Listen Up!

Proverbs 10:19; 17:27-28

Proverbs talks a lot about the use of our tongues, and one key exhortation is, “Don’t talk so much!” Some people really struggle with talking too much. I ( Jon) confess that I am one of them. I often try to finish my wife’s thoughts or jump into the conversation in the middle of her sentence. If you are the kind of person who always wants to give your opinion first, or if you are not really listening to the other person in conversation, or when you are in a conversation you just wait for your turn to talk, then that is a sign of foolishness. Proverbs teaches that we need to learn to restrain our mouths. Proverbs 10:19 states, “When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is prudent.” Proverbs 17:27-28 adds,

The one who has knowledge restrains his words, and one who keeps a cool head is a person of understanding. Even a fool is considered wise when he keeps silent—discerning, when he seals his lips.

These verses sound similar to the more modern proverb attributed to Abraham Lincoln: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” Proverbs is clear that speaking a lot leads to sin, whereas a restrained mouth is a sign of wisdom. At the very least, one might be considered wise—even if he is not—with a little less talking. As Goldsworthy points out, “Ironically, the fool who has the wit to keep silent shows at least some potential for wisdom” (Tree of Life, 131).

There are at least two key reasons for restraining your mouth. First, control of the tongue protects you from impulsive speech. If you are rash with your words, you can do much damage. Once the words are out there, you cannot get them back. How many of us have come to understand this truth the hard way? How has talking before you listen or talking before you think affected your marriage, your children, your friendships, or your job? Murphy and Huwiler helpfully point out, “Human nature being what it is, garrulousness leads to all kinds of blunders” (Proverbs, 51).^[37] Do you want to be a fool who ruins his relationships? Then talk too much!

The second reason to restrain your tongue is because it will prevent you from self-confident speech. Proverbs evaluates self-confident speech as foolishness. Self-confident speech is defined as loving to hear yourself talk or always having to give your own opinion on a matter. Proverbs 18:2 says, “A fool does not delight in understanding, but only wants to show off his opinions.” Longman explains,

The verse suggests that fools are again only interested in their own desires and ideas . . . [they do not] want to listen to people with competence. They only want to blurt out what is on their minds. (Proverbs, 354)

Do you have a hard time listening to other people? Are you always confident in your evaluations of the matter? Do you think everyone else should listen to you? Do you have a hard time engaging in actual conversations because you are waiting for the other person to take a breath so you can start talking? Then you might be a fool!

If you want to be a fool, speak before you listen. Also, speak more than you listen. But if you want to be wise, be slow to speak and quick to listen.

Proverbs 12:5

Not only does the fool usually listen only to himself, and not only does the fool speak more than he listens; but when the fool finally decides to listen to someone else, he listens to another fool! When you finally listen to someone else, it is only to unwise, ungodly counsel. For many people this means surrounding themselves with “yes men” who will simply tell them what they want to hear. So ask yourself these questions: Do you surround yourself with people who tell you what you want to hear, but not what you need to hear? Is there anyone in your life who has the freedom to lovingly criticize you or tell you no?

Proverbs 12:5 states, “The thoughts of the righteous are just, but guidance from the wicked is deceitful.” Unwise counsel will be deceitful because it will not tell you the way things really are. It will not lead you on the best course. It will get you off track. Unfortunately, Solomon pleaded with his son over and over to listen to wise counsel so that he could be a good king; but his son, Rehoboam, did not heed the advice of his father. Instead, Rehoboam listened to his peers—who told him what he wanted to hear—rather than listen to the elders who gave him good counsel, and it ruined his kingdom (1 Kgs 12). Today, people get bad counsel all the time from coworkers or friends. When they have struggles in their marriage because of something their husbands have done, sometimes their coworkers will say things like, “Just dump the loser!” That is hardly the godly advice that one needs to hear to make a marriage work. Proverbs 14:7 warns, “Stay away from a foolish person; you will gain no knowledge from his speech.” Wisdom is not just the ability to listen, but it is also the ability to discern whom or what to listen to and what to receive or reject! The criteria for this discernment will be the answer to this question: Is this counsel consistent with God’s Word?

Let’s make a disclaimer at this point. There is a potential problem in even bringing this discernment up because when we say discernment is required, all of a sudden we “discern” that anyone who disagrees with our opinion on the matter is unwise and should not be heeded. Again, that is because we deceive ourselves and close our minds to counsel. If the person is willing to tell us what we need to hear, even if it is uncomfortable, and if their counsel runs consistent with the Bible, then you can be fairly confident that you need to listen to it. And even if you are not sure, you can always ask the question and ponder, “Is there something I need to hear here?”

Unfortunately, we are amazed by how often ungodly, unbiblical counsel can come from other Christians. I ( Jon) once knew an elderly lady who began a relationship with an unbeliever who had multiple failed marriages. They wanted to get married, but their pastor was reluctant because the groom was not a Christian and because of his past failures. They liked each other and were lonely living by themselves, so they wanted to move in together while they waited for a pastor who would marry them. All of her Christian friends told her to go ahead and move in with the guy. They said at her age it was not that big a deal. That is an obvious example of unbiblical counsel, but we all can be guilty of the same thing. Whenever you are listening to counsel, if your situation is seen as an exception clause to the biblical testimony, then you can bet that it is not godly advice. People love to follow God’s Word when it suits them, but we always think our situation is the exception. It’s not! Do not let anyone tell you otherwise!

There are two things we need in order to be wise in this area of life. We need Jesus, and we need his body, the church. We need a relationship with Christ and to listen to his Word. Plus, we need brothers and sisters in our lives who can call us out and tell us the truth in love (Eph 4:15).

Proverbs has revealed to us that wisdom is personal. If you recognize a pattern of foolishness in your life in the area of not listening enough or talking too much, it reveals a problem with Jesus. Not listening to counsel and talking too much is a spiritual, gospel issue. It reveals some issue—most likely that you do not recognize just how great a sinner you are! You do not really believe that you are prone to self-deception. Instead, you have set yourself up as god of your own life.

If you have a proper spiritual life, you become progressively holy—more like Christ—as you walk with and submit to him. One of the ways you can tell if you are becoming more holy is if you can successfully receive a rebuke and make a correction in your life. After all, Jesus could remain silent when he needed to be quiet. And Jesus knew how to grow in wisdom by listening to the teachers in the temple (Luke 2:46,52). If you are not growing in your ability to listen to wise counsel and measure your words, something is wrong in your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Not growing in Christlikeness in this area of your life will have nasty consequences. It might ruin your reputation because you just will not listen to correction and you will continue to make the same mistakes. You might wreck your family because you think they are all wrong and you could not possibly be. You could get fired from your job because you think your supervisor’s evaluation is crazy. Do you want to be a fool and ruin your life? Then listen only to yourself, talk more than you listen, surround yourself with people who will only tell you what you want to hear, and have the attitude, “This is who I am, and I’m not gonna change!” That is deadly.

The antidote is Jesus. Recognize your foolishness here, confess it to the Lord, and ask him for the wisdom that he gives generously. Ask Jesus to enable you to listen and measure words in the power of the Holy Spirit. Jesus is the Wisdom of God who has become wisdom for you and can make you wise. Read and listen to God’s Word to gain wisdom. You will recognize that you are not always right and you need to submit to God’s truth.

You also need Christ’s body; you need a community of faith. In the church, you live life together and depend on each other. Proverbs is clear that associating with fools will make you foolish, but uniting with the wise will make you wise. Therefore, you need to be in relationships with other Christians who are seeking to walk with Jesus. You need to give these brothers and sisters freedom to speak into your life, just as you have freedom to speak into theirs.

When you are faced with a tough decision, you do not want to seek counsel from those who will simply tell you what you want to hear. You need to be able to ask, “Who are the godliest people I know, and what do they think about this?” Do not adopt a “me and Jesus” approach to decision making. That is foolish because it’s usually more “me” than Jesus.

Recognize how easily you deceive yourself, and thus restrain your mouth and listen to godly counsel in your local church. You may have a long prayer by yourself each morning, and you may be involved in three mid-week Bible studies, and you might even serve on a deacon body, but whether or not you can listen to the counsel of others and control your tongue tells you a lot about your relationship with Christ.