XI. Kingdom Husbands and Wives (Ephesians 5:22-33)

XI. Kingdom Husbands and Wives (5:22-33)

In the final verses of chapter 5, Paul gives specific instructions to husbands and wives. Scripture makes clear that marriage is not for a person’s happiness. Happiness and companionship are good and desirable benefits of marriage, but they’re not its purpose. The purpose of marriage and family is to advance God’s kingdom in history through replicating the image of God and exercising dominion over the earth (see Gen 1:28).

But even if the biblical purpose of family is acknowledged within a marriage, that household may not be organized according to God’s structure. Paul tells the Ephesians that God works through the institution of marriage based on the structure he has designed. If the husband and wife are out of alignment with that, God’s blessings will not flow and his kingdom will not advance.

5:22 Ephesians 5:32 summarizes the husband-wife relationship, showing that it is meant to mirror something much bigger: “This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church.” God intends marriage to model the love of Christ for the church and the response of the church to Christ for the world to see. Paul explains what this should look like.

Wives, he says, submit to your husbands as to the Lord (5:22). Wives are called to submit to—to voluntarily place themselves under the legitimate authority of—their husbands. This sounds like a difficult command, but we must keep two things in mind.

First, we must be absolutely clear that the passage is not talking about a distinction in value or personhood. God the Son is equal in essence to God the Father, but he is subordinate to him in function (see 1 Cor 11:3). Likewise, a wife is equal to her husband in her being—both are made in God’s “image” (Gen 1:27). But God has created a wife to function in a significant, but subordinate, role to her husband (see Gen 2:18).

Second, a wife’s submission to her husband is not absolute. It is as to the Lord. The husband’s authority has limitations, then. He cannot ask his wife to submit to anything outside of God’s will. The wife submits within boundaries.

So, what if the wife is the “better” leader in the home or has greater intelligence or more ability than her spouse? Think of it this way. A merging tractor-trailer may be bigger, longer, and carry more cargo than a tiny car coming down the road. Nevertheless, the tractor-trailer doesn’t have the right of way but must yield as instructed to avoid catastrophe. God as Creator has placed a husband on the highway and given his wife the yield sign within the will of God.

5:23-24 As the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything (5:24). If a husband is not asking his wife to sin, she is to yield to his authority because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church (5:23). This doesn’t mean a wife can’t disagree with her spouse, but it means God has placed husbands in a position that is to be honored. A kingdom wife “is to respect her husband” (5:33), even when expressing disagreement.

5:25-30 To husbands, Paul says, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her (5:25). Far too many men think headship means playing dictator and telling everyone what to do. But biblical headship means being a responsible governing authority. The husband is responsible for leading his family in the advancement of God’s kingdom in the context of love. Biblical love compassionately, righteously, and sacrificially pursues the well-being of another.

Husbands are to love according to Christ’s standard. How did Christ love the church? To death! Love came in the shape of a cross. Therefore, a husband is to sacrifice for his wife and be her deliverer—protecting her and paying the price for her well-being. A kingdom husband is also to be his wife’s sanctifier—taking her (and all her history) from where she is and helping her to where she ought to be, just as Christ sanctifies the church (5:26-27). A kingdom husband out-serves his wife. Even as a husband loves himself, he is to love his wife (5:28, 33)—giving her his strength and encouragement. The goal is to facilitate transformation through the influence of love.

5:31-33 Paul then points back to creation and quotes from Genesis 2:24. God has created husbands to lead and wives to respond. The husband will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh (5:31). The man, then, has got to move first. When a woman sees her man initiating, owning responsibility, treating her as special, and sacrificing for her well-being, she is apt to respond to him with heartfelt respect and submission.

When a car is out of alignment, your tires are going to wear unevenly, and getting new tires won’t fix the problem. Many married people think that if they could just find a new mate, their problems would go away. But that’s not the answer. If kingdom husbands and wives expect to draw on their heavenly blessings, they must align their roles in the family according to God’s good design through love and respect.