How Do Married Couples Leave and Cleave?
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Leaving and cleaving (both of them) are essential for building a successful marriage. To leave and cleave underscores the need for married couples to establish their new relationship, recognizing that their parents will no longer be the top priority in the relationship hierarchy. For people who go from living at home to getting married, part of the challenge in this process is navigating the intricate web of emotions that come with leaving their parental homes and fully embracing their new spouse. While this is absolutely possible, for it to work successfully, the new couple and their parents must recognize the change in relational priority.
Where Does the Bible Say Couples Must Leave and Cleave?
The principle of leaving and cleaving was established by God in Genesis when Adam and Eve met each other.
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24 KJV)
Christ reconfirms the concept in the New Testament when speaking to people about marriage and divorce:
“And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?” (Matthew 19:4-5 KJV)
What Does It Mean that Couples Must Cleave Together?
“To cleave” is not a term we use very often anymore, so you may not know what it means. In the verse in Genesis, the Hebrew word is dabaq. This word can mean to cling, stick, stay close, cleave, keep close, stick to, stick with, follow closely, join to, overtake, or catch. The essence of this word is the intertwining of two into one. In the Genesis context, it is the idea of a man and woman marrying and joining together or cleaving spiritually, physically, and emotionally. These two people come together, working towards becoming one. This does not mean that either party loses their identity, but they unite in a spiritual union, a sexual union, and a purposeful union.
There is a masculine form of this word dabaq, which is debeq. This word means to solder or weld. You can think of cleaving as the welding together of two lives into one unbreakable unit, or at least that is what it is supposed to be.
What Does the Leave and Cleave Passage Show about Marriage and Divorce?
When you understand what cleaving is, it becomes clear why divorce is so devastating. In divorce, you are tearing apart what has been joined or welded together. This can lead to broken families, broken finances, and broken relationships. That’s why it is necessary to truly understand what it means to leave and cleave in a marriage before you say I do. Are you willing to join or weld together your life with someone else? If you cannot say that in totality, it is better to remain unmarried because the intention of leaving and cleaving is to be permanent. To leave and cleave speaks to your commitment to your spouse. We solidify that in our marriage vows when we say till death do us part.
Here are three practical things you must weld together in cleaving. If you don’t, it can have devastating effects on your marriage.
- Faith
- Finances
- Future
Amos 3:3 asks, “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” (NLT)
It is critical to your marriage to agree on these things. Agreements on faith can include what you believe, what church you will attend, and even how you will serve. When you agree on your finances, it is helpful to follow the same plan and work toward the same objectives. Your future can include where you want to live and whether you want to have children. These are (some of the) important elements that all factor into your ability to leave and cleave. Make sure you agree on these things before the marriage because it will make the marriage much more challenging if you don’t.
How Did Couples Leave and Cleave in Biblical Times?
In Biblical times, leaving and cleaving was often different from today. For one, many marriages were arranged, which is not practiced in Western cultures. It would not have been unusual for a couple to get married and still live with their extended family (probably in a separate room created as an addition to the family house). This did not change the need to leave and cleave. Still, we should recognize how this command played out may have differed from what we experience today. They were leaving and cleaving within a family context and not separate from it.
Do Couples Abandon Their Families When They Leave and Cleave?
The point of leaving and cleaving is not suggesting that life becomes us two and forget you. Family will still play an important role in your life; it will just be the position of that role changing. For an unmarried person with no children, parents and siblings may be their top priority. However, when you get married, then the priorities shift. As a husband, after your commitment to Christ, your priority becomes your wife (and children, if you have any). The same applies to a wife whose primary obligation is to her husband and children. The family is still important; family members have just moved down the priority scale.
How Can Couples Leave and Cleave While Honoring Their Parents?
Leaving and cleaving will always take some work. Every married couple will find unique challenges because every family is unique. Still, there are some clear principles that can help every married couple as they begin this process.
Communicate the change in roles. Sometimes, the change in this new relationship is just as challenging for the parents as it is for the married couple. One way to help solve that is by clear communication. All parties should know this new marriage will change the relationship in the future, but it will not end it. Leaving the house is not leaving the family but adding to it. Hopefully, this will be embraced and seen as a positive, not a negative.
Set inclusive boundaries. In leaving and cleaving, boundaries matter. They allow you to build your marriage while maintaining healthy family relationships. You make this an inclusive boundary by sharing parts of your life with your parents and letting them know they are not forgotten. That’s why it is best to get your place when you marry and move out of the family house. This will put a definitive stamp on the changing relationship but also create a healthy boundary.
Involve but don’t revolve. The last piece of practical advice is to recognize that involving parents in your life is okay. However, your married life should not revolve around your parents. You cannot truly leave and cleave if every decision in your marriage is centered on what is best for your parents. Remember, your marriage is not just a joining of families, but it also involves following God’s will for you as a married couple. However, honoring your parents means you don’t forget their birthdays and anniversaries and make time to spend with them. It means you do it as it fits within the confines of your new leave and cleave relationship.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Kostyazar
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