There Is Power in Praising Your Spouse

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A number of years ago I read a book that had a profound effect on my life as a husband and a father. The book is The Gift of the Blessing by Gary Smalley and John Trent. In it they provide both biblical and practical advice on how we can bless rather than curse the relationships of life, how we can build up rather than tear down those we love and care for. When it comes to our mate, their counsel is invaluable. They explain how God has put each of us together in such a way that we have emotional and physical needs that can only be met by acceptance of intrinsic worth, affirmation, encouragement, and unconditional love. We all have the desire and need to receive "the blessing" from others. "Others" include our heavenly Father, but it should also include our spouse. Neither is to be excluded if we are to receive true holistic blessings. They then point out that the essential elements of the blessing include five things:

1. A meaningful touch. This includes handholding, hugging, kissing, and all types of bodily contact that have the purpose of communicating love and affection.
2. A spoken word. This element can demonstrate love and a sense of worth by the time involved and the message(s) delivered. Its repetitive nature is crucial.
3. Expression of high value. This involves our passing along a message to others that affirms their intrinsic worth as a person. Praising them as valuable is the key idea.
4. 24Picturing a special future. This is the prophetic aspect of the blessing. What do our words tell others we believe the future holds for them? How do our present descriptions (nicknames) of others lay the foundation for future attitudes and actions on their part? How often it is that children, in particular, fulfill the earlier expectations and predictions of a parent and friends, for good or ill? Positive words of encouragement regarding future possibilities are those that will bless rather than curse.
5. An active commitment to see the blessing come to pass. This characteristic is both God-ward and man-ward. God-wardly, we are to commit others to His blessing and will. Man-wardly, we are personally to make the commitment to spend whatever time, energy, and resources are necessary to bless others.1

This list makes it clear that blessing our mate involves both words and actions. It includes what we say and what we do.

In Song of Songs 1:9-14 both words and actions are in view, but our words are especially emphasized. Solomon wants us to understand a vitally important truth when it comes to a healthy and growing marriage: there is power in praising your spouse. Words matter and they matter a lot. The Roman orator Cicero said, "We are all influenced by a desire of praise" ("Speech for Aulus," XI.26). Solomon would agree, and so he puts together two striking poems of admiration. The first (1:9-11) is spoken by the shepherd-king in praise of his lovely and much-valued lady. The second is voiced by the "most beautiful of women" (1:8) to her exceptional and much desired man (1:12-14). There is tremendous wisdom in these few verses. There are also some very interesting images and metaphors we will need to unpack. Be prepared to laugh and blush!

Tell Her How Valuable She Is to You

Song of Songs 1:9-11

The scene shifts from verse 8 to verse 9. We move from the simple shepherd's field to the magnificent world of the Egyptian Pharaoh. 25Solomon has been sensitive (see Eph 5:28-29) to Shulammite's insecurities concerning her appearance (Song 1:5-6) and his absence (v. 7). He addressed both of them in verse 8, telling her she is the "most beautiful of women" and also giving her guidance in how she can find him.

However, and this is important, he did not stop there. He continues to talk with her in verses 9-11 with words of praise that would bring joy to her heart and blessing to her soul. He wants her to know she is the best! There is no girl like his girl! No lady can compare to his lady!

As we walk through these verses there is something that we must not miss: the words and gifts of Solomon are genuine and from the heart. He is not trying to bribe her or buy her. He desires to bless her and to do so in a way that speaks to her heart. Solomon had learned, or was at least in the process of learning, to speak her "love language." Gary Chapman, in The Five Love Languages, points out that we all speak at least one of five love languages. Some are even equipped to speak several, and with varying dialects! However, it is rare that a husband and wife speak the same love language. After all, opposites do attract. Dr. Chapman identifies the five love languages as:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Receiving Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

The following verses will leap with personal applications if we will keep this insight in mind. As a couple grows in their knowledge of one another, they will also learn to hear, understand, appreciate, show love to, and respond to one another.

Tell Her There Is No One Like Her (Song 1:9-10)

Solomon told Shulammite she was the "most beautiful of women" in verse 8. Now he calls her "my darling" (ESV, "my love"; REB, "my dearest"), something he will do repeatedly—nine times—throughout the Song (cf. 1:15; 2:2, 10, 13; 4:1, 7; 5:2; 6:4). The word communicates to her his commitment and devotion, his delight and pleasure in her. Her step-brothers may have mistreated her (1:6), but he will honor her both in word and in action.

She is his darling and so he compares her "to a mare among Pharaoh's chariots." You have got to be kidding! Is he serious?! Yes he 26is, and she would have clearly understood and appreciated the compliment in the cultural context of that day. Pharaoh's chariot horses would have all been stallions. A mare would have been beautiful, noble, valued, and exceptional in their midst. She would have been a "black beauty" (cf. 1:5) that would have garnered the immediate attention of every stallion in sight! Now we see the compliment. She is like the one and only woman in a world of men, and she is a stunningly beautiful woman at that. She is priceless! No one is like her. She is a choice and valued bride.

In verse 10 Solomon focuses on certain specific features that cause her to stand out: "Your cheeks are beautiful with jewelry, your neck with its necklace." The bridles of Pharaoh's chariot horses were often adorned with beautiful jewelry and Solomon may still have the image of a stately mare in mind. This man notices the things that enhance her natural beauty, and he tells her what they are. These adornments do not make her beautiful, they complement her beauty. Tom Gledhill suggests, "Her rounded cheeks are enhanced by large circular ear-rings which emphasize the roundness of her face. Her neck is decorated by row upon row of strings of brightly colored beads. This enhances her height, her stateliness, as well as giving a slight hint of inaccessibility and protection" (Gledhill, Message, 112; emphasis in original). In Solomon's opinion, there is no one like her. No one compares. She has no equal. And he tells her so! There is power in his praise of his partner.

Tell Her No Cost Is Too Great to Honor Her (Song 1:11)

No price tag can be put on the one to whom God knits our hearts (cf. 8:6-7). Solomon will withhold no good thing from the one he loves. He will see to it that she is further honored with gold jewelry accented with silver. The most valued metals are not too good or costly to be showered on her. Richard Hess nails it: "Whatever the cost, he will honor her. The focus of his love has no limits as to the cost or task that he must undertake to bless her" (Song, 67).

My friend Matt Carter loves to talk to men about how they can "win" or "win back" the hearts of their wives. His counsel is good advice for any man, and it reflects the wisdom of these verses in the Song of Songs:

1. I will tame my tongue. When it comes to my wife, I need to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.
2. I will talk to my wife the way I would if a special and important person were visiting my home.
3. 27I will always be upbeat and positive in my interactions with my wife. I am not called to critique her. I am called to love and accept her.
4. I won't use my words to try to take from her. I will just give and bless, thinking about what she needs, not what I need.
5. I will strive to serve my wife every day.
6. I will win my wife's heart so she, in turn, will want to be mine.
7. Just as divorce is not an option with me, I want that same reality to be true for negativity or harshness with my wife. It is not an option for me to be harsh with my wife. Not under any circumstance. Ever.
8. I will sow seeds of righteousness by consistently committing to walk with the Lord. God will give me the power to bear this fruit and love my wife wholeheartedly. (McCoy and Carter, Real Win, 149-50)

Treat your wife in this way with your words and actions and she will know that she is valued by you. She will know she has won your heart, and she will be moved to give hers to you in response.

Tell Him How Special He Is to You

Song of Songs 1:12-14

This woman knows that she is loved and valued by the man in her life. In word and action he has demonstrated his commitment and devotion to her. Now she returns the compliment without any fear or hesitation. Her confidence in his love for her frees her to love him in return with passion and sensual expressions of that love. The insecurities she felt in verses 5-8 have vanished. They have been vaporized by the love of her shepherd-king!

It is beautiful to watch the two lovers engage in a game of praise! This will go on for quite some time. What a wonderful contest for any couple to enter! Let's see who can out-praise the other! What a great way to bless and love your mate.

We must never forget a familiar but important nursery rhyme from the 1800s: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names [or words] will never hurt me." That saying is not true. Words are indeed powerful weapons with the ability to bless or curse, heal or hurt. No wonder God's Word addresses the issue so often, especially in the Proverbs. Note just ten of many:

The woman of our Song is truly a Proverbs 31 lady. Let's listen in on how she speaks, in wisdom, to her lover.

Tell Him You Desire Him (Song 1:12)

Once again Shulammite addresses her lover as "the king." He is a shepherd-king, a bridegroom-king. The king "on his couch" or "at his table" indicates a time of rest and relaxation. It could also suggest the ideas of intimacy and lovemaking as they look forward to their wedding day (3:6-11) and their wedding night (4:1-5:1). She loves him and she wants to make love to him.

Appealing to his sense of smell, she says "my perfume releases its fragrance." The word for "perfume" is the rare word "nard." It will occur again in 4:13-14, and also in the anointing of Jesus for his burial 29(Mark 14:1-9; John 12:1-8). Nard, or spikenard, was an expensive fragrance. Hess informs us,

Pure nard was a fragrance native to the Himalayan region of India.... Its scarcity and difficulty of manufacturing and transporting it a long distance made it both valuable and exotic. Perhaps this is the reason it is mentioned only three times in the Old Testament and only in the Song (4:13-14). As the most expensive of the perfumes mentioned, it also had the closest association with the king. Yet the female lover refers to it as "my nard." (Hess, Song, 69)

Carr adds that nard was in "much demand as a 'love-potion'" (Song, 85).

Shulammite is sexually aroused and seeks to elicit the same emotions in her man. And he is her king and he is worthy of a sensual and expensive display of affection. The release of her perfume and its fragrance creates an environment for lovemaking and romance. He is precious to her and much valued. She will hold nothing back.

Tell Him You Love Him (Song 1:13)

Tremper Longman notes,

This verse stretched the imagination of allegorical interpreters with its explicit sensuality. Cyril of Alexandria is at his creative best when he suggests that the verse describes what we today would call biblical theology. The breasts are the Old and New Testaments, presumably only linked by their two-ness. Jesus Christ is the sachet of myrrh. The New Testament is in the Old concealed; the Old in the New revealed. Jesus spans the testaments as the sachet spans the woman's two breasts. (Longman, Song, 106)

The ancient allegorists did indeed stretch their imaginations with some of their interpretations. However, the woman of our Song had quite an imagination herself, and her love for her man frees her to express it.

Shulammite says, "My love is a sachet of myrrh to me, spending the night between my breasts." The overtones are both intimate and sexual, picturesque and yet chaste.

Myrrh is a resinous gum gathered from a species of a South Arabian tree.... In liquid form it would be carried in small 30bottles like nard, but it was also used in solid form. This way it could be carried in a small cloth pouch or sachet and worn next to the body.... They myrrh was mixed with fat ... as the fat melted from the body heat, the aroma of the myrrh ... would fill the room. (Carr, Song, 85)

What Shulammite does here is moving. She compares her shepherd-king to this precious sweet-smelling bundle, one that lies all night between her breasts, close to her heart. "Her thoughts of him are as fragrant and refreshing as the perfume that rises before her.... She carries those fragrant thoughts of him through the night in peaceful sleep" (Glickman, "Song for Lovers," 37). Nestled between her breasts against her beating heart, there is an intimate bond of love, longing, and loyalty that cannot be broken. There is a connection, a commitment that virtually transcends words. All night long he laid his head as a precious fragrance between her breasts. She trusts him so completely, she loves him so dearly, she can make available to him the most intimate and precious parts of her body. She holds nothing back. She knows she does not need to.

Tell Him You Need Him (Song 1:14)

The woman now compares her man to a luscious and fruitful water garden, an oasis surrounded by desert. They have returned to the garden of Eden where the damaging effects of the fall are absent, nowhere in sight (see Gen 1-2). All is beautiful and fruitful. Death is outside in the desert. There is only life in this paradise for lovers.

Again Shulammite refers to Solomon as "My love." Theirs is an exclusive love relationship. He is a one-woman kind of man, and she is a one-man kind of woman. But she says more. He is refreshing, like "a cluster of henna blossoms to me, in the vineyards of En-gedi." The henna bush can reach a height of ten feet. It has thick yellow and white flowers in clusters and smells like roses. It is semitropical vegetation, and it grows at the En-gedi Oasis on the western shore of the Dead Sea, south of Jerusalem and just north of Masada. Longman notes, "Hidden and private, it is a romantic place to be sure" (Song, 106). The flowers, beautiful to see and sweet to smell, are a rare find in a desert's arid climate.

The analogy is striking. Solomon is like an oasis with its surprising pleasures and provisions in a desert. He is a rare find and therefore of inestimable value. It is as if the woman is saying, "All I have seen is a 31desert of men until I met you. You are my oasis with your beauty and fragrance. No man refreshed me until I met you. I dream about you. I think about you. I dream about us. I think about us. You are truly all I need. The very thought of you is a continual source of mental, physical, sensual, and spiritual pleasure. No man can make me feel like you make me feel." Here is passion that flows from praise. Passion in the bedroom is always preceded by passion in all the other rooms. Once again we see there is power in praising your spouse.

Practical Applications from Song of Songs 1:9-14

Abraham Lincoln said, "The success of a marriage depends not only on having the right partner, but on being the right partner" (McRae, Preparing, 86). Part of being the right mate is developing the art of praising your mate, loving her with your lips, "wowing" him with your words.

Steve Stephens says, "A healthy marriage is a safe haven from the tensions of everyday life. We need to hear positive things from our mate" ("37 Things," 177). He then shares 37 things we can and should say to our mate in order to bless, build up, encourage, and "wow" them! I love his list, and how I pray this will be the normal and regular vocabulary of marriages everywhere, beginning with mine! They prove beyond a shadow of a doubt there is power, awesome power, in praising our spouse.

1. "Good job!"
2. "You are wonderful."
3. "That was really great."
4. "You look gorgeous today."
5. "I don't feel complete without you."
6. "I appreciate all the things you've done for me all these years."
7. "You come first in my life, before kids, career, friends, anything."
8. "I'm glad I married you."
9. "You're the best friend I have."
10. "If I had to do it over again, I'd still marry you."
11. "I wanted you today."
12. "I missed you today."
13. "I couldn't get you out of my mind today."
14. "It's nice to wake up next to you."
15. "I will always love you."
16. "I love to see your eyes sparkle when you smile."
17. "As always, you look good today."
18. 32"I trust you."
19. "I can always count on you."
20. "You make me feel good."
21. "I'm so proud to be married to you."
22. "I'm sorry."
23. "I was wrong."
24. "What would you like?"
25. "What is on your mind?"
26. "Let me just listen."
27. "You are so special."
28. "I can't imagine life without you."
29. "I wish I were a better mate."
30. "What can I do to help?"
31. "Pray for me."
32. "I'm praying for you today."
33. "I prize every moment we spend together."
34. "Thank you for loving me."
35. "Thank you for accepting me."
36. "Thank you for being my spouse."
37. "You make every day brighter." (Stephens, "37 Things," 177-78)

How Does This Text Exalt Christ?

The Delights of Knowing My King

In Psalm 45 we discover a royal wedding song that is unique to the psalter. Its language echoes that of our Song in a number of places. Some even believe it was first written for Solomon and his wedding. Like the king of our Song, this king in Psalm 45 is praised by others (v. 1) and is the most handsome of men with grace flowing from his lips (v. 2). He loves righteousness and hates wickedness (v. 7). Myrrh, aloes, and cassia perfume his garments (v. 8), and he desires with passion the beauty of his bride (v. 11). And, concerning this king, God Himself says, "Your throne, God, is forever and ever" (v. 6); "I will cause your name to be remembered for all generations; therefore the peoples will praise you forever and ever" (v. 17).

Psalm 45 points to the same king as the Song of Songs. They are one and the same. He is the Messiah-King, the promised King, the One that Hebrews 1:8-9 informs us is Messiah Jesus. Of Psalm 45, Alexander MacLaren said, "Either we have here a piece of poetical exaggeration far 33beyond the limits of poetic license, or a greater than Solomon is here" (Boice, Psalms, 381). One greater than Solomon is portrayed in Psalm 45. One greater than Solomon is on display in the Song of Songs as well.

This great King has beautifully adorned His bride (Song 1:9-11) for her wedding day (Song 3:6-11; cf. Rev 21:2), and she, along with the Spirit, invites all to come and enjoy the pleasures provided by the Bridegroom (Rev 22:17). Whereas He has made her cheeks beautiful with jewelry (Song 1:10), He gave His own cheeks "to those who tore out His beard" (Isa 50:6) as our suffering Servant-King. And all that we lost in the fall, being banished from the lush waters of the garden of Eden, we now regain as our Lover takes us into the beautiful oasis of En-gedi. This King, Shepherd, Bridegroom, and Lover is Paradise restored, and more! The delights He has for us are greater than we could ever imagine.

The world in which we live is a desert place indeed. We will never find in it what we need for life. All it offers is thirst, destitution, longing, and death. But in Christ our Shepherd-King it is altogether different. Here is the water of life, beauty, rest, and everything you will ever need. He is an Oasis of life for all who flee to Him. Won't you come and rest in all He provides? Jesus said, "Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matt 11:28). What He says is true. Come and see!

Reflect and Discuss

1. What are some specific ways you can be a blessing to your spouse?
2. Why is it so important to verbalize praise for one's spouse?
3. How does Solomon show us the ways to praise one another?
4. How far would you go to honor your spouse? Does your answer reflect God's love for His bride?
5. Why is verse 13 so difficult to interpret? What are some options for how to explain the explicit detail?
6. What does it mean that these two lovers have "returned to the garden of Eden"? How does this idea fit into the book as a whole?
7. Why is "passion in the bedroom always preceded by passion in all the other rooms"? How can you show this latter passion?
8. What is the greatest praise you have received from your spouse? Why did that mean so much to you?
9. How do we understand that this text points to Christ?
10. Can you identify some themes that our text has in common with Psalm 45?