Manhood

Proverbs 13:22 et al.

Main Idea: A real man loves Jesus, his wife, his kids, and discipline.

1. A Real Man Loves Jesus.
2. A Real Man Loves (and Leads) His Wife.
3. A Real Man Loves (and Leads) His Children.
4. A Real Man Loves Discipline.

When it comes to the topic of what it really means to be a man, we are fighting against cultural errors, even in the Christian sub­culture. Some people erroneously think manhood means machismo. They think a real man loves UFC, beer guzzling, conquests, and bravado. Others think manhood does not really matter. They would rather talk about personhood. A real man can be a kind of genderless androgyne because the sexes are equal not only in essence but also in function.

Added to that confusion is the extended adolescence of our culture. Instead of young men moving out of their parents’ house, finishing their education, getting a job to pay bills, marrying a woman, and beginning to have children in their twenties, they are now staying at home longer and starting these adult activities much later in their twenties, or even in their thirties. There are a bunch of middle-aged boys living in their parents’ basement playing video games all day.

These contrasting pictures of manhood have been around since the fall in Eden (Gen 3). Since sin entered the world, men are prone to be domineering or passive. Adam stood by passively while his wife was taken advantage of, and then passed the buck to her when God called him to give an account. Part of the curse of sin is that now husbands will want to rule their wives in a harsh and domineering way (Gen 3:16). That sin nature has been passed down to us, and now it is celebrated in our culture!

We have no real shot at being real men. After all, what does that even mean? You might even ask, “Shouldn’t we want to be godly men instead of real men?” Those two are the same thing. Being a real man means being the man God intended you to be both by creation and by redemption. Obviously we have all fallen miserably short of God’s design. But, thank God, one man did not—Jesus. We must look to him to see what it means to be a real man. Jesus is what it means to be the man God intended us to be, and that is the picture of manhood presented in Proverbs. Proverbs is a man (a dad) telling another man (a son) how to be a mature man. And Jesus is the one who lived this out. Jesus is the one who grew in wisdom, stature, and favor with God and with people (Luke 2:52). Therefore, only through Jesus can we see what real manhood is and live it out.

This message is not just for men. Children need to hear it because boys need to aspire to be this kind of man and girls need to learn what to look for in a man. Single women need this message because they need to know the kind of man they should want to marry. Wives need this message because this is who they need to pray for and help their men to become. And yes, husbands and fathers need this message because they need to know what to be and what to model for their girls (how godly men treat women) and for their boys (how they should treat women).

It is vital that we get this because the consequences of not being a real man are catastrophic, as we see all around us in our broken culture. If you do not learn to become this kind of man, you can destroy your marriage, your family, your career, and your reputation. You will miss out on the joy God has planned for you. God tells you how the world works because he loves you and wants the best for you. So what is a real man according to Proverbs?

A Real Man Loves Jesus

This first point runs the risk of alienating men. What guy wants to hear that he needs to love another guy? In some ways, this is a problem in Christianity. Lots of churches have a mushy or sappy sentimentality that turns guys off. Many men think the church has been feminized or that it is only suited for women and children. We can even play into this with praise songs that almost sound like we are singing to Jesus like a girl would sing to her boyfriend. Lyrics like “I want to touch you” do not resonate with most men. Even hymns like “In the Garden” by C. Austin Miles play into this. What guy would normally sing about going to a garden alone with their buddy? Put your friend’s name in the lyrics:

I come to the garden alone,

while the dew is still on the roses,

and the voice I hear falling on my ear,

my buddy David discloses.

And David walks with me, and David talks with me,

and David tells me I am his own;

and the joy David and I share as we tarry there,

none other has ever known.

David speaks, and the sound of his voice

is so sweet the birds hush their singing. . . .

It is kind of creepy!

On the other hand, we do need to recover masculine love where men have deep relationships with one another. When I say that real men “love” Jesus, I mean that Jesus was a real man who laid his life down for you, and you need to honor him and follow him.

What does this look like in Proverbs? It looks like loving the word of God. Proverbs 13:13 says, “Whoever despises the word brings destruction on himself, but he who reveres the commandment will be rewarded” (ESV). Do you revere the Word of God? Do you read it on your own—not just in church? Do you study it, listen attentively in the corporate gathering, and engage in Bible study? Loving Jesus also looks like confession of sin. Proverbs 28:13 says, “The one who conceals his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy.”^[34] You love Jesus by confessing your sin, repenting of it, and trusting in the gospel. Love of Jesus also looks like trusting the Lord (3:5-6). Wisdom is a person—Jesus Christ—so you need to be in a personal relationship with him by faith. He will make you wise in daily life. You cannot be a real man without loving Jesus!

A Real Man Loves (and Leads) His Wife

According to Ephesians 5, a man is called to play the role of Christ in the life of his wife. We are called to sacrificially love and lead our wives. One of the main ways that Proverbs lays this out is in the area of keeping your covenant commitment to your spouse. Your vows are promises, and real men keep their word.

Solomon repeatedly warns his son about the danger of unfaithfulness (chs. 2; 5; 6; 7). Truly being faithful to your covenant commitment means you are faithful both outwardly and inwardly. Jesus tells us that even lust is a betrayal (Matt 5:27-30). This leads men to be traitors against their wives (Prov 23:26-28).

As we see elsewhere in Proverbs, there are two main ways that you can be pulled away: communication and attraction. Real men are not the flirty guy because that is dangerous. Real men do not have things like a “work wife” that they flirt with in the office. That is stupid and ridiculous. Real men do not wonder about their old high school girlfriend and message her on Facebook. Real men guard their communication with the opposite sex.

Also, real men do not watch shows, movies, or things on the Internet that will cause their hearts to lust for a woman who is not their wife. Real men also do not give unfettered access to a smartphone to their pubescent sons, which basically trains them in being turned on by porn. Stay in your teenager’s business and do not give them privacy when it comes to “their” phone because it is not theirs! Even if your son says, “I will pay for the phone,” you should reply, “Until you pay for the house you are using it in, you don’t get privacy!” Porn destroys marriages because it warps our minds. It makes a man view sex in a selfish way and the opposite sex as an object. This is true both before and during marriage. Be vigilant to view the opposite sex the way God wants you to view them, and fight for purity of mind.

Guard your heart from unfaithfulness by watching out for communication and attraction that might pull your heart away. Heed the warning. Also, employ the positive strategy laid out by Proverbs. Have a strong relationship with God’s Wisdom—Jesus Christ. And have a strong “offense” in your marriage relationship (5:15-20) (Longman, Proverbs, 161). Romance your wife. Be intimate with her. Be her best friend because real men love their wives.

A Real Man Loves (and Leads) His Children

Real men love their children and show that love by teaching them. Teach them the Bible, teach them right from wrong, and teach them everyday wisdom. Teach them to throw a baseball, drive a car, do a job interview, tie a tie, and a hundred other things.

Real men love their children by disciplining them and attempting to rescue them from hell. Proverbs 13:24 says, “The one who will not use the rod hates his son, but the one who loves him disciplines him diligently.” A real man does not abdicate his role here and become passive like Adam. Too many men do. You need to lovingly correct your children so they know the right path.

Real men love their children by working hard to provide for their family. Real men are not lazy! When I ( Jon) was growing up, my pastor told me that he would drive his daughters down to the poorest areas of town and say, “If you marry a lazy bum with no work ethic, you will live here.” That may seem like a strange strategy, but Paul says that men who do not provide for their families are worse than unbelievers (1 Tim 5:8)! Proverbs 12:11 says, “The one who works his land will have plenty of food, but whoever chases fantasies lacks sense.” If you work hard, you will be able to provide enough for your family. And through a good work ethic and the wise handling of money, a real man can leave an inheritance for his children (Prov 13:22).

A Real Man Loves Discipline

One of the main teachings of Proverbs is that real men know how to control their appetites for sex, money, power, status, food, and alcohol. A real man is self-controlled! Proverbs 25:28 says, “A person who does not control his temper is like a city whose wall is broken down.” A city like that is vulnerable to any kind of attack (Garrett, Proverbs, 211). The devil loves to prey on men who are weak like this. He has destroyed many men through their appetites. In contrast, the Spirit of Jesus produces self-control in your life (Gal 5:22-23).

Real men are disciplined when it comes to pride. They know how to be humble because God gives grace to the humble (Prov 3:34). Men have an appetite, according to Proverbs, to always be right in their own eyes. Men are often headstrong. The prideful fool is right in his own eyes and will not listen to what other people have to say (12:15). The antidote is to trust the Lord and receive wise counsel from him and others!

Real men discipline their mouths because a babbling fool will come to ruin (10:8). Proverbs 21:23 says, “The one who guards his mouth and tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” What does this look like in Proverbs? Do not be a bragger (27:2), dishonest (26:28), or someone who breaks confidence (20:19).

Real men control their desire for money. They are content (30:8-9). They are honest workers who earn their money the right way (11:1; 16:11; 20:10,23; 22:16). They are generous to the poor (14:21). And they have an eternal perspective, knowing that money and things are temporary and do not last forever (23:4-5).

Real men control their tempers. They are not harsh or quarrelsome. Certainly manliness is not cowardice, but it is not harshness either. Biblical manhood is tough enough to be patient and forgiving. Proverbs 16:32 highly commends men who control their tempers: “Patience is better than power, and controlling one’s emotions, than capturing a city.” A real man is slow to anger with his wife, his children, his neighbors, his coworkers, and in traffic! A real man is also not quarrel­some. He does not love to argue and stir things up (20:3; 26:21). He is gentle with his words, especially toward his wife and children (15:1). Men need to be paradoxical here in some ways. Do not be a sissy—be able to rebuke men. But also be able to lead your wife and children gently. Real men can rebuke when they need to, stand their ground, not be tossed around by others’ opinions, and not be easily led astray. They can also cool tension, lower the temperature in a heated situation, and be kind. Jesus could drive out the money changers with a whip as well as put children who just had to see him on his lap!

Finally, real men are not controlled by what others think about them. Proverbs 29:25 says, “The fear of mankind is a snare, but the one who trusts in the Lord is protected.” Real men care more about what God thinks about them than what others do. Peer pressure causes stupid men to do stupid things, but real men are not controlled by it. They do not follow the crowd! They follow Jesus!

Conclusion

To sum up what a real man does, I want to show you a little blog article I ran across titled “A Daughter Needs a Dad” as a good way to capture this message in a list. A daughter needs a dad for many reasons:

1. To show her that true love is unconditional [like Jesus’s love for us]
2. To teach her that her value as a person is more than the way she looks
3. To teach her that family is more important than work
4. To show her that a man can be trustworthy
5. To be the safe spot she can always turn to
6. To teach her that a man’s strength is not the force of his hands or his voice, but the kindness of his heart
7. To be the standard against which she will judge all men
8. To help her take risks that will build her confidence
9. To hold her when she cries
10. To teach her she is important by stopping what he is doing to watch her

So men, run to Jesus, submit to him, and this is the kind of man he will help you become! And women, do not beat up your men over this. Pray for them and play your role because only Jesus can change your man!

Reflect and Discuss

1. How does the world view what a real man is?
2. Why do you think men are prolonging adolescence?
3. How has the church feminized Christianity in many ways? What effect do you think this has on men?
4. What are some things you can actively do to love Jesus?
5. What are some ways that you can proactively and practically guard your marriage?
6. What are some practical things that men need to teach their children?
7. What are some things on the list of what daughters need that dads typically struggle with?
8. How can men fight against the temptation to be controlled by what other men think of them?
9. In what ways can men teach their children a strong work ethic?
10. What are some ways that men can battle against having a quick temper?