Men Are from Earth and Women Are from Earth (Part 2): So Deal with the Different Foxes

Blowing across my life.

The greatest words I never heard

I guess I'll never hear.

The man I thought could never die

Been dead almost a year.

He was good at business,

But there was business left to do.

He never said he loved me, guess he thought I knew. 4

God designed children with a need both for a dad and a mom (Eph 6:1-4; Col 3:20-21). They need both because their parents bring different abilities and gifts into the dynamics of family life. God designed mothers to nurture and provide the emotional support that is necessary for the healthy development of a child. Fathers provide strength and a child's sense of self-worth and security. Amazingly, even the simple presence of the man in the home can make a tremendous impact on the life of a child. That's why the death of a father is so hurtful. But the loss of a father by divorce is utterly tragic. One of my favorite theologians is Erma Bombeck. In her book Family—the Ties That Bind ... and Gag! she illustrates beautifully the importance that the presence of a father can make in the life of a child:

One morning my father didn't get up and go to work. He went to the hospital and died the next day.

I hadn't thought that much about him before. He was just someone who left and came home and seemed glad to see everyone at night. He opened the jar of pickles when no one 84else could. He was the only one in the house who wasn't afraid to go into the basement by himself.

He cut himself shaving, but no one kissed it or got excited about it. It was understood when it rained, he got the car and brought it around to the door. When anyone was sick, he went to get the prescription filled. He took lots of pictures ... but he was never in them.

Whenever I played house, the Mother doll had a lot to do. I never knew what to do with the Daddy doll, I had him say, "I'm going off to work now" and threw him under the bed.

The funeral was in our living room and a lot of people came and brought all kinds of good food and cakes. We had never had so much company before.

[Later,] I went to my room and felt under the bed for the Daddy doll. When I found him, I dusted him off and put him on my bed.

He never did anything. I didn't know his leaving would hurt so much. (Bombeck, Family, 2-3)

A friend of mine said, "A child loves his or her mother, but they live for their father." Proverbs 17:6 reminds us, "The glory of children is their fathers" (ESV).

Yes, daddies are important to the well-being of their children, but so are their mothers. We live in a day when motherhood is not held in the high esteem that it once was. Unfortunately, many women have mistakenly sacrificed the gift of motherhood and the joy of childbearing for a career and other enticements that in the long run will never deliver the joy and blessings that rearing children provides.

Several years ago someone sent me an article where one woman is speaking to another. I doubt I have ever read anything that seemed to capture in such a powerful fashion the greatness and importance of motherhood. I think every woman who reads these words will probably need a tissue at the end of the story.

Time is running out for my friend. While we are sitting at lunch, she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." What she means is that her 85biological clock has begun its countdown, and she is being forced to consider the prospect of motherhood.

"We're taking a survey," she says half joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say carefully, keeping my tone neutral.

"I know," she says. "No more spontaneous vacations...."

But that is not what I mean at all, and I try to decide what to tell her.

I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes: that the physical wounds of childbearing heal, but that becoming a mother will leave an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking "What if that had been my child?" That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "MOM!" will cause her to drop her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. Oh, she might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting, and she will think about her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her child is all right.

I want my friend to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a 5-year-old boy's desire to go to the men's restroom rather than the women's at a restaurant will become a major dilemma. That issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that men's restroom. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

86Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life now, so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also hope for more years—not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his.

My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the ways she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his son or daughter. I think she should know that she will fall in love with her husband all over again, but for reasons she would now find very unromantic....

I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to hit a baseball. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.

My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I say finally. Then reaching across the table, and squeezing my friend's hand, I offer a silent prayer for her and me and all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this holiest of callings. (Bourke, "Motherhood")

Practical Applications from Song of Songs 2:15

Let's draw our attention to one area where men and women are different: the area of sex. Repeatedly we need to do some good, hard thinking about this good gift from our great God.

If only because one of them is a man and the other a woman, married couples usually have quite different attitudes and approaches to sex. Furthermore, many people may come to marriage with varying beliefs and expectations. Below is a tool5 designed to open up discussion 87about these differences. Take it with your spouse and see what you can learn about each other.

Men and women, husbands and wives, as we have seen over and over, are different by design. There is complementarity in a biblical marriage. There are also challenges. Sin puts stress on our relationship. Sometimes the "battle of the sexes" erupts. Women, in particular, are susceptible to emotional swings and outbursts. The life-changing power of the gospel, as they are being conformed to the image of Christ, is essential for their protection against the little foxes (Rom 8:29). A confidence that nothing can separate a wife from the love of Christ (Rom 8:35-39) is essential as she wages war against these little villains that only desire to harm her and her marriage.

This confidence in the love of her shepherd-king frees her to be a "woman of the Spirit." The fruit one finds in her vineyard is not immorality, impurity, idolatry, hatred, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, or selfish ambitions (Gal 5:19-20). No, the fruit we find in this "Eden regained and more" is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control (Gal 5:22-23). These holy repellants send the little foxes scurrying. They flee the vineyard because they cannot abide by the fragrance of these gospel fruits.

Little foxes, little sins, are no match for the power of the gospel lived out by two spouses transformed by the grace of God. The love it gives is so great, "mighty waters cannot extinguish it" (Song 8:7), and little foxes cannot destroy it. The Christ-characteristics of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 provide a protection that is other-worldly! These are wonderful verses to bring this study to a close:

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

This is the vineyard cultivated by my Shepherd-King-Bridegroom!

"The Greatest Man I Ever Knew," written by Richard C. Leigh and Laying Martine © 1991 EMI April Music Inc. & Lion-Hearted Music & Publisher(s) Unknown. All rights on behalf of EMI April Music Inc. & Lion-Hearted Music administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC., 424 Church Street, Nashville, TN 37219. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Adapted from Sexual Fulfillment in Marriage: A Multimedia Learning Kit by Clifford and Joyce Penner, Family Concern, Inc., 1977.