The Kind of Woman Every Man Wants

8. Give each other permission to change. Pay attention. If you aren't learning something new about each other every week or two, you simply aren't observing closely enough. You are focusing on other things more than one another. Bored couples fail to update how they view each other. They act as though the roles they assigned and assumed early in the relationship will remain forever comfortable. Remain constantly abreast of each other's dreams, fears, goals, disappointments, hopes, regrets, wishes, and fantasies. People continue to trust those people who know them best and who love and accept them.

9. Have fun together. Human beings usually fall in love with the ones who make them laugh, who make them feel good on the inside. They stay in love with those who make them feel safe enough to come out to play. Keep delight a priority. Put your creative energy into making 170yourselves joyful and producing a relationship that regularly feels like recess.

10. Make yourself trustworthy. People come to trust the ones who affirm them. They learn to distrust those who act as if a relationship were a continual competition over who is right and who gets their way. Always act as if each of you has thoughts, impressions, and preferences that make sense, even if your opinions or needs differ. Realize your spouse's perceptions will always contain at least some truth, maybe more than yours, and validate those truths before adding your perspective to the discussion.

11. Forgive and forget. Don't be too hard on each other. If your passion and love are to survive, you must learn how to forgive. Ephesians 4:32 must always be front and center. You and your spouse regularly need to wipe the slate clean so that anger doesn't build and resentment fester. Holding on to hurts and hostility will block real intimacy. It will only assure that no matter how hard you otherwise work at it, your relationship will not grow. Do what you can to heal the wounds in a relationship, even if you did not cause them. Be compassionate about the fact that neither of you intended to hurt the other as you set out on this journey.

12. Cherish and applaud. One of the most fundamental ingredients in the intimacy formula is cherishing each other. You need to celebrate each other's presence. If you don't give your spouse admiration, applause, appreciation, acknowledgement, the benefit of the doubt, encouragement, and the message that you are happy to be there with them now, where will they receive those gifts? Be generous. Be gracious. One of the most painful mistakes a couple can make is the failure to notice their own mate's heroics. These small acts of unselfishness include taking out the trash, doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, driving the carpool, preparing the taxes, keeping track of birthdays, calling the repairman, and cleaning the bathroom, as well as hundreds of other routine labors. People are amazingly resilient if they know that they are appreciated. Work hard at noticing and celebrating daily acts of heroism by your mate (source unknown; see Akin, God on Sex, 222-26).

Song of Songs 8:1-2

These two verses can sound rather strange to modern, Western ears, but they would have been sweet music to Solomon's. They would have let him know that the love that his wife had for him was multifaceted 171and multidimensional. Their relationship is more than romantic lovemaking, though it was not less than this. Theirs is a covenantal relationship that involves loyalty, sacrifice, and most importantly, friendship. A man needs a best friend and he needs that best friend to be his wife. Shulammite evidently understood this, and so she takes the necessary steps to make it happen.

Shulammite wishes that she could treat Solomon like a blood relative, like a brother, "like one who nursed [just like she did] at my mother's breasts." If that were the case, "I would find you in public [not just in private] and kiss you, and no one would scorn [ESV, 'despise'] me."

Jack Deere again helps us unravel what we read here when he says, "In the ancient Near East public displays of affection were frowned on except in the case of certain family members" ("Song," 1023). I would point out that is still true in many places. A brother would be an acceptable candidate for public affection, even kissing, and Shulammite wishes she had the freedom anyplace and anytime to show the world her love and affection for her man. She will not reject or cast aside accepted social behavior and expectations, but she sure would like to! No, she will not subject herself or her husband to public scorn, ridicule, or contempt. She will restrain her actions, but her intention is loud and clear: Yes, you are my lover, but you are also like my brother, like my friend. Wonderfully in Christ, a husband and a wife truly are brother and sister! Such is the power and goodness of the gospel!

It seems that Shulammite begins to be playful with her husband in this verse (Deere, "Song," 1023). Assuming the role of an older sister, she tells him, "I would lead you, I would take you to the house of my mother who taught me." And once she got him there what would she do? "I would give you spiced wine to drink from my pomegranate juice." The word for "lead" in Hebrew refers to "a superior leading an inferior: a general, his army; a king, his captain; a shepherd, his sheep.... She would lead her younger brother to their common home" (Glickman, Song, 90).

Shulammite notes it was at home that she was taught and received instruction from her mother. In the context, she must mean instruction about matters of sexual intimacy and love. This is a valuable lesson, especially for those of us who are parents. "The art of preparing for love 172is best learned at home" (Carr, Song, 167). Dads and moms must take charge at appropriate times and in appropriate ways in teaching their children about the birds and the bees. They cannot leave this vital task in the hands of others. They dare not entrust it to a locker room and girlfriend talk. Dads must instruct their sons and mothers must guide their daughters. This does not mean dads have no part in training their daughters or moms in assisting their sons, but gender often will play a role in who takes the lead with whom.

Shulammite informs Solomon of some things she learned from her mother. "Spiced wine," special wine, would be on their lover's menu as well as the juice of her pomegranate. "An ancient Egyptian love poem identifies a wife's breasts with the fruit of the pomegranate" (Carr, Song, 157). Duane Garrett points out that the reference to her "mother's house" could easily be a euphemism for the intimate sexual parts of the woman (Proverbs, 425). That the overtones of her words are sensual and erotic is undeniable. The joy of lovemaking that they share does not wane. It grows more intensive and creative as their marriage progresses. And much of the credit lies at the feet of Shulammite.

Song of Songs 8:3-4

In an article entitled "Nourishing Your Love," Marie Pierson advises women on how to touch a man's heart. Her six suggestions:

It appears Shulammite understands these suggestions quite well. She knows how to love her man in ways he will understand and appreciate. Two things, in particular, stand out in these final verses of our study.

"His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me." Solomon gently and tenderly is holding and caressing his wife. Perhaps they have just finished making love and they rest in each other's arms in the afterglow of the moment. He does not leap out of bed and run downstairs for a snack. She doesn't slip out of bed to make a quick phone call, nor does she rush out of the room to attend to unfinished chores. They simply lie there loving each other and holding each other. They are tender in their affections. We have been here before (cf. 2:6). By God's goodness and grace they will return here again and again and again. He longed to hold and caress her. She was delighted and happy to receive those caresses.

For the third and final time (cf. 2:7; 3:5) the importance of the proper time and the proper person for lovemaking is addressed. Obviously God believes timing is important. First, the right time for lovemaking is only in marriage between a man and a woman. Second, within marriage, timing and sensitivity to the needs and feelings of our mate is crucial as we build and nurture affection and romance. Shulammite declares both her convictions concerning this issue and her commitment. Song of Songs 8:10-12 will bear eloquent witness that she indeed lived out what she believed. She blessed her husband on their wedding night with a chaste and pure bride who would give herself to her husband passionately until separated by death.

Some popular pundits say that modern Christian advice concerning sex dates back to 1973 and a book by Marabel Morgan entitled The Total Woman. Actually, advice for Christians concerning sex goes all the way back to the book of Genesis when, prior to the fall, Adam and Eve "were naked, yet felt no shame" (Gen 2:25). We find the climax of God's counsel in the Song of Songs. Here we discover that our God says sex and romance are good in marriage. Indeed they are essential. It is encouraging to see that more and more Christians "see sex more as a gift to be enjoyed within marriage than as an evil to be endured or avoided," and that "an orthodox view of romance, courtship, and sexuality" may be the best road to sexual satisfaction (Michael, Gagnon, Laumann, and Kolata, Sex in America, 113). Solomon worked at doing his part. In these verses we have seen Shulammite doing her part. My only regret to this discovery is this: Why hasn't it always been this way? After all, God's plan 174for the Christian bedroom has never changed. It is a good thing. It is a great thing. Yes, it is a God thing.

The love shared by our couple in this Song is a wonderful thing to behold. It truly is "new as well as old" (7:13). Below are some biblical principles to help our love never to grow stale, always to be fresh. There is some very good discussion material here.

(or, How to Measure Love)

There are two ideas in this passage that naturally lead us to meditate on what we have in Messiah Jesus. One we see directly and the other by contrast.

First, Shulammite says she wishes she could treat her shepherd-king like her brother, like a very close intimate friend. Well, the good news of the gospel is that not only can our Shepherd-King Jesus be treated like a brother, He is our brother! In Hebrews 2:11 we are told that those who have been saved and call God their Father have a Savior who also, "is not ashamed to call them brothers" (also Heb 2:12, 17). What a wonderful truth! The One who is my Savior, Lord, Master, and King is also my brother. I have a brother who is a King! He is my King. What Shulammite wishes for in Solomon we have in Jesus.

Second, Shulammite informs Solomon she would be delighted if she could take him home "to the house of my mother" (8:2). Here is a bride taking the bridegroom to her home. Well, for those who are in Christ, just the opposite will someday take place. The Bridegroom will take His bride to His home, to an eternal home He has prepared just for her. In John 14:1-3 the Lord Jesus said to His disciples, "Your heart must not be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if not, I would have told you. I am going away to prepare a place for you. If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come back and receive you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also." What amazing grace! I truly do "belong to my love, and his desire is for me" (Song 7:10). He has redeemed me and some day He will take me to His house—"His Father's house"—where we will live together forever and ever. With His left hand under my head and His right arm embracing me (8:3), I am safe and secure. He will never let me go. This is our brother. This is our lover. This is the great Shepherd-King who has a love for us that "mighty waters cannot extinguish" (8:7). This bride in our text is remarkable indeed. She is what she is because her king loves her the way that he does. One question remains: Do you want to go home and live forever with King Jesus? He is preparing a home for all who do, and someday He will take us there.