

Child obedience belongs to the realm which came in medieval theology to be called "natural justice." It does not depend on special revelation; it is part of the natural law which God has written on human hearts. It is not confined to Christian ethics; it is a standard of behavior in every society. Pagan moralists, both Greek and Roman, taught it. Stoic philosophers saw a son's obedience as self-evident, plainly required by reason and part of the "nature of things." (Ephesians, 238-39)

Second, Paul gives a motivating promise (v. 2). God promises both blessing: "That it may go well with you," and safekeeping: "That you may have long life in the land" (Chapell, Ephesians, 313). Paul combines Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16. The original promise to Israel 151involved a long and good life in the land of Israel. Paul omits the focus on Israel and makes the statement more general and proverbial.

Of course, this does not mean that by obedience to one's parents the child may never get sick or even tragically die. Paul is basically saying that the child is endangering himself by dishonoring his parents. Great spiritual blessings always come by obeying God's Word. Children, obey and honor your parents in the Lord.

Make Disciples of Your Children

Ephesians 6:4

Notice how the parents are identified throughout these verses: "Obey your parents" (6:1, emphasis added); "Honor your father and mother" (6:2, emphasis added); "Fathers ... bring them up" (6:4, emphasis added). The word translated "fathers" is a word used in Hebrews 11:23 to refer to both parents. Paul could have both parents in mind, but more likely he is turning attention to fathers (Snodgrass, Ephesians, 322). Nevertheless, we can apply verse 4 to both parents in general, giving special attention to fathers in particular.

It is certainly best for both parents to be present in the lives of their kids. It is not the job of a day care, nannies, an institution, or grandparents to raise children. It is the parents' job. Big homes, nice cars, and long vacations are not worth neglecting your kids. This requires spiritual discipline on the part of the parents, maybe especially on the part of dads. It may call for an adjustment of one's lifestyle.

Are you conscious of your time and attention with your children? I have learned a lot from pastors because that is what I am. I read where John Piper took one of his children out to lunch every Saturday and asked the child questions. Before I had children, I noted how Pastor Mark Driscoll described having daddy-daughter dates. I try to keep these on a regular basis now. These dates normally involve good food and good conversation followed by something fun.

Both parents need to teach the kids. While the father bears primary responsibility for training and instruction, both share in the task of making children disciples of Jesus. In Proverbs, the writer says,

My son, keep your father's command,

and don't reject your mother's teaching.

Always bind them to your heart;

152tie them around your neck.

When you walk here and there, they will guide you;

when you lie down, they will watch over you;

when you wake up, they will talk to you. (Prov 6:20-22; cf. Prov 1:8)

Paul told Timothy to hold fast to the instruction he received from his mother and grandmother (2 Tim 1:5; 3:14). Timothy seems to have had an unbelieving dad; fortunately, his mother and grandmother taught him.

Both parents should be united in raising the children, disciplining them, and teaching them. We should work toward sending consistent messages.

Parents in general, and dads especially, have two particular challenges in raising children.

Do not provoke them to anger. In the ancient world fathers had absolute control and were sometimes harsh (Snodgrass, Ephesians, 32). Reports show that fathers sold their kids and could even kill them without being charged with a crime. As mentioned, many abandoned their children in the city.

Obviously, a mother can provoke a child to anger as well. But given the dominant nature of the father, it seems he has a particular tendency to do this. The father must be fair, loving, and consistent in attitude toward his child. Here are some possible causes of angering our children:

What is the result of such actions? Children grow angry or, in the words of Colossians, discouraged. Paul says, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so they won't become discouraged" (Col 3:21). We should be aiming at encouragement, not discouragement!

153Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Paul goes from a negative command to a positive command. Notice the three actions to which parents are called: bring up, discipline, and instruct.

The phrase "bring them up" does not really do justice to the notion expressed by the verb. Paul used this verb in Ephesians 5:29 in the sense of "provid[ing]," "nourish[ing]" (ESV), or "feed[ing]" (NIV). Paul basically says that dads should care for their children lovingly. Calvin said, "Let them be fondly cherished" (Commentaries, Eph 6:4).

Next, fathers are to "train" or "discipline" and "instruct" their children. "Instruction" carries the idea of teaching, counsel, admonition, or warning, and perhaps verbal instruction (Stott, Ephesians, 248). "Discipline" involves training, including punishment. Discipline is the word used in Hebrews 12 to refer to our Heavenly Father's discipline of us, which is "for our benefit" (Heb 12:5-11).

In light of what Paul has written about anger (Eph 4:26, 31), such discipline must be under control. The type of instruction and discipline we are to give is "of the Lord." We are to teach Christian instruction and discipline in a way that honors the Lord.

Earlier Paul said that "the truth is in Jesus" (4:21). Give your children Christ-centered instruction. As you walk with them, drive them places, play with them, and have meals with them, talk about Jesus! Talk about His incarnation, His death, His resurrection, and His lordship. Danny Akin advises parents well: "Have fun and talk about Jesus a lot." We are to lead our children to the truth that is in Jesus, ultimately so they may submit to the Lord Jesus. He is their highest good.

Speak to the hearts of your children as you teach them about Christ. Behavior flows from the heart (Prov 4:23; 23:26; Matt 12:34). Talk about values, beliefs, feelings, and motives. Talk about sin, repentance, grace, and the cross. Talk about becoming a new creation in Christ Jesus. Talk about the end for which they were created: to glorify God.

You will need to have dialogue, not just monologue, to do this. Ask them questions! Know what they believe or doubt. Know their fears. Discern matters of the heart (Prov 20:5). Speak to their hearts affectionately with lots of encouragement. Celebrate successes and small victories. Warn about the dangers of pride, laziness, and folly. And pray with them regularly.

154When you speak to your children's hearts about the Savior, remember to teach them the biblical story line, not just biblical stories. Show them the hero of the Bible. In her amazing book The Jesus Story Book Bible, Sally Lloyd-Jones writes,

Now, some people think the Bible is a book of rules, telling you what you should and shouldn't do. The Bible certainly does have some rules in it. They show you how life works best. But the Bible isn't mainly about you and what you should be doing. It's about God and what he has done.

Other people think the Bible is a book of heroes, showing you people you should copy. The Bible does have some heroes in it, but (as you will soon find out) most of the people in the Bible aren't heroes at all. They make some big mistakes (sometimes on purpose). They get afraid and run away. At times, they are downright mean.

No, the Bible isn't a book of rules, or a book of heroes. The Bible is most of all a Story. It's an adventure story about a young Hero who comes from a far country to win back his lost treasure. It's a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace, his throne—everything—to rescue the one he loves. It's like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life!

You see, the best thing about this Story is—it's true.

There are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves his children and comes to rescue them.

It takes the whole Bible to tell this Story. And at the center of the Story, there is a baby. Every story in the Bible whispers his name. He is like the missing piece in a puzzle—the piece that makes all the other pieces fit together, and suddenly you can see a beautiful picture. (Lloyd-Jones, Jesus, 14-17)

Finally, in your communication and education you may feel insufficient. You are right. Parenting makes you desperate for God's help. Some days I think success equals keeping my children out of prison; on other days I think success is keeping myself out of prison!

But we take great comfort in Titus 2. Paul says the grace of God instructs us for godliness (Titus 2:12). While parents have this 155responsibility to train their children, God in His grace is working in their lives. Look to God for grace and strength. The psalmist reminds us of our desperate need:

Unless the Lord builds a house,

its builders labor over it in vain;

unless the Lord watches over a city,

the watchman stays alert in vain. (Ps 127:1)

Elyse Fitzpatrick quips, "The obvious difference between Paul and us is that Paul bragged about his weakness, and we try to hide it" (Give Them Grace, 150). Do not hide your weaknesses. Admit them. Go to God for help; His strength will be sufficient. Weak parents have a mighty Savior!

Reflect and Discuss