Is “Train Up a Child” a Promise?

The clear warning of the Proverbs—despite the messaging we receive from Disney movies—is that following your own heart or your own “way” is the epitome of foolishness. Doing what is right in your own eyes leads to death (14:12). Proverbs teaches that God gives young people to parents who are supposed to correct this condition. You see, the best interpretation of Proverbs 22:6 is sort of sarcastic: Let a child have his way when he is young, and when he is old, he will continue to insist on having his way (Clifford, Proverbs, 197). In other words, if you start by letting a young person have his own way, he will continue on that dead-end road when he grows up. Thus, this verse is the flip side of a promise; it is a warning that parents must correct their children’s foolish character before it is set. Children left to their own devices will destroy themselves.

Two other verses help us to see why this is the right interpretation in the flow of Proverbs. Proverbs 22:15 says, “Foolishness is bound to the heart of a youth; a rod of discipline will separate it from him.” And 29:15 states, “A rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a youth left to himself is a disgrace to his mother.” Children do not have to be taught to do wrong because it is already in their hearts, but they do need to be corrected and shown what is right. One day my ( Jon’s) young son wanted a toy his sister was playing with, and when she didn’t give it to him, he reached up and yanked her hair. I can assure you that he had never seen any one of us do that before. He had never seen me pull my wife’s hair because I wanted the TV remote. Where did he get that behavior? He got it from his sin nature! All people need discipline and correction to do right, and you harm your children if you do not correct them.

Proverbs 29:15 implies that directing and correcting your children will take different forms over time: spanking (“a rod”) and reproof (not leaving a youth to himself). Spanking can be the only way to get through to a young child sometimes because all the reasoning in the world will not help. An ancient Egyptian proverb said of young boys that they have ears on their backsides (Waltke, Proverbs, Chapters 1–15, 574). A study at Calvin College actually shows that kids spanked between the ages of two and six earned better grades in school and had a sunnier outlook on life (Black, “Spanking Makes Kids Better”). There is no room for physical abuse of children, but the Bible is also clear that a lack of discipline is a way to abuse your children. However, a verbal reprimand almost always works better as children age, and they should be able to heed a verbal rebuke as they grow in maturity.

The main point is clear. Proverbs says that left to themselves, children will choose the wrong and destructive path. Human beings are not innocent, basically good, or wise. The parental task is to intervene before folly is set and our kids walk off toward hell. Leaving your young child to make his or her own decisions without correction from you is foolish. Leaving teens of the opposite sex alone together is foolish. Letting a four-year-old have his way all the time is foolish. We are to heed the warning of Proverbs 22:6—don’t leave your children to their own way or you might watch them march straight into hell!

Proverbs 22:6 moves against the buddy-parent philosophy of so many. If you allow your child to be self-centered now, they will be later (and no one will like them!). You have to say no sometimes. Many times! Do not turn your child into a brat like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, who always gets her way but is a miserable person. If you let your children have their way without correction, it will be hurtful to them and to you.

You have to discipline. You have to hold them accountable. You cannot say yes all the time. They don’t need to always get their way. I know the world says that repressing things is harmful, but the world’s wisdom is foolish. There is an insightful article in The Atlantic by Lori Gottlieb where a teacher indicted the inability of parents to just say no.

Another teacher I spoke with, a 58-year-old mother of grown children who has been teaching kindergarten for 17 years, told me she feels that parents are increasingly getting in the way of their children’s development. “I see the way their parents treat them,” she said, “and there’s a big adjustment when they get into my class. It’s good for them to realize that they aren’t the center of the world, that sometimes other people’s feelings matter more than theirs at a particular moment—but it only helps if they’re getting the same limit-setting at home. If not, they become impulsive, because they’re not thinking about anybody else.” This same teacher—who asked not to be identified, for fear of losing her job—says she sees many parents who think they’re setting limits, when actually, they’re just being wishy-washy. “A kid will say, ‘Can we get ice cream on the way home?’ And the parent will say, ‘No, it’s not our day. Ice-cream day is Friday.’ Then the child will push and negotiate, and the parent, who probably thinks negotiating is ‘honoring her child’s opinion,’ will say, ‘Fine, we’ll get ice cream today, but don’t ask me tomorrow, because the answer is no!’” The teacher laughed. “Every year, parents come to me and say, ‘Why won’t my child listen to me? Why won’t she take no for an answer?’ And I say, ‘Your child won’t take no for an answer, because the answer is never no!’” (Gottlieb, “How to Land Your Kid in Therapy”)

The main point of Proverbs 22:6 is that the parental task is to intervene and correct your children’s foolishness before it becomes set later in life. If we do not, the results will be disastrous in all kinds of ways. It will lead to selfishness, relational issues, impulse-control problems, an inability to submit to a boss’s authority, and unwillingness to accept the consequences of actions. This verse reminds us of “Twelve Rules for Raising Delinquent Children,” attributed to the Houston Police Department:^[25]

Proverbs 22:6 ultimately demonstrates that our children’s greatest need is the good news about Jesus. Our role is not simply behavior modification that will turn our children into Pharisees, or into rebels when the bribes for good behavior and threats toward bad behavior go away. No, our goal for our children is life transformation through Jesus. Proverbs is clear that discipline is evangelism: “Don’t withhold discipline from a youth; if you punish him with a rod, he will not die. Punish him with a rod, and you will rescue his life from Sheol” (23:13-14).

Discipline is a rescue mission. We are to step in to rescue our kids from hell and the path that leads there. If we do not correct our children, they will not recognize their sin or that they will be held accountable. Some Christian parents misunderstand grace as calling for a laissez-faire attitude toward discipline, but that is deadly. Loving discipline shows our children that there are consequences and accountability for sinful actions, and it demonstrates that there is a standard of right and wrong—one that they have fallen short of, and thus they need a Savior.

Discipline is not simply meting out punishment; it is an opportunity for a gospel conversation. We want to avoid moralism in favor of gospel-driven discipline where you talk to your child in the discipline moment, confessing that your love for them is unconditional—as is God’s love for them—and you are a sinner in need of God’s grace as much as they are. I try when I discipline my children to identify with them that I know what it is like to be selfish, frustrated, or angry, and that is why I am so thankful for Jesus, who offers forgiveness for my sins. And if you have grown children and think it’s too late to get through to them because of how you royally messed up, perhaps a confession of your sins in parenting, your appeal to them for forgiveness, and your confidence in the mercy of God might go a long way in bringing healing and transformation.

Proverbs 22:6 should not cause guilt in parents as much as it should cause vigilance. We are not to be buddy-buddy with our kids in the way the world says. We are on a rescue mission where we must lovingly correct our children because there is foolishness in their hearts. So let us heed the warning of Proverbs 22:6 and graciously correct our children, so that in glory we can say with our Lord Jesus, “Here I am with the children God gave me” (Heb 2:13).