How Soon Is Too Soon to Start Dating Again after the Death of Your Spouse?
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Shortly after Sharon died, there were two instances that really brought the fact that I was alone to light. Our church had a Christmas celebration that year she died, which is something they did every year. After the service we all gathered in the fellowship hall for food, games, and the festive holiday fun. What really stood out to me was even though I was in a room that was filled with people who were all enjoying themselves and having a good time, I felt all alone. This was not a feeling I was used to, and it certainly was one I didn’t like.
The other moment came on New Years Eve just about a week later. Our church would have a watchnight service and afterwards we would have some food in the fellowship hall. On this night I was sitting around a table with other married couples as I had done many times before. The exception this time was that I was no longer married. Even thought this was very normal behavior and something I had done many times before, all of a sudden this time I felt like a third wheel.
These types of emotions are things that the judgers won’t comprehend unless they have walked in your shoes. It was moments like these, and the desire to no longer feel that loneliness, that led me to start dating again. When I started dating again, the judgers did come out, but you have to learn to ignore them because chances are they really don’t understand how you feel and what you are going through.
2. The Mourners
The mourners are those that will look at you and feel that you need to be in a perpetual state of mourning over your spouse simply because they are still mourning the loss. The mourners will feel like it is okay for you to start dating again, not when you are ready, but when they are ready and have gotten over the loss.
The way they look at it is that your mourning timetable should be in perfect alignment with theirs. When it is not, then they may try to make you feel like you are moving too fast. Please don’t allow someone else to set the timetable for you. Whether you move really slow or faster than the mourners think you should, don’t worry about it. The truth is they are going to talk about you anyway, so you need to do what is best for you.
3. The In-Your-Corners
The in-your-corners are those that will cheer you on and are happy for you to start living your life again. These are people like my pastor and my friend Hank who let me know it is okay to start dating again. You are going to need people in your life who will encourage you in this space because it will feel a little awkward at first. But don’t allow that to stop you from pursuing this if that is what your desire is.
Starting over again and pursuing another relationship after the loss of your spouse is not easy. But for me, I felt it was necessary. I did date someone briefly which didn’t work out, and then I decided to stop for a while. After a few months I came to the realization that I really wanted to be married again. I recognized two important things for my life. First, I wanted and needed a wife and companion and also my son needed a mother in his life because I couldn’t be a mother for him. That was ten years ago and this year I will be celebrating my ten-year anniversary to my wife Diana. This was the person God brought into my life, and it was just what my son and I needed. I don’t know what path your life will take if you are dealing with the loss of a spouse, but if you desire to start dating again, please do so with the confidence in knowing that you and only you can determine when is too soon, too soon.
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